if only...

Dear diary,

There isnt a day lately that I wished that he would reply to my texts saying that, 'It's okay, i understand why you did it..and im sorry too, for hurting you. I love you and I want us to be together'.
I honestly really wish that he would say that. I wish that he would come down to Ipoh and i dont care if he wants to give me a cold treatment or anything, i just want him in front of me. i want to see him. I miss him so bad that it hurts...

He is a good guy, despite everything that i think of him , but deep down i know he is. He just has his own way of doing things that makes people and even myself misinterprets him. He took care of me when he is near. He makes sure that im safe and that im taken care of when we travel. He never lets me be hungry and i miss the time that we would have meals together and how eating made us so happy.
And when we are far apart, he took care of me in the only way he knows how. In most eyes, even in mine, i see it as controlling but in truth, i know, he was just being protective. I am not saying this just because I am trying to defend the man I love, but it is after researching, reading and asking and talking to people about this, I can see it more clearly that he is only looking out after me.
Some may ask, so what about the other things? what do those things say? Well i dont have the answer to everything. But i do know this, that we loved each other...and we did see a future together. We even talked about it and honestly, it gave me a genuine sense of happiness knowing that i would be the girl, the woman in his life. I wanted to be no matter how scary at first it seemed to me. I wanted to be his girl. And i want him to be my man.

I know im putting a lot of expectations...but yea, i really do wish that he would say those things. I honestly pray that he would find it in his heart to take me back. We shared a love that is so deep that I was afraid of admitting it because i couldnt believe it was true. I couldnt believe that he would actually fall for me.
I never told anyone this but he did once broke the barrier and repeatedly told me that he loves me and ask me not to leave him. On the day that i left for malaysia, he texted me before the plane took off , and asked me to be loyal to him and to wait for him no matter what happens. I should see that he does love me but things started to be so hard after that and that i forgot my promise to him.

I dont want to blame myself, but i will only blame myself for actually making him believe that i left him. i even blame myself for pampering him while i could have been strict. if i was strict earlier, i wouldnt have let him allowed myself do things that i dont want. and he would know that. and perhaps both of us could have worked together.

i guess the only way for me to heal now is, that i shouldnt regret things that have happened. I should let it go. Allah had allowed it to happen for a reason and im not saying that if i could turn back time, i would take back my words, no. I am only saying that I wish that he would find it in his heart to forgive me and would take me back....and give our love another chance. Im praying that the love would bring us together again and if he is my jodoh, then insyaAllah Allah would pave the way, i have to believe in that.
And if not, then i am glad and happy to have known a man named Zaim whom in his presence i found myself to fall in love again and be happy.

But for now, i am allowing myself to feel sad for the fact that maybe my leaving had left him heartbroken too and makes it harder for him to accept love again and me. I can only pray that he too would heal...as im praying for mine....