Friday, March 18, 2011

You tell me

dear diary,
i know it has been quite a while that i havent typed in my feelings, well here i am and ive got loads to lay it out on you

my idea of a happy ending to my life is, finding my prince charming, no matter who he is, where does he come from, what job he does or from what educational background he's in, as long as he loves me and can talk to me, being tolerant for the way i am, he would be the one that i would want to live with. all this while, though i was not sure at first, i did find him, he was the one....but everyone did not think so!

everyone thought that i deserved better, someone who is of my background, who can match up to my 'level', someone who can give 'happiness' and treat me, i guess like a princess, where i do not have to do hard work....yes indeed, that does sound truly ideal,and the more they talk to me, the more it made sense to me that i needed a guy like that, a guy who can support me and does not need me to support him financially. true, i was raised in a family where i have been taught, guys are the ones who are supposed to support the family, and not the girls. not that i'm complaining, but doesnt matter much, but of course, i do not want to be the ONLY one who's supporting everything!

So,i thought about it, and coincidentally, a few incidents happened which drives me into thinking that the one im with right now, perhaps is not the one for me because he is not financially stable yet. so, i made a decision after being 'provoked', i decided to put a stop to it, and break up! it do such a decision. i mean, Ya Allah, I LOVE the man....its just, reality pierced into me and got me thinking about my says to me: sarah, will u be ok like this in the future?

hmm...well, after saying 'stop', i criedd with all of my heart. not because, i felt it was the wrong thing to do but i was soo absolutely worried whether i made the right decision or not. a part of me was relieved that i did something that i was in a deep dilemma to do. everyone expects me to, and what they said seeped into me, making sense into my logic that i should break up with him, so i was relieved in that sense that perhaps i did the right thing and everyone thought i did!

then, as the clock ticks away, i couldnt help but worry whether HE'S OK OR NOTT.....i love him, i never do wanted to hurt him but what everyone said makes sense....but when i think back, that is soo not me....

and then, u know what i did....??
i took back my words and wanted to get back with him...which i did hahaha!

yea, it felt bad a bit, because i wasnt sure whether i was being honest with my concsience...everyone would be like...what did u do??
deep in my heart, i know i wanted that break up because of one reason, to tell him that he cant depend on me financially, he needs to take care of that himself, ill be there to support him but he cant rely on me a hundred percent just because i got scholarship and all. it doesnt work that way. i wanted him to know that. i know that even if i broke up with him now, one day, i would want to be back with him again. there's something about him that just tells me, that perhaps he's the oen for me, no matter how people think that we do not suit.

but seriously, how do we know whether does that person suit us or not? i mean,
there is this guy, who is so absolutely great financially and edu background, but i so dont suit his personality, would i be happy with him?
or...somebody who suits my personality, has money, but still, i dont feel the passion and the love, i married the guy because it is Sensible to do so, would i be happy then?

honestly, one would go crazy if one thinks of this too much. all i know is, i really honestlyy do not want to break his will be challenging and i dont know what the future has instored for me but there's only one way to find out is to live the life and see where it takes me...i guess this is why Allah determines for us our partners, because if it up to us, we are so screwed hahaha....

so, yea, its getting later, gotta go, see u next time muakkzzz!!

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