Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I thought I have seen every movie there is on this planet, but I was wrong. Avatar is something new. Nothing could compare to the feelings I felt while I was watching it. I doubted it at first, starting with the animation. I have always fancied Disney's animation, Pixar's , Warner brothers but Avatar ladies and gentlemen, is something I have to open my mind on; I have to open my eyes for. Avatar upholds one of my favourite phrase, though it is different, it does not have to be something bad. I truly emptied my mind for this one. I have emptied my cup so to speak tin order to embrace something new. A new world, a world of Avatar.

The plot is fantastic I'll let you know. It is deep, intense and beautiful in its own way. It teaches you that the way humans realize and can learn their mistakes is through other species' eye. Mankind has evolved intellectually for years,making them more intelligent, advancing in their technology more than ever. However, unfortunately, emotionally, spiritually, they are left behind. Inhumane acts has been portrayed in this movie. In the fast pace of human race, which every opportunity is seized for it is their main idea to survive, they are forgetting one important thing; their moral and conscience value. It is forgotten in the modern world. The never ending war we have in the middle eastern region is one example. In Avatar, humans kill the locals in space, the Na'vi in order to gain riches from the land, a substance called euphonotium( if I'm not mistaken) which has a high value price of about RM 20 million per rock. It is a simiar situation we have here on earth. The soldiers kill the locals in the Pakistan areas, in order to gain the riches there, oil.

That would be a deeper analysis of the story but on the surface, Avatar really does take my breath away. It may seem different, but it does not have to be judged as bad. I made that mistake earlier for having that impression but I stand corrected. It is one of the finest movie I have ever watched. No doubt it is a 3 hour movie, which tends to ache your bum in the movie theatres, but the story is pondering for, worth thinking about once you get home. I wrore this as soon as I got to my room after watching it. I could not wait nor hold it in. I have to stop now for the battery is low.

Avatar managed to open my eyes tonight, my mind for that matter. I loved it. It is different, it is. Perhaps, difference is all we need to make us see that it is worth appreciating every human who lives on this planet, for that is part of who we are, we are different.

Friday, December 18, 2009

What A girl or Women want....

dear feelin' it,

a list of feelings is what I need
a list of gold is what most seek
a list of love is what I need
it is passion and its so real!

love is everything u could ever dine
love makes ur heart soar in the sky
feel it like u mean it,
just makes it a surprise
love is like anything and it survives...

u wonder how u do it,
u wonder how it shows up
u wonder if all the wonders just comes out and blows up..
u see to all the wonderful things that love brings
love is certainly something..worth mentioning!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

WiLD cHILd..!!

dear feelin' it,

I honestly think that my wild side is starting to surface! During the past few months, I have been doing things that my friends in school would be in total shock if they'd knew. And they are. I told one of my friends about what I did, and she went completely ballistic over it. She said the Sarah she knew, would not do anything of the such. She said I've become wild.

To be honest, it is not that I have changed; a good girl gone bad. I think it is just the way I am.
For instance, I loved dancing since I was a kid and I have been dancing since long I could remember. The Only thing that changed was, I had the courage or the will to dance in front of my friends now, compared to back then. This does not apply to only this, it applies to a lot of things in my life which for now, I will keep it a secret. But seriously, I like to keep my life balanced. Half of it, world, half of it, the life after.... Maybe the way I'm doing is wrong, I'll learn form that. If Poppy Moore can do it, so can I. She is a wild child but still she managed to be Alice in the wonderland at the same. Therefore, so can I.

Wish me luck and all the best! ( got a lot more to say, but somehow, after a few calls here and there, I've lost it boohoo)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Message in the bottle..

dear feelin' it,

I just finished reading 'the message in the bottle' by Nicholas Sparks. Some cried after and during reading it and some, someone like me, wanted to cry but somehow, the feelings are deliberately kept inside, tired of crying, stoning our hearts, not wanting to feel it wholly. Why? Fearing that we would not be able to get over it or just tired of feeling so much emotions may or may not be one of the reasons.

The story which is portrayed in the book, is undeniably a beautiful one. It tells of a story which love is everlasting and there are people who believed it in, gained so much from it, but at the same time, suffered severely from it. It depicts the everlasting love 'Garret' has for his wife ' Catherine'. He was never ready to let her go. After her death, he kept sending messages in a bottle out to the open sea, hoping that it would reach her. It is beautiful that his love is never ending. But it does becomes a problem for it does not allow someone else to fill in the empty space in his life. Theresa, a woman who loves him, discovers the letters Garret wrote to his wife. It was as if it was meant to be. Both of them fall helplessly in love with each other but Garret was not completely over Catherine. Garret somehow tried to recreate a relationship which he once had with his wife with Theresa which is not right. Each and every person is different, therefore, relationship between different people would be different as it would have been. Later, Garret realized that and he said his goodbye to Catherine,finally. However, it was too late. He died before Theresa knew it. I know at this moment, a lot of people cried. The question of 'if only' arise but that is just how the story goes. Nevertheless, Theresa was able to go through it. In the end, she did what Garret did, she wrote a letter to Garret, grateful that he came into her life,filling in her life, becoming something beautiful, something important, meaningful...the love of her life. I often wonder in life, would I will be able to get over a loved one's death. It is bound to happen one day, but would I have the courage? I would be in Garret's position,losing someone who truly meant the world to you, losing all hope to move on. I would be completely devastated. Garret met Theresa in the end,does that mean, if it does happen, will there ever be someone else who would fill in? Of course, that someone would not be 'him'. No one will ever compete with him, but there is where we should not ever measure, for every person is different and will always will be.

I wonder too, whether my relationship with Miji is just a distraction, for me to get over 'F'. Initially, it seemed like the idea. But as time goes by, and I got to know him more, I fell in love with him deeply than I thought I ever could. Miji becomes the soul, he is the missing part of my life. He completes me. I have realized this for a long time but just did not have the courage to say it. I am holding on to 'F' all this time, because he is a perfect image of a man that I want a man to be. Sure, I had feelings for him but it is not a growing love. It was stagnant. I can never devote to Miji with my initial feelings in the way. The message in the bottle has taught me more than I thought it would. First, there is something that I'd like to do.

Dear 'F',

I have had feelings for you since long I could remember. You were someone so special to me that I interested everyone who asks me of the people that I fancy, I tell them. But the truth remain as it is. You have never loved me back. You might have liked me, but it was a different sort of like. You have always liked me as a little sister, and I am sort of dissapointed to find out that I was not the only one. You had others. I have come to realize that loving someone that who could not ever love you back, is a waste. I have never regretted knowing you or have feelings for you. I am glad. However, enough is enough. It is very unhealthy for me to be feeling this way. I love Miji and will always will and I want to devote all my love to him. Your marriage to someone else had opened up more than just my eyes. It opens up an oppurtunity for my love story to be completed.
I am ready to say goodbye. I am ready to let you go. It had been exciting while it lasts. I could not get on with this as I want to start a new life. You have made it clear with the life you have chosen. You have always taught me a lot of new things in life, and this, I now learnt. Goodbye 'F', goodbye.....from now on, you would see me as a cousin, just a cousin, and that is how I will see you as. You are my cousin, always have been and will always be. Sorry, it took me a while to realize that, but like the old saying, Love is blind.

It has also made me blind to see that I could have gotten over you a long time ago...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

a discovery..

dear feelin' it,

I just discovered something both disturbing and relieving! My goodness, the man that I have so much sympathy for, is nothing but a fraud. Why do I say that? I just overheard my parent's conversation. I am not his only 'little sister' as I thought that I am. He has many and one of them came to the funeral yesterday. I do not know about others for I am only informed that one of them was there. It did not leave a good impression towards my parents. Imagine if my parent's knew of my feelings towards him....they would disagree wouldn't they? But that is not for me to say. Still, I thought he was a man who needs so much sympathy. And here I thought he has no one else except his fiance and me. How could I even be so blind? Of course he has others. Where on earth did I get the notion that he was all alone? I am so deceived....

That makes everything easier. Getting over him would be so easy from now on. I need not worry anymore for he has a lot of companion. I did not want to believe that he is a playboy..he may not be one now, but he was...and the past still sticks to him..It is not fair for me to judge him for what he had done during the past, but it affects me now! I want to care for the man, I genuinely do care for him. But if others come and do the same, my presence seems pointless and not needed. I would look like a fool begging for his attention while he is not interested to give any. He already has a lot to give to others and I would be a burden.

If that is what I am to him, then it is not worth of me trying to do more. I tried letting go of him once, and it did not work so good...I hope with this reason, I could. I am tired of it. I do still have the notion that I want to be with him. But if I were to choose between him and Miji, I would choose Miji. The difference between these men is, Miji loves me and he does not. I love Miji and my love towards him have grown since the last two years. The feeling I'm having towards 'him' is the same love that I had when I first saw him. It did not grow nor did it lessen, for I did not know him more then the man I knew. I only learnt of his name and his past from others. He never showed the real him to me face to face. Therefore, we are only strangers. Strangers who have a blood tie. I shall not bother him anymore. I hope I am able to get over the man, for I am ready to give all my devoted love towards the man who deserves it more, Miji.

todaY'S progress

dear feelin' it,
I texted him just now, telling him, that if he needed anything, we'd be there for him. I used the pronoun 'we' because I did not want him to feel annoyed or any of the sort. 'We' indicates togetherness and includes a lot of people in it, and not me alone. I also want him to know that he is not alone and he could depend on us for anything. We would do our best to help.

I just finished another song, alhamdulillah...
It has been a long time since I wrote a song based on other themes than love. This time, it is about a kid who had a dream to shine out one day as someone he/she really wants to be. In my case, I want to shine out as someone...flexible, who can do a lot of things, knows a lot, and will try my best to help the people around me as best as I could. This song is not mainly about me, it is written generally for anyone who feels that way.

Here's the song:

I was a child
who had a dream
that somebody would be coming
looking for me
Someone who will... realize..
that I have something in my veins
a hidden talent or a grace
who would take me away into their arms
and put me on top


I was a dreamer
and I'm still am
I had nobody but myself
to lend a hand
I had a dream to go far
And I believe that I could
though slowly I would
I just believe that I could do it
and make it come to life..

Oh...there's not much that I can do
but work hard and make it through
Oh..I won't give up..
until I try to make it come true...

I was a child
who had a dream..
that I'd be standing on top, right now
livin' up my dream yeaah..


So, what do you think? I'm still trying to put the melody in, it might take a while for I have not mastered playing the guitar yet.
Still struggling...but I'm not giving it up just yet..
I will try to make it happen..somehow..
I shall not put it to a rest...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

What I feel right now....

dear feelin' it,

I could not describe more than what I could feel at this moment. I have to tell you, that my cousin just died this morning. He drowned. It was all very so sudden. He dropped by yesterday evening while dropping off his wife at an interview centre near our house. I can't imagine what his wife might be feeling right now. They just got married and plus, she's pregnant. She must be having a devastating time. Imagine a wife without a husband, a kid who's born into this world knowing that his/her father is not there to greet into a new world. I dont know him that well. All I know is, he is the kind of person that I know I can relate myself to.

You know how some people think that people who are mostly silent and not talking much are people who are less confidence and not cool. Well I dont agree with that. It is because I am someone like that. But I am not always like that. I speak when I have to. I do not speak unneccsarily. Furthermore, I think it is better that way. The world needs balance. There would always be the one who talks a lot and the one who listens. If everybody talks, then the world would be filled with too much voices.

Anyway, that is not what I want to talk about. The thing is, I could not help thinking and feeling how relief I am, that it was this man who died today. I know it is wrong. But this man is the little brother of a man who I happen to fall madly in love with. True I have someone else in the place of a boyfriend and I loved him with all my heart. Only this man, the big brother, was someone I loved before, earlier. What if he died today? I do not think I am ready for that, but who is? Who would be ready for a death? No one is. I have to admit, I am truly relief that is was not him who drowned today. Everyone dies. But today, I am just so relief that is was not him. If only he knew how much I am grateful for him to be alive right now.

I want him to know that my feelings towards him have not changed. I have confessed to him before, through text, but there was no reply. We have not been in contact since the confession. He is getting married by the end of this year. He did not even told me the news first hand. We used to share stories between each other but this time, there was none. I wish I am there to console him. To be there for him. But of course, that place is more suitable to be filled in by his fiance. I am sure that his fiance right now, is trying to calm him down as best as she can. Gosh, I would do anything to be in her place right now. Despite him neglecting, ignoring, avoiding and putting me out his life behaviour, I still do care for the man.

I am not trying to take him away from his fiance. That is the last thing I'd do. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a life. Settle down..with the right woman. And if she is the one, then I am happy for him. His brother just died today. I am supposed to be there for him. I want to. But I dont want him to feel that I am suffocating him. He has his fiance. Why on earth he would need me for? ....All I could think of saying to him....I am sorry for his brother's lost, but at the same time, I am grateful that it was not you who drowned, and you are still alive. ....