Who to marry?

Dear diary,
assalamualaikum :)
currently im listening to bbc coventry's radio but just turned it off cuz...well lets just say the music did not appeal to my ears. haha, i was trying to check it out since i am going to the radio's station next morning for a very educational trip with my fellow journalism coursemates. hope it will be a good trip and gain something beneficial in the end.

okay2, i know u must be wondering how i am right now.
alhamdulillah i couldnt express my gratitude more than saying alhamdulillah because it is because of Allah i am surviving right now.

Only to Allah, i put my trust to and only to Him, i wanna go to.

i am doing alright and i dont think it could be better than this at the moment.
i am still a single girl who still has feelings for the her ex, who is trying to move on but knows deep in her heart that she will always, always have something for him. i am still in contact him i have to admit. it was not like that before, but it just turned out that way. i wish, i wish we would not be in contact with each other although his presence makes me eat better, happier and delighted inside but i am afraid that it would not end well. i know one day, things are going to have to change. i dont know what are his motives of contacting me again. i should be stronger and push him aside but i couldnt, i am not that strong to push him away. i will try harder though to avoid contacting him and not be close to him like i used to. he has to know that things just wont work between us. we still have hope, yes. but the chances are very limited.

then there is this other guy named syafiqrul. he is a good man. he has got a very good background, good family, good education good job and a good personality. he claims to love me, but unfortunately i dont love him back. he is... he has the perfect package i might say and any other girl would just be happy to be with him because from my eyes, he could provide a girl with what she needs or wants. he could provide a good home, he could make that girl happy, a good secure life and all but i am not those any other girls. am i being ungrateful? i hope not. he just scares me at times. he wants me to love him as much as he loves me but how can i promise that. how could i do that while my feelings...while im just still sooo confused. he cant expect so much from me. i think thats why im scared. he expects me to be someone sooo good.while miji, he knows me how i am, my bad, my good and he's okay with it. this guy, he doesnt know.  i am seriously just trying to be honest with myself. i dont know what i want. right now, i am not feeling anything for this guy. he's great but ......sigh....in a way, i am making this guy suffer, he really wants me to say yes. he proposed to me you know,he wanted me to give him a chance for him to prove himself. whats wrong with me? why do i keep rejecting good proposals.

first it was a proposal from the uztaz then syafiq. both, are good honourable men but my heart was feeling insecure for them although they could provide me security whereas miji, the element of security is my heart and feelings for him but economically, no.

right now, i just want to be close to my creator. He has been faithful,loyal, and forever there. He has always listened to me, knows me inside out and knows what is best for me. im putting my trust in Him. i dont want another painful relationship that was deviating in so many ways. it keep me far from the path of righteousness and i was blind. forgive me ya Allah for all my past and current sins. i will try to be a better hamba for You ya Allah. Be close to me, be near me and please dont give up on me and dont ever let me give up on You, nauzubillah....

well okay, thats all for now, Hope that He will bless me with someone that when i see him, its gonna strike me lightning and thats how he would see me as well. amin...

starting a new life

dear diary,

let me update u on the latest news of my life.

1. i am single. i broke up with miji about a month ago. still not completely over it. still crying in the middle of the night. gosh, why did i let myself get hurt like this. well, love is pain and it involves a bit of drama. what can i say? life is a stage and we are all players. i bet shakespeare had to go through a love moment in his life for him to come up with that phrase :p

2. need to do a lot of catching up in my life. studies..and whatever. that i leave it up to my mood. main aim right now: surviving.

3. trying to think positive. i may appear as the optimistic kinda of gal but i can sometimes be indulged in negative thoughts. oh dear, they are truly negative. forgive me ya Allah, im trying my best to be as positive and trust in Your judgement. i am truly trying.

miji is doing a fantastic job in moving on. the latest news i heard was that he is trying to find another. good for him. he deserves to be married now. gosh, i wonder how it would be like when he is already married and if i get to see him again one day, with a wife that is not me, and children who are not from my womb....how do i react to that???

i should be happy for him which i am. i want him to be happy. although we cant be together, but knowing that if we are together, both of us will get hurt...hurt with each other or hurt by the people around you...at least, if he is far away...he would be safe from the criticism of the society around me, at least he can live his life freely as he wishes to without trying so hard to fit in the world he is not accustomed to.

i am not a princess and he is no ordinary commoner. we are both from the same world, differ only slightly in educational background, states and perhaps, mentality. status? not really different, we are both peasants. i am no royalty, but if i am, i would just want to marry whoever my heart chooses.

i love him. i do. i pray he knows that. the thing is, if this, my love scenario happens in movies, people would go swooning and say, how sweet and how romantic, how lovely. but when it happens in real life, they say, its just not gonna work, its silly, its risky...its just not gonna happen. the hypocrasy of it all. come on! you want to believe it could happen in d real life but humans are sceptical and afraid of something magical to happen. well there is wonder n magic around us. there is nothing wrong in believing a bit of wonder exist in our life coz it does. Allah's wonder is everywhere, since the beginning of time until now.

right now, i want to believe in the power of Healing. time heals, prayer heals, Allah heals. pray that id be strong to move on and he too as well. if we are meant to be together, we would. if not, then we are not. gotta sleep now, gotta wake up early because tmrw, im going to birm to celebrate a friend's birthday. so ill see you again.

assalamualaikum....

my Mak Lagam friends...

they are a family i never knew i would be so totally in love with....hehe

dear diary,

how often one gets attached to people that they meet and it lasts for a lifetime.....as far as im concerned, once in a lifetime! the moment my feet stepped into the grass and pavement of mak lagam school, it was a step to making new friends whom i found such comfort and love to pave my way through the schooling days.

dearest friends whom have made my raya celebration a lively one, hasimah hassan, lini benini, safi, zati hashim, fiz, farhana razaki hihihi , syafikah, khadijah, kinah and of course the boys, shahrul and azlan hehe.....gosh i dont know what id do without u guys! thank u soo much for making me happy. u guys are simply the best. if i die and i havent gotten around to tell all of you how much i appreciate and cherish our friendship, please believe that what i write in my blog as my undying appreciation to you.

they are a bunch of interesting people if you get to meet them dear diary. they have made my asrama life a fun and an unforgettable one and have made my life after school, a reunion worth fighting for.

nights that i find trouble sleeping in the asrama became bearable with lini who always stayed up late in the night, studying beside my bed....she may be studying, but she doesnt know how much she helped me to go through those creepy nights which is not actually creepy but my imagination perceives it to be so. i literally wouldnt have a lot of good night sleep if it werent for her. and not to mention, she was the person who shares my enthusiasm for eating in the cafeteria and we would do our prefects' job together, with her being a more stricter disciplinary while i was the less. a good team i should say hehe.

simah is really crazy with the addmaths i should say! she amazes me with the speed she uses for maths! man, its mind blowing. i needed at least 10 minutes to figure out the system but she only took 1 minute. she should have been a mathematician id say. hehe, during our high school times, we werent that close, she was more close to farhana. but when i got close to farhana, then i started to become close to her and now one of my closest friends. she's definitely a keeper hehe she's strict on her own personality in her own way, she has her ideas on who my future husband should be like haha and she would want to interview each guy that wants to make a pass at me hee.....what a gal!

i wouldnt want our friendship to end, its something so hard to find. though now im in uk and i have new great friends to keep me company, but i wouldnt trade the friends i have right now for a dime in the world. they are priceless and i hope my friends know that, though i may not go out as much as others do, spending a lot of time out with everyone, but inside my heart, i honestly want to and would love all of u to know, i love all of u and when i do get to spend my time with u, u would have my devoted attention once and for all.

( more would come later)

wish they knew

Dear diary,

it never fails to amaze me that my parents are completely oblivious of their daughter's feelings...i think the whole planet, especially my circle of friends and cousins know that i am in love with a man name Miji. true i acted as if nothing is serious going on between us, and i inserted that i am also involved with other guys, but its a bit annoying when the person that i would want them to know the most is the one that they dont know the most. tried to talk to them about him, that didnt work, tried to explain his background, they get emotional before i could finish, not to mention that i get emotional as well...then how on earth are we supposed to overcome our dispute and go on with life, living with the fact that i am in love with a man named Miji.

other girls i see, move so easily about telling about the boyfriend, telling that they would get married as soon as everythings over, and their parents are pretty accepting each men theyve introduced them to.

Deardiary,

Alhamdulillah i have been most fortunate with Allah's blessings that i have been blessed with so many beautiful things around me including a man whom i could love. but i have not been blessed yet of my parents' acceptance towards Miji. i am not complaining and i hate to complain, but i am trying to reassure myself that it is all according to Allah's plan. Allah wouldnt do this unless He has something in mind, truly He knows what is best for me and He is now watching over me, seeing that im typing away my feelings in a box hehe....

bismillah...

ya Allah, permudahkan urusan jodohku ya Allah, murahkanlah rezeki ku utk dijodohkan dgnnya, izinkanlah kami dpt disatukan bersama dgn segera, dan izinkanlah ya Allah jodoh n cinta kami berkekalan di dunia, akhirat dan syurga amin....

there must be a reason why my love life isnt as smooth as others and i as His hamba, should redha and accept His will n fate that He has instore for me.

dont fret!

i want to continue but i think thats all for tonight, i told u my writing and my passion has gone a bit down this time, gotta speed up my gear but nways, gotta do something! will get right back at ya!

Friends

i would like to start by writing about my friends who are close to me, those who stick close by me, show that they care and showing no signs that they want drift away, these kind of friends are hard to find, these kind of friends are the ones that you should repay their love with your most affectionate attention.

childhood friends, the first one that comes to my mind when they ask about my childhood friend would be Manis!!! she was there the moment my memories in malaysia started after coming back from uk!. she was there and alhamdulillah she still is! it is true that she could be annoying at times, i had a hard time accepting the way she is when i was young, but it was also influenced by the other friends around me who didnt like her from the beginning. it kinda got to me but later as i grew up, those friends who said that i should be friends with them and leave manis, are the ones who never calls me, asking me how i am. Manis is different, she has her own style, and the thing is, when you grow up, the annoying bit doesnt really get to u that much. you will get used to it, and it is those things that makes u remember them most. Manis is a true and loyal friend, i hope that ive become a great friend to her, and appreciate her the way she is, thank you gurl!