Sunday, June 23, 2013

at lost

dear diary,

i am at lost. what do i do? i think i may have lost him for good. he thinks ive betrayed him. i know he doesnt like me hanging out with a certain friend of mine, but what can i do? i am close to the friend, i have made that clear to him a long time ago, why cant he understand? i am close to the friend and his family. we are just friends,why is it so hard for him to accept that? why does he have to let his ego in the way? if he could accept the friend as my friend, honestly, he doesnt have to worry about anything because thats what we are. everybody knows that, why cant he see it?
i have tried avoiding seeing him but it feels wrong. why do i have to do that? its not that i have a special relationship with the friend or something that he could be jealous of? Friendship, thats all.

and now he thinks im lying to him because there are a few instances of me seeing the friend and he does not know about it? well those instances are accidents, i tried not to but we live in the same area, what can we do?

if only he knows and understand, it would have been much easier. i dont know how else to do it. i cant do it i think.

I am falling for the guy, i miss not talking to him....but he's angry at me, im angry at him too for setting up barriers for me. i want my life back.

Love is supposed to be an addition to your life, it should add to the happiness, not take the other things way. thats what i always believe in, and thats what i have been reminded of.

 You, I love you but i dont think i can follow your ways. I am honestly happy being your friend, but i cant be more than that i think, because i am making you unhappy and i am unhappy as well being in a situation like this. i miss you but you need to know my life too.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Sorry but i just miss him

Dear diary,

I miss him. Regardless of what others say, I do miss him. Miss him so much that it hurts. It is different when u miss a friend, but when u miss that special someone, u know d feelings different because it pulls in different directions and ur mind is constantly elsewhere. People say, Sarah, u look sad, ure quiet but have u ever thought that maybe she just misses somebody and all she wants is to be with him? Yeah I was outgoing and I am everywhere and so active a long time ago. Well, Im still am, its just im active elsewhere and im outgoing elsewhere, when im with him, because there is where i want to be. I havent changed, im still me, its just my attention has changed. Is that so wrong? I try hard not to neglect my friends. I try my very best to still spend some time with them but who can deny what i want? I love spending my time around him, thats all.

And yes, i am trying to lessen my bond with friends who are guys because i dont know, when uve met that someone, u wudnt feel like going out with other men because well u just dont really feel like it and besides he wouldnt like it as well. I didnt get that at first, but ive asked a few guys about this and yeah, most  would say they  wouldnt like the girl they like to hang out with guys too much. And yes, people say im not his gf yet so why wud u want to do that? The thing is, right now, thats how i feel. I do still love my friends dont get me wrong, its just, at the moment, i dont know with me going back n all, knowing it wud be long till i get to see him again, its just so.....emotional and im sorry if anyone felt like ive ignored them, but sorry,  i cant please evrybody. At the moment, i just miss him.

It doesnt matter whether what i have with him will work out or not and people say, sarah, its risky. Yes i know. Ive felt it and ive discussed it with hiim before. But me just by being me, I just want to live the moment. While it is still there, and yes i do think of the future, and it would be a lie if i dont want to see myself with him, but thats in the future, and insyaAllah, i know Allah will guide me through and i know somethings happening right now in the oblivion that it wud direct me towards my future, just as the events before me had happened. it had lead me here and ill wait patiently to know whats coming up next.

I just miss him, as a friend, as more than friends, I miss him and although he can be the most annnoying person ive met in my life, but Gosh, he honestly drives me crazy and each moment that i could be with him, especially in real life, is a blessing and it makes me soo happy.

Alright, gotta continue packing. Got a lot more to go. See ya, bye.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Allow me to make this right

Dear diary,

Heyy it has been a while hasnt it? How have u been? Me? Alhamdulillah generally im fine but on the inside, there are a lot of emotions going on. The thing is, Ive been hearing lots of stories behind my back, very interesting. When one tries not to tell much in person, but there will always be other sources and speculations but there's nothing we can do about that really, it happens you know but im here with a mission to make one thing straight so that well i dont know just how many people read my blog but if they do, i want them to know one thing and i hope it passes around. I dont have to do this i know but i just feel its necessary so that negative impressions could cease down.

1. Yes I care for the guy and I am happy to be with him. Honestly, when you get to know him, he is a good man. Seriously a good man. Please dont think and spread around that he is not. Just because he does things differently and acted out of the norm, doesnt make him a bad man. Really one just have to dwell in that personality to get to know the real him. And alhamdulillah i am happy to be able to see that part of him and that is the reason why i spend so much time with him because i can see the good side of him that many finds it hard to do so. It is not that im forced to be with him or anything, its just i want to spend more time with him. It is as simple as that. People may say im blinded by my feelings but this time i am speaking with an air just to defend a person's face.

The thing is, at least he comes down to my place to see me and he came to my ceremony to support me. I can never be more grateful than that. Altho people speculate behind us, but at least he came. Doesnt that show that he is trying to be a good friend to me? Really. All this while people have been asking when he is coming down to Coventry because it has always been me going to London, well guys, here he is and the least we could do is smile and make him feel welcomed! True, i have been wrong in the way i have done it. I should have been more sensitive to the accomodation details but i did survey around and that was the last resort. Its not that i didnt think about it, i did, its just it was the last resort.  And i guess i was being too naive about that fact that i thought people wont mind but they do and i apologise ferociously about it and hope it will be put behind us.

2. We are good friends, really good friends. Yes i do have feelings for him as more than friends but there is not title to what we have because we do like to remain as good friends, honestly. Both of us are comfortable that way. Of course there should be limitations to how we socialise and honestly in my head, there is nothing wrong in girls and boys being friends and go out together because i dont know, its like as long as you do nothing wrong and more than that, i figured its okay to do so. But of course, there should be limitations and allowing a guy to use your room, in a girls' flat is not acceptable i learnt. But really, i see nothing wrong in that but i should take other's feelings into consideration and that i admit, i overlooked the matter.

3. I am happy being with him. Talking to him, spending time with him. He is a such a great company and really i am happy to do things for him. Its just the same how i would be happy to do things for my other friends. I really honestly dont mind and i am happy to do so. I guess i am weird in that sense but its not like he forced me or anything but i just happily want to do it.

4. I would honestly appreciate people not talking bad about us. I know my actions have provoked such situations to arise and i do apologise for that. The reason im writing this all down is i just want the bad stories to go down....really....he is a good man and i would really really appreciate people not talking bad about him and 'pandang serong' terhadap dia.  True, he is different and people nampak the obvious and i can see it too okay, not that i dont. I just hope to be a good friend to him although yes i do feel for him more than that. And i do also know him and know the story behind every action that is made, not everything is what it seems. But just basically, i just hope everything will cease down.

5. Thank you guys for noticing if i have been wrong in my ways and tegur mana patut. I truly do appreciate it. ..I know you guys are just looking out for me and yg mana salah, i have realized it and i intend to right my ways.

6. In certain things, yes i agree i should be more strict. Like, i should be able to go and socialise with anyone i want and not always been couped up in the room just being on the phone with him. it is partly my fault for that. actually yes i do like being on the phone with him and im sorry i havent been able to spend much time with other friends.

7. It is not easy you know to make everyone happy... but i know my friends are just looking out for me and i really am grateful for that and really do appreciate it. But i like spending my time with him too. I do.  He does make me happy regardless of the other things people think he's doing to me.

8. But yes, i need to betulkan apa yg salah. I need to think the things that would make Allah happy first then others will follow. By doing that, I wouldnt feel so stress about this. Honestly, it is stressful to take into account what your friends think of you and what he thinks of you. and then, you would be left wondering, what about my happiness? im talking about both sides. he should know that part of my life, yes i do have my friends and they make me happy and my friends should see that he too makes me happy and i intend to have him still in my life.

9. Ya Allah, please guide me to what i should do. Please give me the strength to do what is right according to  Your ways ya me towards what is right and izinkanlah dua2 pihak dpt berdamai... I love the guy and i dont intend to lose him... i love my friends too and i dont want them to think im neglecting them coz im not.

10. That's all from me in this entry, i hope this would be able to clarify some things about the stories that has been going around.