at lost

dear diary,

i am at lost. what do i do? i think i may have lost him for good. he thinks ive betrayed him. i know he doesnt like me hanging out with a certain friend of mine, but what can i do? i am close to the friend, i have made that clear to him a long time ago, why cant he understand? i am close to the friend and his family. we are just friends,why is it so hard for him to accept that? why does he have to let his ego in the way? if he could accept the friend as my friend, honestly, he doesnt have to worry about anything because thats what we are. everybody knows that, why cant he see it?
i have tried avoiding seeing him but it feels wrong. why do i have to do that? its not that i have a special relationship with the friend or something that he could be jealous of? Friendship, thats all.

and now he thinks im lying to him because there are a few instances of me seeing the friend and he does not know about it? well those instances are accidents, i tried not to but we live in the same area, what can we do?

if only he knows and understand, it would have been much easier. i dont know how else to do it. i cant do it i think.

I am falling for the guy, i miss not talking to him....but he's angry at me, im angry at him too for setting up barriers for me. i want my life back.

Love is supposed to be an addition to your life, it should add to the happiness, not take the other things way. thats what i always believe in, and thats what i have been reminded of.

 You, I love you but i dont think i can follow your ways. I am honestly happy being your friend, but i cant be more than that i think, because i am making you unhappy and i am unhappy as well being in a situation like this. i miss you but you need to know my life too.

Sorry but i just miss him

Dear diary,

I miss him. Regardless of what others say, I do miss him. Miss him so much that it hurts. It is different when u miss a friend, but when u miss that special someone, u know d feelings different because it pulls in different directions and ur mind is constantly elsewhere. People say, Sarah, u look sad, ure quiet but have u ever thought that maybe she just misses somebody and all she wants is to be with him? Yeah I was outgoing and I am everywhere and so active a long time ago. Well, Im still am, its just im active elsewhere and im outgoing elsewhere, when im with him, because there is where i want to be. I havent changed, im still me, its just my attention has changed. Is that so wrong? I try hard not to neglect my friends. I try my very best to still spend some time with them but who can deny what i want? I love spending my time around him, thats all.

And yes, i am trying to lessen my bond with friends who are guys because i dont know, when uve met that someone, u wudnt feel like going out with other men because well u just dont really feel like it and besides he wouldnt like it as well. I didnt get that at first, but ive asked a few guys about this and yeah, most  would say they  wouldnt like the girl they like to hang out with guys too much. And yes, people say im not his gf yet so why wud u want to do that? The thing is, right now, thats how i feel. I do still love my friends dont get me wrong, its just, at the moment, i dont know with me going back n all, knowing it wud be long till i get to see him again, its just so.....emotional and im sorry if anyone felt like ive ignored them, but sorry,  i cant please evrybody. At the moment, i just miss him.

It doesnt matter whether what i have with him will work out or not and people say, sarah, its risky. Yes i know. Ive felt it and ive discussed it with hiim before. But me just by being me, I just want to live the moment. While it is still there, and yes i do think of the future, and it would be a lie if i dont want to see myself with him, but thats in the future, and insyaAllah, i know Allah will guide me through and i know somethings happening right now in the oblivion that it wud direct me towards my future, just as the events before me had happened. it had lead me here and ill wait patiently to know whats coming up next.

I just miss him, as a friend, as more than friends, I miss him and although he can be the most annnoying person ive met in my life, but Gosh, he honestly drives me crazy and each moment that i could be with him, especially in real life, is a blessing and it makes me soo happy.

Alright, gotta continue packing. Got a lot more to go. See ya, bye.

Allow me to make this right

Dear diary,

Heyy it has been a while hasnt it? How have u been? Me? Alhamdulillah generally im fine but on the inside, there are a lot of emotions going on. The thing is, Ive been hearing lots of stories behind my back, very interesting. When one tries not to tell much in person, but there will always be other sources and speculations but there's nothing we can do about that really, it happens you know but im here with a mission to make one thing straight so that well i dont know just how many people read my blog but if they do, i want them to know one thing and i hope it passes around. I dont have to do this i know but i just feel its necessary so that negative impressions could cease down.

1. Yes I care for the guy and I am happy to be with him. Honestly, when you get to know him, he is a good man. Seriously a good man. Please dont think and spread around that he is not. Just because he does things differently and acted out of the norm, doesnt make him a bad man. Really one just have to dwell in that personality to get to know the real him. And alhamdulillah i am happy to be able to see that part of him and that is the reason why i spend so much time with him because i can see the good side of him that many finds it hard to do so. It is not that im forced to be with him or anything, its just i want to spend more time with him. It is as simple as that. People may say im blinded by my feelings but this time i am speaking with an air just to defend a person's face.

The thing is, at least he comes down to my place to see me and he came to my ceremony to support me. I can never be more grateful than that. Altho people speculate behind us, but at least he came. Doesnt that show that he is trying to be a good friend to me? Really. All this while people have been asking when he is coming down to Coventry because it has always been me going to London, well guys, here he is and the least we could do is smile and make him feel welcomed! True, i have been wrong in the way i have done it. I should have been more sensitive to the accomodation details but i did survey around and that was the last resort. Its not that i didnt think about it, i did, its just it was the last resort.  And i guess i was being too naive about that fact that i thought people wont mind but they do and i apologise ferociously about it and hope it will be put behind us.

2. We are good friends, really good friends. Yes i do have feelings for him as more than friends but there is not title to what we have because we do like to remain as good friends, honestly. Both of us are comfortable that way. Of course there should be limitations to how we socialise and honestly in my head, there is nothing wrong in girls and boys being friends and go out together because i dont know, its like as long as you do nothing wrong and more than that, i figured its okay to do so. But of course, there should be limitations and allowing a guy to use your room, in a girls' flat is not acceptable i learnt. But really, i see nothing wrong in that but i should take other's feelings into consideration and that i admit, i overlooked the matter.

3. I am happy being with him. Talking to him, spending time with him. He is a such a great company and really i am happy to do things for him. Its just the same how i would be happy to do things for my other friends. I really honestly dont mind and i am happy to do so. I guess i am weird in that sense but its not like he forced me or anything but i just happily want to do it.

4. I would honestly appreciate people not talking bad about us. I know my actions have provoked such situations to arise and i do apologise for that. The reason im writing this all down is i just want the bad stories to go down....really....he is a good man and i would really really appreciate people not talking bad about him and 'pandang serong' terhadap dia.  True, he is different and people nampak the obvious and i can see it too okay, not that i dont. I just hope to be a good friend to him although yes i do feel for him more than that. And i do also know him and know the story behind every action that is made, not everything is what it seems. But just basically, i just hope everything will cease down.

5. Thank you guys for noticing if i have been wrong in my ways and tegur mana patut. I truly do appreciate it. ..I know you guys are just looking out for me and yg mana salah, i have realized it and i intend to right my ways.

6. In certain things, yes i agree i should be more strict. Like, i should be able to go and socialise with anyone i want and not always been couped up in the room just being on the phone with him. it is partly my fault for that. actually yes i do like being on the phone with him and im sorry i havent been able to spend much time with other friends.

7. It is not easy you know to make everyone happy... but i know my friends are just looking out for me and i really am grateful for that and really do appreciate it. But i like spending my time with him too. I do.  He does make me happy regardless of the other things people think he's doing to me.

8. But yes, i need to betulkan apa yg salah. I need to think the things that would make Allah happy first then others will follow. By doing that, I wouldnt feel so stress about this. Honestly, it is stressful to take into account what your friends think of you and what he thinks of you. and then, you would be left wondering, what about my happiness? im talking about both sides. he should know that part of my life, yes i do have my friends and they make me happy and my friends should see that he too makes me happy and i intend to have him still in my life.

9. Ya Allah, please guide me to what i should do. Please give me the strength to do what is right according to  Your ways ya Allah....guide me towards what is right and izinkanlah dua2 pihak dpt berdamai... I love the guy and i dont intend to lose him... i love my friends too and i dont want them to think im neglecting them coz im not.

10. That's all from me in this entry, i hope this would be able to clarify some things about the stories that has been going around.

24 May 2013

Dear diary,

He asked me, am i important to you?
and then i told him, yes you are. definitely. i mean how could he not see that? it is obvious he is important to me because a lot of events that happen this year, like me shopping for new clothes, new tudung, new scarf, just so that i can look good for him and me going to london a lot of times like its a normal two hour trip that i can just do everyday, i did, just so that i can see him , just so that i can make him happy. those things happen because apparently his happiness matters to me. and i would only want him to be happy and feel safe around me.

i even waited to know whether he is busy or not during june, and wud he have time for me because i dont want to plan anything because maybe he wud want to spend time with me too. i think about all that, and yet he still doubts that is he important to me? oh god, I love him.

He is the craziest dude i have ever met. really crazy. so crazy...and i love him for it. he is really not easy to be with, really really not easy but underneath all that, he is....so lovable, so passionate, so kind, sweet and gentle...he puts up an act, a mask to protect himself, but underneath that there is a guy that is just so special. when i fell for him, i did not fall for his good looks, or his charm, because that is not d first thing that stayed strong in my mind. i fell for him because he is annoying, i fell for him because he is crazy, its like d little things he has, d manja, d merajuk, d menggatal part of him( he just loves d attention from lots of girls) goddd, he is just crazy. and underneath all that, there is a guy who is so protective....so considerate, so loving...i would wana write this in my diary because this is supposed to be more personal, but typing is faster and there is just so much emotion in my heart right now that only Allah knows how i feel inside.
May this will lead somewhere.... truly i pray that it would.... amin.... ya Allah on this blessed day, bless his words, bless our words of love ya Allah and let it be for Your sake ya Allah... let it be so that it would lead towards having your rahmat n barakah ya Rab...amin....

We are all different

Dear diary,

Hey, how you doing? Im alright thank you very much and alhamdulillah things are...well...alhamdulillah. the condition right now is more than i had ever hope for to happen so i could only say is, alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah for every breath Allah has given me, for the chance of living life to be His hamba and a chance to still be feeling a small part of love that i thought i would never feel again...

Dear diary,
i have just got to know a lot of speculation and stories have been circulating. about what? well.. about a certain thing.... it happens a lot apparently haha...but thats normal...its life...we cant stop that from happening can we?

What i would like to say tonight is that ...as time has gone by and i as i grew up , i meet a lot of new people and i got to know new personalities, new characteristics of a person and it is true that people come from all shapes and sizes and so many different personalities that it just makes you think that life and Allah's creations are truly diverse and all are beautiful in their very own way.

I have friends in all shapes and sizes, with many different personalities and tempers. Not to say it is easy to live with each one of them, all have their perks and challenges, but they are Allah's creation and Allah has created them like so for a reason and there is a reason that they have been sent in your life because Allah knows you can be a friend to them. Of course it could also be a test for you, to see whether can you be patient with all of this or it is a self reflection kind of thing to show what can you actually put up with life and it is not a bad thing if you cant put up with a certain characteristic, no of course not, it is completely normal and that is called self preference. it can be perceived through many different ways and to me, i think we should try to give each person a chance...and if in the end, you cant handle it, then its your choice. nobody is forcing you to stay. you have the will power but yet again, some decisions are hard to make tho you know its bad for you but thats not the main point here tonight hehe.

the main point is, that people will always be different and that is what makes each of us unique in our very own way. I knew a guy who has a child, and is divorced, and everyone was sceptical of him because of that but actually, he is the nicest guy i have ever met. so far that ive known him, he would never hurt a fly. he is so kind and so sweet, and so thoughtful. Speculations about him are done just because things happen in his life that he has no control over which is...kinda unfair. I pray that he will always be blessed with happiness and he will find the happiness he is looking for. Although we dont talk to each other that much anymore but I pray that i will be there as a friend to him. Allah bless him amin....

And now just because someone is different, who is a bit more eccentric and does things differently and drastically than anyone else doesnt mean he doesnt deserve a chance to be known and be friends with? Just imagine if we are in the person's place? Wouldnt we feel, we only wanted to be accepted and it is kinda frustrating that everybody doesnt seem to understand and run away from you? Of course if people are running away from you, it signals something is wrong with you somehow, but still, there is that side of you which i think all of us would feel deep inside the feeling of wanting to be accepted...so, i dont know for us, who are very fortunate to have lots of friends to back you up, that is a privilege...a gift, and for me, a gift like that needs to be shared...

Im sorry, it may not make sense at the moment, but im just trying to make a point that doesnt mean if that persons different, doesnt mean that the person cant be a good person. You might not know that actually the person has the kindest heart in the world if you just let them into your life...and you might know that the person can actually be the funniest person you have ever met and you realized you have never laughed more real and so much till your cheeks hurt, till you met that person. You might know that the person may only be looking for a true friend because all this while, their experiences have taught them differently and they are who they are now because of certain people who betrays their trust in the past.

We can always pass judgement easily just by the looks of things but we may not know more about the person till you actually know them...and yes it may take some time, but actually slowly, you would see a different side of them that nobody else could. I am well aware of the eccentric things that goes on in a person , its weird...but slowly it is those eccentric things that makes me intrigued and think perhaps there is more to that person than meets the eye although patience is truly needed....so yea...

Oh btw, ive been watching RyanHiga's video a lot which is so cool and soooooo funnnyyyyyy!!!! ahhhh i love himmm....i think i have a crush on him... he is sooo funny.... i think i do appreciate humor in a guy haha....it keeps you laughing and playful ...and it is also a great ice breaker as well hehe.... okay then time to hit the books!

Just a quick update on my life, alhamdulillah...my family is alright and how am i feeling? I am feeling...alhamdulillah happy.... i do... in a weird way that a lot of people dont understand, i do actually.... and i pray that i can feel this happiness a little bit longer...it is not the kind of happiness that you just feel like.....its there and everything is so wonderful and all, no its not that. this happiness is the one that you know you have got to fight for it and when you fight for it, you feel that insyaAllah you have sort of earned it and it gives a fulfilling feeling that ...only you can understand.... its an earned happiness, a hard working one, hopefully it is blessed....

Alright, that is all for tonight.... and hope i will write more soon!

Better not forget

Dear diary,

I would like to make another list that would remind me of what i need to do and be aware of in life. Hope you will find it useful too.

1. Always put Allah as the first and top priority in your life. Absolutely important. I may trip and find myself tumbling every now and again but Allah is ever so merciful, He gives us the chance to repent and redeem our sins. Allah, thank you ya Allah....alhamdulillah.
2. Treat our parents right! Never ever forget them, keep them close, call them always sarah. it is not hard. just pick up the phone and call them every 2 days. remember they are after all your one and only parents. it is not hard. honestly, make it a point!
3. Keep a lookout for the people who accepts you for who you are, because these people are very hard to come by. they would love you and keep you close no matter how you are and what you have done. be it a friend or a loved one, if they can accept you for who you are, then, they are a keeper. at least, we know that they are sincere in becoming our friends and they are not just after the good things we have in life. but all in all, accepting everything as it is and would try to keep each other motivated and improved in life.
4. Dont forget your dreams! My dream is to go to Egypt one day. I want to live there, study there, be a personal tutor there and embrace the culture. i want to learn and master hieroglyphics. to me, it is very important to know so that i can be involved in deciphering the secrets of the past. it would be ultimately cool! so cool! pray that i will achieve my dream. i am planning to do this after the 5 years contract with the government. i want to apply an internship or something and be sent there and experience life over there. that would be soo so cool!

Keek

I just created a Keek account... ive been interested in it since the moment i was introduced to it. It looks like a cool device. Im gonna use when i go to priya's house later insyaAllah. She is not feeling very well so gonna pop in and see her. Thats it! I am not letting her out of the house for more socials anymore. Thats it! she is going to drink soup and stay in bed and work for appropriate hours. she needs to start takiing care of herself! ishhh... okay gonna go n get ready now, oh my i havent vacuumed my room yet. but at least i kinda make it look more neat than the last state it was in errr...okay, gotta go see ya! and oh yea, when i do post my first keek vid, ill sure let you know ok, ok bubye...