Wednesday, December 22, 2010
dear diary
i dont think i can ever resist myself...i will always feel it and to fight it, is quite sufferable for me but that is the way it should be, i should suffer a bit, thats the way it should be...but what if i cant, i evem thought of the unthinkable in order to stop myself from it....huhuhuhhu
Saturday, October 23, 2010
leamington
dear diary,
ive gone to leamington today. leamington spa to be exact and my, what a wonderful place it is. the road that i took was the kenilworth road and we had to pass kenilworth town to get there too. and it was all so country side like. it was beautiful. it is certainly so much different than coventry town. it had come to my mind to conclude that coventry was more of a busy town like place while kenilworth and leamington was more country side like, and was of a place for resting for that is certainly the atmosphere it gave away.
leamington was white. the buildings were all white like creams on a cake, the colour white on canvas where it looks like someone's painted oil paint on all of the buildings to create a regent look, an old look, where old england i've read, that particular place for that matter was like that. the road was from up the hill to the lowest, white all over, beautiful parks, so cold for there were many trees, and absolutely adorable dogs everywhere. it was like going into a storybook where the places are lined up perfectly, and even when it is not perfect, there would be something to dazzle it a bit. music filled the air by talented street musicians who played for their own pleasure and find their own living. i must say, my stay in england has been pretty much like a movie that ive been unconsciously casted for. im still having a hard time believing that im here and insyaAllah will be for the next three years.
i bought a movie, finding neverland, and it was divine. leamington allows your imagination to take you to wherever you need to go. and so did this movie. it encourages you to believe what you want to believe, and you dont need to be all that proper, just as long as you dont restrict yourself from having fun in the right manner, it would be lovely. dont be afraid of your imagination. ive always believed in that but ive hard time expressing it with people around me. among my brothers, i cans simply be myself and let myself go, for they too can imagine what i imagine and we shared a special bond through that. it is what has kept us close since we're kids. however, with me and my friends, only a few of them i can truly be myself around them and i dont know why. i can always do that, if i want to, but sometimes i dont. i truly, really wonder why. ive been so self conscious that i constrain myself from having the fun that i want. this is not the life that i want. therefore, i shall start make a difference starting from right now. im going for a picnic tmrw and let us see how shall i behave and wanting to make a difference regarding my life. i know i can do better. i know i can just let myself go and stop worrying so much. i guess it is just what people especially grownups keep on telling, a lot of things you may lose when you grow up, the things you may believe in when you were kids, you dont allow yourself to think of it anymore because one always seem to think that it is of no use as 'reality' always get hold of things. but reality can be of a great joy too of one does not forget their inner child for it is this, is what keeps the spirit young and alive,our spirits will not be wasted and we would not worn out. i hope i wont forget my inner child, not now and not ever. i still do imagine stories in my head and act them out when im alone, i sing and i dance to keep myself entertain. it is what i like to do since i was a kid, and i am never ever going to quit doing that for i would like my children to have that as well. i would want them to have a beautiful life, full of imagination, wonders and things that other people would not encourage them to have. i want them to look at life differently; that although there are so many bad things in the world and we are aware of that, keep on believing the good things, for they too happen in this world and not all are bad, there are still some wonders around us, you just have to open your eyes and heart to them, and you will see it!
ive gone to leamington today. leamington spa to be exact and my, what a wonderful place it is. the road that i took was the kenilworth road and we had to pass kenilworth town to get there too. and it was all so country side like. it was beautiful. it is certainly so much different than coventry town. it had come to my mind to conclude that coventry was more of a busy town like place while kenilworth and leamington was more country side like, and was of a place for resting for that is certainly the atmosphere it gave away.
leamington was white. the buildings were all white like creams on a cake, the colour white on canvas where it looks like someone's painted oil paint on all of the buildings to create a regent look, an old look, where old england i've read, that particular place for that matter was like that. the road was from up the hill to the lowest, white all over, beautiful parks, so cold for there were many trees, and absolutely adorable dogs everywhere. it was like going into a storybook where the places are lined up perfectly, and even when it is not perfect, there would be something to dazzle it a bit. music filled the air by talented street musicians who played for their own pleasure and find their own living. i must say, my stay in england has been pretty much like a movie that ive been unconsciously casted for. im still having a hard time believing that im here and insyaAllah will be for the next three years.
i bought a movie, finding neverland, and it was divine. leamington allows your imagination to take you to wherever you need to go. and so did this movie. it encourages you to believe what you want to believe, and you dont need to be all that proper, just as long as you dont restrict yourself from having fun in the right manner, it would be lovely. dont be afraid of your imagination. ive always believed in that but ive hard time expressing it with people around me. among my brothers, i cans simply be myself and let myself go, for they too can imagine what i imagine and we shared a special bond through that. it is what has kept us close since we're kids. however, with me and my friends, only a few of them i can truly be myself around them and i dont know why. i can always do that, if i want to, but sometimes i dont. i truly, really wonder why. ive been so self conscious that i constrain myself from having the fun that i want. this is not the life that i want. therefore, i shall start make a difference starting from right now. im going for a picnic tmrw and let us see how shall i behave and wanting to make a difference regarding my life. i know i can do better. i know i can just let myself go and stop worrying so much. i guess it is just what people especially grownups keep on telling, a lot of things you may lose when you grow up, the things you may believe in when you were kids, you dont allow yourself to think of it anymore because one always seem to think that it is of no use as 'reality' always get hold of things. but reality can be of a great joy too of one does not forget their inner child for it is this, is what keeps the spirit young and alive,our spirits will not be wasted and we would not worn out. i hope i wont forget my inner child, not now and not ever. i still do imagine stories in my head and act them out when im alone, i sing and i dance to keep myself entertain. it is what i like to do since i was a kid, and i am never ever going to quit doing that for i would like my children to have that as well. i would want them to have a beautiful life, full of imagination, wonders and things that other people would not encourage them to have. i want them to look at life differently; that although there are so many bad things in the world and we are aware of that, keep on believing the good things, for they too happen in this world and not all are bad, there are still some wonders around us, you just have to open your eyes and heart to them, and you will see it!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
England!
dear diary,
living in england has been part of my dream since i was a kid. although im not living here permanently, but im happy to say that living here is like living part of my dream. diary, Im here!
the rush of cold air swept over my face when i first step foot in heathrow airport. it was such a blast. the fog that came out of my mouth was like the one i had when i was a kid in scotland. so much of the things here reminded me of my childhood in glasgow. i do miss it and i plan to go there soon. the environment here is great, the people...although my first feeling was exhaustion when i got here but i couldnt help noticing other stuff as well. the day seemed brighter, the weather is definitely colder and the people, friendlier. Im living in a building, rootes building and i live far away from my friends which is a good start. i mean, i am the kind of girl who likes to find new experiences and if i stuck to my friends all the time then there's nothing different about coming here. ive always wanted to know whether i can live on my own and besides, i know i woudl have my friends with me, its just sometimes its good to be on your own too. that way, you would know your strengths and weaknesses, how you can bring yourself into the world. and another thing, i wanted people not to fear us. i came here not just a malaysian but a muslimah malaysian and generally people do have that sort of fear. of course it is just easier just to not be friends with them and stick to your own group but if we do that, then other people wouldnt know that there is nothing to fear about us. i believe they are just as scared of us as we are scared of them. i like to imagine them as malays in a university back in malaysia. their 'unfriendliness' would have been the same among our malaysians too. the truth is, the malaysians in england are not all that friendly. some dont even bother to be friends. so there is not difference between us and the foreigners. we are all freshers, we are all looking for friends, sure we come from different background, but that is not the reason why we should stick to our own group for comfortness because that way we will not learn and they wont learn from us. how long do we need them to live in the dark and not knowing that we too are only humans just like them and we mean no harm, and they mean no harm as well, we just have to know and get to know that fact and have faith because only that way, we can move on!
alright i gotta go now, see u later and cheers!
salam....
living in england has been part of my dream since i was a kid. although im not living here permanently, but im happy to say that living here is like living part of my dream. diary, Im here!
the rush of cold air swept over my face when i first step foot in heathrow airport. it was such a blast. the fog that came out of my mouth was like the one i had when i was a kid in scotland. so much of the things here reminded me of my childhood in glasgow. i do miss it and i plan to go there soon. the environment here is great, the people...although my first feeling was exhaustion when i got here but i couldnt help noticing other stuff as well. the day seemed brighter, the weather is definitely colder and the people, friendlier. Im living in a building, rootes building and i live far away from my friends which is a good start. i mean, i am the kind of girl who likes to find new experiences and if i stuck to my friends all the time then there's nothing different about coming here. ive always wanted to know whether i can live on my own and besides, i know i woudl have my friends with me, its just sometimes its good to be on your own too. that way, you would know your strengths and weaknesses, how you can bring yourself into the world. and another thing, i wanted people not to fear us. i came here not just a malaysian but a muslimah malaysian and generally people do have that sort of fear. of course it is just easier just to not be friends with them and stick to your own group but if we do that, then other people wouldnt know that there is nothing to fear about us. i believe they are just as scared of us as we are scared of them. i like to imagine them as malays in a university back in malaysia. their 'unfriendliness' would have been the same among our malaysians too. the truth is, the malaysians in england are not all that friendly. some dont even bother to be friends. so there is not difference between us and the foreigners. we are all freshers, we are all looking for friends, sure we come from different background, but that is not the reason why we should stick to our own group for comfortness because that way we will not learn and they wont learn from us. how long do we need them to live in the dark and not knowing that we too are only humans just like them and we mean no harm, and they mean no harm as well, we just have to know and get to know that fact and have faith because only that way, we can move on!
alright i gotta go now, see u later and cheers!
salam....
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Baby, its like ipoh..only its a bit further..thats all!
dear diary,
the time is nearing for me to go! im going, can u believe it? i'll be leaving next week n boy, i dont know what im feeling...im so scared because i know, that once i step a foot there in uk, my life wud change...im going there to learn and therefore, im going to grow up..and when i come back, i no longer would be the 'me' now, somehow and in some ways, i wud change and how scary is that? not only i would be the one who changed, the life here in malaysia would change too...hope all will go well...
the things that i tell myself to calm my nerves..
1. sarah sweety, u gotta calm down, its like ipoh..only its further...
2. dont worry too much
3. besides, ure going there to learn and travel n learn, no unnecessary flirting...n d thing is, u dont feel like flirting anymore...literally, i dont huhu
4. love ur company, u know u got great friends!
5. its just 3 years..or better yet, 36 months, i think 36 months sounds shorter..im only going there for 36 months, its not that long haha
6. this is part of ur dream when ure a kid, now u have d chance to relieve it, dont waste it!
7. u have a life too sarah, and u have to do this for urself, lengkapkn diri then u can think about being together with 'the one'.
8. u know ure going to miss ur family, 'him' n friends, but dont let it bring u down...use it as a strength, u know they always want d best for u...
9. just go there sarah and cherish d moment and finish what u went there for with flying colours, this is part of ur destiny, and warwick is ur hogwarts....u have some unfinish duties, thus, fulfil ur destiny sarah and dont let urself, ur family, n ur beloved down...
10. this is ur life sarah, do it ur way!
11. 3 tahun skjap je sarah..........!! insyaAllah...moga2 dipermudahkn sgala urusan olehNya...n dijauhkn kesulitan....amin ya rabbal amin...
the time is nearing for me to go! im going, can u believe it? i'll be leaving next week n boy, i dont know what im feeling...im so scared because i know, that once i step a foot there in uk, my life wud change...im going there to learn and therefore, im going to grow up..and when i come back, i no longer would be the 'me' now, somehow and in some ways, i wud change and how scary is that? not only i would be the one who changed, the life here in malaysia would change too...hope all will go well...
the things that i tell myself to calm my nerves..
1. sarah sweety, u gotta calm down, its like ipoh..only its further...
2. dont worry too much
3. besides, ure going there to learn and travel n learn, no unnecessary flirting...n d thing is, u dont feel like flirting anymore...literally, i dont huhu
4. love ur company, u know u got great friends!
5. its just 3 years..or better yet, 36 months, i think 36 months sounds shorter..im only going there for 36 months, its not that long haha
6. this is part of ur dream when ure a kid, now u have d chance to relieve it, dont waste it!
7. u have a life too sarah, and u have to do this for urself, lengkapkn diri then u can think about being together with 'the one'.
8. u know ure going to miss ur family, 'him' n friends, but dont let it bring u down...use it as a strength, u know they always want d best for u...
9. just go there sarah and cherish d moment and finish what u went there for with flying colours, this is part of ur destiny, and warwick is ur hogwarts....u have some unfinish duties, thus, fulfil ur destiny sarah and dont let urself, ur family, n ur beloved down...
10. this is ur life sarah, do it ur way!
11. 3 tahun skjap je sarah..........!! insyaAllah...moga2 dipermudahkn sgala urusan olehNya...n dijauhkn kesulitan....amin ya rabbal amin...
Friday, August 27, 2010
You gotta ponder!
Dear diary,
Why must people think it is ok to love moderately? I know everyone when they were kids, all of them dreamt of an everlasting love, a love which is so powerful that they needed each other endlessly. I know all of us believed in that once and dreamed of it, wishing that it will come true.
But like other things that disappeared while growing up; believe we could fly, believe that we can talk to animals and plants, believe that we could see things..., this sort of belief died off too. Most of them grew up denying that there is ever such thing because like they always say, 'reality check', that sort of thing doesnt exists. Dream killers I would name them but I dont blame them a hundred percent, they say it based on what they have been through. Everyone of us were dreamers, and some are still are. But some have lived their life and had gone through a phase which changes their perception on things. It matures them but my small wish here is that, although it matures them, I hope they dont lose the kind of dream they have when they're kids. For it is these things that keeps you going in life and happy at the same time. Your emotions will be tested in all directions and thats where you will discover, how complex it is being a human, therefore, how big our fight is.
I am just trying to point out one important point here, two individuals can feel such love if only they both believe in it.
I know I heard this somewhere,..an elderly woman siad this once:
' When you are in a relationship and in love, it does not mean you have to stick to that person like a glu on a paper; being together every minute of the day because life my dear, is about each individuals and it is not always about others. If you are apart, then you just have to have enough faith that the other person loves you and misses you as much as you do. That sort fo faith is important as it will remind you to hold on till the end. You may never find another one like him, and he should know, he would never find another one like you. ' Now for me, thats the reality of it'.
And I think what she said is the best explanation ever. You just have to have faith but that faith must be founded upon something too. If it is clear that the man or woman shows no effort to keep your relationship going well, then what are you fighting for? It takes two to tango. if you are fighting, then make sure he/she is fighting too. Thus, in the end, a result will be obtained but the truth is, you will never stop fighting. Life is a climb. You gotta fight to climb your way up. And they say, the view is great .
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
the time is nearing...
dear diary,
buenas dias diary hihi and yup, like i stated above, the time is nearing.
only one word for me to say, Alhamdulillah. diary, it has been my dream since i was a kid to further my study in a university. i have always imagined myself sitting under a tree, studying, alone or with friends, it does not matter, but that image has not left my mind since i was little. and soon, i may get the chance to live that dream : )
am i scared?
yes. truth be told, i do feel scared. people always ask, why? what are you scared of?
well the only answer to that is, i dont know. i dont know what am i scared of but i know i am. i am scared of the unknown. i dont know what to expect once i get there but i will keep an open heart and open mind. my lecturer says that is important: to keep an open heart and open mind. it helps in adapting to new places. and one thing im scared of is, what if i dont know how to do d assignments? mmm the only thing that consoles me to that is, i have my 52 friends to lend a hand and i can always get in touch with my family here for help, and i know my friends here in malaysia would help : ) alhamdulillah im surrounded by beautiful people with beautiful hearts. may Allah always bless them.
i have to be ready physically, mentally, and emotionally. i am still healing and this ramadhan month has been a great blessing. its like a light that focuses on your wound and slowly heals it.
but i have only one worry, i hope he wont treat me like this after marriage. the rift we're having now i may not mind so much since we're coupling. but i really hope this 'rift' doesnt happen after marriage. i hope he does not take me and my love for granted. i would love that someone to the ends of the world, my only hope is, the man that i would marry would not take it for granted. i dont want d situation ' mentang2 da kawin, awak da dapat saya, awak biarkan je ape yg berlaku, and tak kisah da what happens to me' .....hehe, i can only think of this dialogue to express my worry. my friend says, if that is what you worry, then it is important for me to find the right man. 'a man who would not use me, a man who would love me and care for me and will be able to lead me to the right path'.-i thank lala for this hihi. pray that i will find him, and if he is the man that i'm with presently, i could only hope things will be ok when we're married.
buenas dias diary hihi and yup, like i stated above, the time is nearing.
only one word for me to say, Alhamdulillah. diary, it has been my dream since i was a kid to further my study in a university. i have always imagined myself sitting under a tree, studying, alone or with friends, it does not matter, but that image has not left my mind since i was little. and soon, i may get the chance to live that dream : )
am i scared?
yes. truth be told, i do feel scared. people always ask, why? what are you scared of?
well the only answer to that is, i dont know. i dont know what am i scared of but i know i am. i am scared of the unknown. i dont know what to expect once i get there but i will keep an open heart and open mind. my lecturer says that is important: to keep an open heart and open mind. it helps in adapting to new places. and one thing im scared of is, what if i dont know how to do d assignments? mmm the only thing that consoles me to that is, i have my 52 friends to lend a hand and i can always get in touch with my family here for help, and i know my friends here in malaysia would help : ) alhamdulillah im surrounded by beautiful people with beautiful hearts. may Allah always bless them.
i have to be ready physically, mentally, and emotionally. i am still healing and this ramadhan month has been a great blessing. its like a light that focuses on your wound and slowly heals it.
but i have only one worry, i hope he wont treat me like this after marriage. the rift we're having now i may not mind so much since we're coupling. but i really hope this 'rift' doesnt happen after marriage. i hope he does not take me and my love for granted. i would love that someone to the ends of the world, my only hope is, the man that i would marry would not take it for granted. i dont want d situation ' mentang2 da kawin, awak da dapat saya, awak biarkan je ape yg berlaku, and tak kisah da what happens to me' .....hehe, i can only think of this dialogue to express my worry. my friend says, if that is what you worry, then it is important for me to find the right man. 'a man who would not use me, a man who would love me and care for me and will be able to lead me to the right path'.-i thank lala for this hihi. pray that i will find him, and if he is the man that i'm with presently, i could only hope things will be ok when we're married.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Dear diary,
im starting this one with a smile and a laugh. I am healing. Those are three very simple words and yes, I am healing. I wont say from what but what I would say is that I am. Healing. A part of me has started to realize that life isnt always what we expect it to be. It never is but there is the mystery. Allah works in different ways. Ways that we couldnt imagine because it is out of our league to think of it. But all in all, alhamdulillah i am ever so grateful that i am healing. slowly but healing.
I tried as hard as I can to ignore the negative feelings. I let it pass by me. I feel it but I dont take notice of it. I let it go. I dont hang on to it. I dont want to hang on to it. It just goes through.
but I have to take a stand. I have to know what I want out of my life. I cant just tolerate everything just because people say im nice. true, for me, it is easier for me if i just accept and not complaining, really, it is sooo much easier. but diary, ive done that for long enough and alhamdulillah im happy with it and life has been good : ) but again, in things that i think needs working, i think it does. they say dont fix anything, let time decide. hmm...ok.
im starting this one with a smile and a laugh. I am healing. Those are three very simple words and yes, I am healing. I wont say from what but what I would say is that I am. Healing. A part of me has started to realize that life isnt always what we expect it to be. It never is but there is the mystery. Allah works in different ways. Ways that we couldnt imagine because it is out of our league to think of it. But all in all, alhamdulillah i am ever so grateful that i am healing. slowly but healing.
I tried as hard as I can to ignore the negative feelings. I let it pass by me. I feel it but I dont take notice of it. I let it go. I dont hang on to it. I dont want to hang on to it. It just goes through.
but I have to take a stand. I have to know what I want out of my life. I cant just tolerate everything just because people say im nice. true, for me, it is easier for me if i just accept and not complaining, really, it is sooo much easier. but diary, ive done that for long enough and alhamdulillah im happy with it and life has been good : ) but again, in things that i think needs working, i think it does. they say dont fix anything, let time decide. hmm...ok.
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