Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Adam's family

Dear diary,

Before I die, I intend to make one thing clear to the people around me, is that I love them very much. I would love each in their very own way and I intend to make them know it so that I could go in peace.

I would like to tell you about the Adam's family. No, its' not the cartoon series about the vampire couple, and zombie kids, no, I am actually talking about Adam's family, whom I have grown to love so much.

You remember Adam don't you? Hehe, goodness, I actually do wish he is around right now. It would be great to squash some things around, eat, cook and just go anywhere. He honestly made my third final year in warwick a really happy one. When I say happy, I meant, really really happy. I couldnt remember not feeling happy when Im with him. I don't think I have really appreciated him the way I wanted to. Things happen as time flies and well...that is life isnt it. I have also remembered thinking and praying that I would get to feel this happy just a lil bit more longer cuz truly it is a rare moment. I intend to make up for it insyaAllah.

I have never really talked about Adam's sister haven't I? Gosh, she's crazy haha she is the craziest and most raven-like version I have ever met in my life. She is so like raven sometimes and she is like the best friend you never had, she is also the sister you'd never imagined to have and she is also the reggae singer that you thought you'd never meet! I know the way I'm putting this sounds off but that's how I see her. I will never forget the time when I first met her.

The first time, I met Siti, I was actually thinking that she is brave. First, she came to my birthday party and second she came for breakfast with a couple of my friends and from there, we got to know one another. I thought she was brave because even though we do not really know each other, she was out there you know and she is not afraid to meet new people and its kinda like let life takes its course kinda thing. I remember thinking about this when I saw her coming through the door, and i was upstairs in my pyjamas, just peeking down for a while before I decided to come down. As friendly as I appear to be, I do feel nervous and self-conscious around people. It is a thing I never really get rid of since I was a child.
 Anyway, so yeah that is how we got to know each other. I loved each time we talked, each time we singgg, each timee she would bake her apple crumble, mmmmmmmmmm it is soooo soo gooooddd! God, I'd like to have those again! I love it when she is around. It's just like you know when she comes, all of us would go sitiiiiiiiiiii haha and i miss doing that! she would go on and give me an awkward look, but thats just her and i love her for who she is. If only she knows just how much I love having her in my life. actually on the day at the airport, i wanted to tell her all of this. But, i dont know what i was thinking at that time. i didnt want that one person to get hurt etc etc..... but how dare I deny myself from hugging and saying my final goodbyes to one of my dearest friend. i love her and im actually really praying that id get to meet her soon.

Friday, November 22, 2013


Dear diary,

How do I begin...?
I have been watching the nanny a lot recently and there are some useful things I picked up from the show. One of them is that sometimes you gotta open up your eyes to see what's already in front of you and be grateful for it.

What am I talking about? Well the nanny always ramble about not having a mansion, or a family, kids, a gorgeous husband, a profession things like that but all the while, in Maxwell Sheffield's house, she is actually living what she has been fantasizing all along.

This is what Im talking about, and when you reflect on it, it makes you think you know. it makes you think that sarah, you have more than what one could actually pray for. You have a beautiful family, alhamdulillah, you have pets, you are studying and insyaAllah will soon have a career and you have great friends honestly and whats missing is the love of your life thats all, but Allah has His own plan and with His will, it too shall come soon. So honestly, why am I feeling so sad and alone and so depressed? actually this is not what i wanted to write actually. ok, im ending this right here. i wanted to write about something else haha, alright, will see u soon!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

It's time to let go...

Dear diary,

I have moved on. I shall not let my love be wasted like that anymore. I thought even after I convinced everything in my heart to him, he would be there for me. But no. Thats it. And it snapped me right out of my system. Its alright, I am not angry anymore. I have begun to accept that fact and dear diary, I am ready to move on. 

Heart, its okay...let it in peace...move on. You have your own life now...its time to make the most of it and be free and cherish the ones who love you, appreciate you and accept you for who you are...Fill your life with these people because life is only worth living because of them. 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

if only...

Dear diary,

There isnt a day lately that I wished that he would reply to my texts saying that, 'It's okay, i understand why you did it..and im sorry too, for hurting you. I love you and I want us to be together'.
I honestly really wish that he would say that. I wish that he would come down to Ipoh and i dont care if he wants to give me a cold treatment or anything, i just want him in front of me. i want to see him. I miss him so bad that it hurts...

He is a good guy, despite everything that i think of him , but deep down i know he is. He just has his own way of doing things that makes people and even myself misinterprets him. He took care of me when he is near. He makes sure that im safe and that im taken care of when we travel. He never lets me be hungry and i miss the time that we would have meals together and how eating made us so happy.
And when we are far apart, he took care of me in the only way he knows how. In most eyes, even in mine, i see it as controlling but in truth, i know, he was just being protective. I am not saying this just because I am trying to defend the man I love, but it is after researching, reading and asking and talking to people about this, I can see it more clearly that he is only looking out after me.
Some may ask, so what about the other things? what do those things say? Well i dont have the answer to everything. But i do know this, that we loved each other...and we did see a future together. We even talked about it and honestly, it gave me a genuine sense of happiness knowing that i would be the girl, the woman in his life. I wanted to be no matter how scary at first it seemed to me. I wanted to be his girl. And i want him to be my man.

I know im putting a lot of expectations...but yea, i really do wish that he would say those things. I honestly pray that he would find it in his heart to take me back. We shared a love that is so deep that I was afraid of admitting it because i couldnt believe it was true. I couldnt believe that he would actually fall for me.
I never told anyone this but he did once broke the barrier and repeatedly told me that he loves me and ask me not to leave him. On the day that i left for malaysia, he texted me before the plane took off , and asked me to be loyal to him and to wait for him no matter what happens. I should see that he does love me but things started to be so hard after that and that i forgot my promise to him.

I dont want to blame myself, but i will only blame myself for actually making him believe that i left him. i even blame myself for pampering him while i could have been strict. if i was strict earlier, i wouldnt have let him allowed myself do things that i dont want. and he would know that. and perhaps both of us could have worked together.

i guess the only way for me to heal now is, that i shouldnt regret things that have happened. I should let it go. Allah had allowed it to happen for a reason and im not saying that if i could turn back time, i would take back my words, no. I am only saying that I wish that he would find it in his heart to forgive me and would take me back....and give our love another chance. Im praying that the love would bring us together again and if he is my jodoh, then insyaAllah Allah would pave the way, i have to believe in that.
And if not, then i am glad and happy to have known a man named Zaim whom in his presence i found myself to fall in love again and be happy.

But for now, i am allowing myself to feel sad for the fact that maybe my leaving had left him heartbroken too and makes it harder for him to accept love again and me. I can only pray that he too would im praying for mine....

holding on

Dear diary,

It has been quite some time after the event. It has been raining all the time in Ipoh and the situation is much like the weather. Grey, dim and wet....

Let me be honest with the aftermath of what happened...

The moment i broke myself free, i felt like i have stood up for myself and i have been wanting to do that for a very long time. I felt myself broken and i felt like my feelings were taken for granted. and when i broke myself free that day, i swore that i would try to find myself back. ive lost too much along the way...and i felt lost...and i couldnt live like that. i must also acknowledge the fact that i loved him. i loved him so much that it was so hard to think how could i ever do this to a man that i love? but i was losing myself and i felt angry all the time because i kept my feelings to myself and i should know better than to do that. i broke myself because i dont want to become the person i was becoming. i was angry, i was distant with everybody, friends and family...i was becoming someone that i dont know. i think negatively of the man that i love and i didnt like that one bit. I was a broken girl, emotionally that is and when i became free that day, i honestly felt good. I did think of him, how will it affect him , but i figured, if i stayed like this and pretend that everything was okay, i was hurting myself and im hurting him by being angry and negative all the time. i didnt want a relationship like that.

the time that i was free? how did i felt?
I was free and i set out to do the things that i wanted to do. Ive closen the distance between me and my friends. It is not completed yet , a lot of things needed patching up , but im trying my best. im trying to repair all the relationships that has been broken before. I felt good because i knew i was doing the right thing. but even all the while, i missed him. i tried to remove him completely because at that time, it felt as if i needed to do that. i was still angry that time and talking to him didnt seem like a good idea. so i kept my distance and i was repairing my life in every way it could be repaired. i missed him, everything about him, but i knew i had to do this for everybody's sake, especially for myself. i couldnt live the life that i lived before. i was ready to love and i was willing to give everything to him, but it doesnt mean that my life should be destroyed because of it. i dont know why i felt like it was destroyed. the whole time of this stage, i was thinking about the time we had together.

in my heart, i knew he loved me. i know we connected and i know although both of us are afraid of a heartbreak , we gave in to our feelings and we tried to be together. but i was confused with the way he treated me. i know he loves me and perhaps all the things he did was his way of showing his love. he kept me away from guys because he didnt want me to leave him. but he should know that that will never happen. i loved him so much, all his bad and all his good, how could i ever leave him? he was the best in his way, and i stopped looking for other guys the moment he came into my life. he was the only one and i change my ways a lot because i wanted to show him that. but he never saw that. or maybe he did, i dont know, but it left me hurt and confused why doesnt he believe me?
i kept thinking about us and i wished he believed everything that i did. and i guess he was hoping i would believe everything he did as well. he tried to show me too, but i didnt want to believe because i was afraid that it was all a life. what if he felt that way too? he was afraid i was lying as i was afraid that he was lying? both of us, were not ready to trust and in the end, ended up hurting each other.

i read that the greater the love, the greater the tragedy. i reflected that, alhamdulillah, i was given the chance to fall in love and to have experience a love so deep that each time i did, it became the biggest tragedy in my life. the time i was with miji, it left me broken as well , but i have loved with all my heart when i was with him. but it was not meant to the story ended there.

and then, it was him. i never thought i would fall for him. he was as strange as a man that i have never met before. he appears so strong in front of me, in front of others, but when we spend time with each other, i saw that he is most vulnerable with me. he shows it in a way that no one else could see. i saw a pain in his eyes that i wish i could push it away. i wanted to be the woman he wants in his life. i wanted to love and take care of him. i wanted him to know that i would love him passionately and endlessly if he just lets me.

i left him because i was hurt, and now all i could think about is wanting him back. i dont want him back because i miss him and because im lonely, but its because i cant help feeling that i belong beside him. i dont know how to describe that. i never felt this way before. it hurts so bad to know that you love a person, but you have hurt them and now they are moving away from you.

i dont know whether is he the one for me or not but all i know is i cant stand the fact that he is so close now, in malaysia but i cant make it right. why cant he come and see me? doesnt he want to patch things up? doesnt he want to convince me that things could be better? doesnt he love me?

part of me says, he loves me but he is afraid that he will face another heartbreak again. part of me says, i should just let time decide and see where things should go from here.

all im feeling now is i want to go to him and tell him im sorry and tell him i love him so much. he does mean the world to me, but it doesnt mean that he can do anything he likes with my feelings.

im just so sad at the moment. and i feel its okay to be sad now because i do love him and i didnt let myself be sad earlier because i was so busy feeling angry. and now that i may lose the love of the man that i love, i guess this is the time for me to allow myself to be sad....i feel sad that i have never felt before...i cant eat, its hard for me to sleep unless if i sleep accidentally because im tired. my spirits are so low that only Allah can make me happy. alhamdulillah my friends are around to keep me sane...but other than that, im like a girl who really feels as if she is losing the love of her life and i dont know how to wake up from this...

if only he knows just how much i love him...

Saturday, October 12, 2013

A new beginning

Dear diary,

How are you all doing? Alhamdulillah I am just fine right here and for now, 'fine' is more than alright. And 'fine' is just perfect at the moment.

Dear diary,
I have all the reason to be grateful even after what happened. Life is full of drama and drama teaches you things. That's why I wanted to do a thesis on drama one day because I believe that drama could bring out the best in people and if not that, drama is the key to a person's breakthrough to many great things. It could be a key to self-expression, to self-development, to being more than you could possibly imagine yourself to be. Of course it may sound exaggerating but I just believe drama can do many things. I hope I could prove that one day.

Anyway, what I really intended to say is that, I am grateful that things happen in my life. I can learn a lot and I am learning a lot.

I learnt that a girl needs to be strong wherever and whenever she is. She has got to be the girl of her own mind. She needs to have a principle. Life's principle, life's code. This is important because it could really take care of you and it makes you remember what are the things that you want to do and do not want to do. It does not let you go overboard or limit yourself, depends on the principle you constructed. But principles are important for a girl to live by to.

I have been watching my friends a lot lately, especially the strong ones. My, do I admire them...
They can just be strong as anything, they have their own principles, their code and their boyfriends love them for that.
That is another thing I learnt. If a guy loves you, they will love you for all of you and will trust you. They will respect you and will not treat you like crap. If the guy disagrees, things can be discussed. Fight is normal I learnt but too much is not good either. Alright, the point is, if a guy loves you, they will respect you, admire you, make you feel good about yourself, trust you and want you. So ladies, keep an open eye to these things aite?

My strong friends have such a character. They know what they want and they are very determined. It is this character that I must learnt. I cant be 'me' all the time because well, people may take advantage of that. I dont want that. I have my life and myself to take care of too. I am more than happy to devote myself to something or someone whom I know who will love me back and well does not make me feel bad.

There are so many things to learn in this life and I'll be open to them and see it if it is in front of my eyes.
Life is definitely too short to be angry and bitter all the time. I have to move on and keep moving on. If I happen to find love once again, then I'll pray my heart will be open to it and will not runaway from it.
I have always dreamt of finding my soulmate and true love. I have always wondered how it really works and how it really is. But one never really does know. We could formulate a lot of theories you know but in the end, it is still up to you and if things does not work out then we should not stop trying. The heart may be tired as I'm feeling that right now but it would be a shame to shut your heart out to everything just because one or two incidents have left you dead and dry.

Allah would want me to move on and make the best out of everything that is around me and insyaAllah that is exactly what I would do.

Alright dear diary, I will leave this post here then. Till next time, cheerio! Salam...

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


Dear diary,

I should let you know that things are over. Why? How?
Lets just say, it just didnt work out. I do not want to point any fingers...I am past being angry...i was angry, i was bitter, i had the maximum load of being jealous. i was sad, i cried, i never knew so much pain could come from loving someone.

But that is over now. I am trying to see from a new perspective. Perhaps all those feelings just tells me how much i have fallen for a man... and well, how much i need to recover...

dear diary,

in this love, ive lost more than someone to love in the end...ive lost myself either. i have given in so much, sacrifice a part of who i am so much that i got lost. its just when im back in malaysia that i slowly feel like im recovering like myself again because i have my family.

i want to change for the better. i have always wanted that. and i pray no one will stop me this time. but i need to remember that who ever and what ever that stands in my way from being close to Allah, i should be stronger and fight whatever it is in front of me. there should be no one, not even myself that could or should stop me from fighting for Allah.

that is eternally worth fighting for.

i have deviated so much and i pray that Allah's light will be in our hearts till the end of the day...

i have faith in Him, that He will bring us back and alhamdulillah He has given me the courage to do so.

Allah help me get through this one.... I just want Your blessing...keredhaanMu...

i pray you have a good life.... i have loved you more than i thought i would. you were truly a different person. i have never met anyone like you. as much as i am filled with anger and sadness, i would like to think of you and be reminded you of the best things you are. We pave our destiny...and but Allah shall bring us where we are destined to be.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


Dear diary,

I miss my friends. Though i know perhaps, most of them think that i have changed and i have neglected them, truth is, never. Never in my heart will they be put aside. though my actions may appear and gave that impression, but deep down, in my heart, that will never ever be the case.

i love my friends. They have been with me since forever. they have been with me in times of good and bad. although yes, we may get mad at one another, and fight, but still, theyre my friends you know and ill love them always.

i may spend less time with them now, which is something i would like to change in the future. i dont want them to get hurt because of me. but if i could let them know that they are all so dear to me id be more than happy. but of course, feelings must be expressed through actions then only then, it would make a difference.

I love all of my friends, be it in Malaysia or in the UK, all of them and dear Allah, bless them all...cherish them and bless them with joy and your rahmah ya Allah...they have been exceptionally good to me and i love them with all my heart.

Thursday, July 4, 2013


Dear diary,

Oh god, i miss him soo muchh it hurts. but you know what, distance...altho in a way shud be harder but alhamdulillah, what we both are feeling right now is sweeter. we know that we have got a lot of time zone differences going on, and so we learn and try to make use of every possible opportunity we get to talk to each other. i miss him and i think im falling for him more.....we both have been together and seeing each other so much that when we r far away, it hurts....we miss each others company...

i miss his shopping tricks, i miss shopping with him, he is such a serious shopper which is a complement to me cuz im not.he teaches me what colour goes with what colour, what matches with what, and how men sizes differ. i thought that if i knew the basics, im fine, but no, shopping has more to it, and he shows me that. i never cared how this looks like what and what, but when i see the world in his eyes, i can see how these things matter and it is very interesting to indulge in. of course i dont indulge in for too long coz i still shop only when i need to, but he shops for pleasure and its so good to see him happy. id do anything to keep that smile on his face, the joy and fun he has...oh Allah, how i miss him...

im a serious book collector, book searcher, and he has never done that before, so he finds it amazing that i find so much joy in a book. he keeps on asking me, what do i get from a book? what makes it so special? i just tell him that a book in a way, sets you free, transports you into another world. and what i do with my books is, well i dont just read novels, i dont read chick flicks all d time. when i look at books, i look at all of it. the cover, the smell, how old it is...who is the author, what is the author trying to bring in this time...all of that...the genre...history, poetry...ancient findings....old books, books that have notes in it, those are the things that i look for and i find joy just looking for special and unique books, and when you find that kind of book, when you hold it, you know, its special and its got what you're searching for. the feeling is truly awesome!

im currently in kemaman right now, good to be home alhamdulillah. its great to be back in familys arms and oh tmrw we are going to the market which i looovee....gona find neat stuff there, food basically which is so cool! alright cant wait!

i have been skyping with him since the night i got back and its so good to see him, although he is far away, but skype will do. he calls me you know every now and then and i can hear in his voice that he means it when he says he misses me....i miss him terribly and i wish im there with him right now...Allah please take care of him ya Allah....and dont let him feel too lonely. at least i have my family here to keep me company, i just hope he is alright on his own. ill see you soon dear diary. bye for now.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

at lost

dear diary,

i am at lost. what do i do? i think i may have lost him for good. he thinks ive betrayed him. i know he doesnt like me hanging out with a certain friend of mine, but what can i do? i am close to the friend, i have made that clear to him a long time ago, why cant he understand? i am close to the friend and his family. we are just friends,why is it so hard for him to accept that? why does he have to let his ego in the way? if he could accept the friend as my friend, honestly, he doesnt have to worry about anything because thats what we are. everybody knows that, why cant he see it?
i have tried avoiding seeing him but it feels wrong. why do i have to do that? its not that i have a special relationship with the friend or something that he could be jealous of? Friendship, thats all.

and now he thinks im lying to him because there are a few instances of me seeing the friend and he does not know about it? well those instances are accidents, i tried not to but we live in the same area, what can we do?

if only he knows and understand, it would have been much easier. i dont know how else to do it. i cant do it i think.

I am falling for the guy, i miss not talking to him....but he's angry at me, im angry at him too for setting up barriers for me. i want my life back.

Love is supposed to be an addition to your life, it should add to the happiness, not take the other things way. thats what i always believe in, and thats what i have been reminded of.

 You, I love you but i dont think i can follow your ways. I am honestly happy being your friend, but i cant be more than that i think, because i am making you unhappy and i am unhappy as well being in a situation like this. i miss you but you need to know my life too.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Sorry but i just miss him

Dear diary,

I miss him. Regardless of what others say, I do miss him. Miss him so much that it hurts. It is different when u miss a friend, but when u miss that special someone, u know d feelings different because it pulls in different directions and ur mind is constantly elsewhere. People say, Sarah, u look sad, ure quiet but have u ever thought that maybe she just misses somebody and all she wants is to be with him? Yeah I was outgoing and I am everywhere and so active a long time ago. Well, Im still am, its just im active elsewhere and im outgoing elsewhere, when im with him, because there is where i want to be. I havent changed, im still me, its just my attention has changed. Is that so wrong? I try hard not to neglect my friends. I try my very best to still spend some time with them but who can deny what i want? I love spending my time around him, thats all.

And yes, i am trying to lessen my bond with friends who are guys because i dont know, when uve met that someone, u wudnt feel like going out with other men because well u just dont really feel like it and besides he wouldnt like it as well. I didnt get that at first, but ive asked a few guys about this and yeah, most  would say they  wouldnt like the girl they like to hang out with guys too much. And yes, people say im not his gf yet so why wud u want to do that? The thing is, right now, thats how i feel. I do still love my friends dont get me wrong, its just, at the moment, i dont know with me going back n all, knowing it wud be long till i get to see him again, its just so.....emotional and im sorry if anyone felt like ive ignored them, but sorry,  i cant please evrybody. At the moment, i just miss him.

It doesnt matter whether what i have with him will work out or not and people say, sarah, its risky. Yes i know. Ive felt it and ive discussed it with hiim before. But me just by being me, I just want to live the moment. While it is still there, and yes i do think of the future, and it would be a lie if i dont want to see myself with him, but thats in the future, and insyaAllah, i know Allah will guide me through and i know somethings happening right now in the oblivion that it wud direct me towards my future, just as the events before me had happened. it had lead me here and ill wait patiently to know whats coming up next.

I just miss him, as a friend, as more than friends, I miss him and although he can be the most annnoying person ive met in my life, but Gosh, he honestly drives me crazy and each moment that i could be with him, especially in real life, is a blessing and it makes me soo happy.

Alright, gotta continue packing. Got a lot more to go. See ya, bye.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Allow me to make this right

Dear diary,

Heyy it has been a while hasnt it? How have u been? Me? Alhamdulillah generally im fine but on the inside, there are a lot of emotions going on. The thing is, Ive been hearing lots of stories behind my back, very interesting. When one tries not to tell much in person, but there will always be other sources and speculations but there's nothing we can do about that really, it happens you know but im here with a mission to make one thing straight so that well i dont know just how many people read my blog but if they do, i want them to know one thing and i hope it passes around. I dont have to do this i know but i just feel its necessary so that negative impressions could cease down.

1. Yes I care for the guy and I am happy to be with him. Honestly, when you get to know him, he is a good man. Seriously a good man. Please dont think and spread around that he is not. Just because he does things differently and acted out of the norm, doesnt make him a bad man. Really one just have to dwell in that personality to get to know the real him. And alhamdulillah i am happy to be able to see that part of him and that is the reason why i spend so much time with him because i can see the good side of him that many finds it hard to do so. It is not that im forced to be with him or anything, its just i want to spend more time with him. It is as simple as that. People may say im blinded by my feelings but this time i am speaking with an air just to defend a person's face.

The thing is, at least he comes down to my place to see me and he came to my ceremony to support me. I can never be more grateful than that. Altho people speculate behind us, but at least he came. Doesnt that show that he is trying to be a good friend to me? Really. All this while people have been asking when he is coming down to Coventry because it has always been me going to London, well guys, here he is and the least we could do is smile and make him feel welcomed! True, i have been wrong in the way i have done it. I should have been more sensitive to the accomodation details but i did survey around and that was the last resort. Its not that i didnt think about it, i did, its just it was the last resort.  And i guess i was being too naive about that fact that i thought people wont mind but they do and i apologise ferociously about it and hope it will be put behind us.

2. We are good friends, really good friends. Yes i do have feelings for him as more than friends but there is not title to what we have because we do like to remain as good friends, honestly. Both of us are comfortable that way. Of course there should be limitations to how we socialise and honestly in my head, there is nothing wrong in girls and boys being friends and go out together because i dont know, its like as long as you do nothing wrong and more than that, i figured its okay to do so. But of course, there should be limitations and allowing a guy to use your room, in a girls' flat is not acceptable i learnt. But really, i see nothing wrong in that but i should take other's feelings into consideration and that i admit, i overlooked the matter.

3. I am happy being with him. Talking to him, spending time with him. He is a such a great company and really i am happy to do things for him. Its just the same how i would be happy to do things for my other friends. I really honestly dont mind and i am happy to do so. I guess i am weird in that sense but its not like he forced me or anything but i just happily want to do it.

4. I would honestly appreciate people not talking bad about us. I know my actions have provoked such situations to arise and i do apologise for that. The reason im writing this all down is i just want the bad stories to go down....really....he is a good man and i would really really appreciate people not talking bad about him and 'pandang serong' terhadap dia.  True, he is different and people nampak the obvious and i can see it too okay, not that i dont. I just hope to be a good friend to him although yes i do feel for him more than that. And i do also know him and know the story behind every action that is made, not everything is what it seems. But just basically, i just hope everything will cease down.

5. Thank you guys for noticing if i have been wrong in my ways and tegur mana patut. I truly do appreciate it. ..I know you guys are just looking out for me and yg mana salah, i have realized it and i intend to right my ways.

6. In certain things, yes i agree i should be more strict. Like, i should be able to go and socialise with anyone i want and not always been couped up in the room just being on the phone with him. it is partly my fault for that. actually yes i do like being on the phone with him and im sorry i havent been able to spend much time with other friends.

7. It is not easy you know to make everyone happy... but i know my friends are just looking out for me and i really am grateful for that and really do appreciate it. But i like spending my time with him too. I do.  He does make me happy regardless of the other things people think he's doing to me.

8. But yes, i need to betulkan apa yg salah. I need to think the things that would make Allah happy first then others will follow. By doing that, I wouldnt feel so stress about this. Honestly, it is stressful to take into account what your friends think of you and what he thinks of you. and then, you would be left wondering, what about my happiness? im talking about both sides. he should know that part of my life, yes i do have my friends and they make me happy and my friends should see that he too makes me happy and i intend to have him still in my life.

9. Ya Allah, please guide me to what i should do. Please give me the strength to do what is right according to  Your ways ya me towards what is right and izinkanlah dua2 pihak dpt berdamai... I love the guy and i dont intend to lose him... i love my friends too and i dont want them to think im neglecting them coz im not.

10. That's all from me in this entry, i hope this would be able to clarify some things about the stories that has been going around.

Friday, May 24, 2013

24 May 2013

Dear diary,

He asked me, am i important to you?
and then i told him, yes you are. definitely. i mean how could he not see that? it is obvious he is important to me because a lot of events that happen this year, like me shopping for new clothes, new tudung, new scarf, just so that i can look good for him and me going to london a lot of times like its a normal two hour trip that i can just do everyday, i did, just so that i can see him , just so that i can make him happy. those things happen because apparently his happiness matters to me. and i would only want him to be happy and feel safe around me.

i even waited to know whether he is busy or not during june, and wud he have time for me because i dont want to plan anything because maybe he wud want to spend time with me too. i think about all that, and yet he still doubts that is he important to me? oh god, I love him.

He is the craziest dude i have ever met. really crazy. so crazy...and i love him for it. he is really not easy to be with, really really not easy but underneath all that, he lovable, so passionate, so kind, sweet and gentle...he puts up an act, a mask to protect himself, but underneath that there is a guy that is just so special. when i fell for him, i did not fall for his good looks, or his charm, because that is not d first thing that stayed strong in my mind. i fell for him because he is annoying, i fell for him because he is crazy, its like d little things he has, d manja, d merajuk, d menggatal part of him( he just loves d attention from lots of girls) goddd, he is just crazy. and underneath all that, there is a guy who is so considerate, so loving...i would wana write this in my diary because this is supposed to be more personal, but typing is faster and there is just so much emotion in my heart right now that only Allah knows how i feel inside.
May this will lead somewhere.... truly i pray that it would.... amin.... ya Allah on this blessed day, bless his words, bless our words of love ya Allah and let it be for Your sake ya Allah... let it be so that it would lead towards having your rahmat n barakah ya Rab...amin....

Thursday, May 2, 2013

We are all different

Dear diary,

Hey, how you doing? Im alright thank you very much and alhamdulillah things are...well...alhamdulillah. the condition right now is more than i had ever hope for to happen so i could only say is, alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah for every breath Allah has given me, for the chance of living life to be His hamba and a chance to still be feeling a small part of love that i thought i would never feel again...

Dear diary,
i have just got to know a lot of speculation and stories have been circulating. about what? well.. about a certain thing.... it happens a lot apparently haha...but thats normal...its life...we cant stop that from happening can we?

What i would like to say tonight is that time has gone by and i as i grew up , i meet a lot of new people and i got to know new personalities, new characteristics of a person and it is true that people come from all shapes and sizes and so many different personalities that it just makes you think that life and Allah's creations are truly diverse and all are beautiful in their very own way.

I have friends in all shapes and sizes, with many different personalities and tempers. Not to say it is easy to live with each one of them, all have their perks and challenges, but they are Allah's creation and Allah has created them like so for a reason and there is a reason that they have been sent in your life because Allah knows you can be a friend to them. Of course it could also be a test for you, to see whether can you be patient with all of this or it is a self reflection kind of thing to show what can you actually put up with life and it is not a bad thing if you cant put up with a certain characteristic, no of course not, it is completely normal and that is called self preference. it can be perceived through many different ways and to me, i think we should try to give each person a chance...and if in the end, you cant handle it, then its your choice. nobody is forcing you to stay. you have the will power but yet again, some decisions are hard to make tho you know its bad for you but thats not the main point here tonight hehe.

the main point is, that people will always be different and that is what makes each of us unique in our very own way. I knew a guy who has a child, and is divorced, and everyone was sceptical of him because of that but actually, he is the nicest guy i have ever met. so far that ive known him, he would never hurt a fly. he is so kind and so sweet, and so thoughtful. Speculations about him are done just because things happen in his life that he has no control over which is...kinda unfair. I pray that he will always be blessed with happiness and he will find the happiness he is looking for. Although we dont talk to each other that much anymore but I pray that i will be there as a friend to him. Allah bless him amin....

And now just because someone is different, who is a bit more eccentric and does things differently and drastically than anyone else doesnt mean he doesnt deserve a chance to be known and be friends with? Just imagine if we are in the person's place? Wouldnt we feel, we only wanted to be accepted and it is kinda frustrating that everybody doesnt seem to understand and run away from you? Of course if people are running away from you, it signals something is wrong with you somehow, but still, there is that side of you which i think all of us would feel deep inside the feeling of wanting to be, i dont know for us, who are very fortunate to have lots of friends to back you up, that is a privilege...a gift, and for me, a gift like that needs to be shared...

Im sorry, it may not make sense at the moment, but im just trying to make a point that doesnt mean if that persons different, doesnt mean that the person cant be a good person. You might not know that actually the person has the kindest heart in the world if you just let them into your life...and you might know that the person can actually be the funniest person you have ever met and you realized you have never laughed more real and so much till your cheeks hurt, till you met that person. You might know that the person may only be looking for a true friend because all this while, their experiences have taught them differently and they are who they are now because of certain people who betrays their trust in the past.

We can always pass judgement easily just by the looks of things but we may not know more about the person till you actually know them...and yes it may take some time, but actually slowly, you would see a different side of them that nobody else could. I am well aware of the eccentric things that goes on in a person , its weird...but slowly it is those eccentric things that makes me intrigued and think perhaps there is more to that person than meets the eye although patience is truly yea...

Oh btw, ive been watching RyanHiga's video a lot which is so cool and soooooo funnnyyyyyy!!!! ahhhh i love himmm....i think i have a crush on him... he is sooo funny.... i think i do appreciate humor in a guy keeps you laughing and playful ...and it is also a great ice breaker as well hehe.... okay then time to hit the books!

Just a quick update on my life, family is alright and how am i feeling? I am feeling...alhamdulillah happy.... i do... in a weird way that a lot of people dont understand, i do actually.... and i pray that i can feel this happiness a little bit is not the kind of happiness that you just feel like.....its there and everything is so wonderful and all, no its not that. this happiness is the one that you know you have got to fight for it and when you fight for it, you feel that insyaAllah you have sort of earned it and it gives a fulfilling feeling that ...only you can understand.... its an earned happiness, a hard working one, hopefully it is blessed....

Alright, that is all for tonight.... and hope i will write more soon!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Better not forget

Dear diary,

I would like to make another list that would remind me of what i need to do and be aware of in life. Hope you will find it useful too.

1. Always put Allah as the first and top priority in your life. Absolutely important. I may trip and find myself tumbling every now and again but Allah is ever so merciful, He gives us the chance to repent and redeem our sins. Allah, thank you ya Allah....alhamdulillah.
2. Treat our parents right! Never ever forget them, keep them close, call them always sarah. it is not hard. just pick up the phone and call them every 2 days. remember they are after all your one and only parents. it is not hard. honestly, make it a point!
3. Keep a lookout for the people who accepts you for who you are, because these people are very hard to come by. they would love you and keep you close no matter how you are and what you have done. be it a friend or a loved one, if they can accept you for who you are, then, they are a keeper. at least, we know that they are sincere in becoming our friends and they are not just after the good things we have in life. but all in all, accepting everything as it is and would try to keep each other motivated and improved in life.
4. Dont forget your dreams! My dream is to go to Egypt one day. I want to live there, study there, be a personal tutor there and embrace the culture. i want to learn and master hieroglyphics. to me, it is very important to know so that i can be involved in deciphering the secrets of the past. it would be ultimately cool! so cool! pray that i will achieve my dream. i am planning to do this after the 5 years contract with the government. i want to apply an internship or something and be sent there and experience life over there. that would be soo so cool!

Friday, April 19, 2013


I just created a Keek account... ive been interested in it since the moment i was introduced to it. It looks like a cool device. Im gonna use when i go to priya's house later insyaAllah. She is not feeling very well so gonna pop in and see her. Thats it! I am not letting her out of the house for more socials anymore. Thats it! she is going to drink soup and stay in bed and work for appropriate hours. she needs to start takiing care of herself! ishhh... okay gonna go n get ready now, oh my i havent vacuumed my room yet. but at least i kinda make it look more neat than the last state it was in errr...okay, gotta go see ya! and oh yea, when i do post my first keek vid, ill sure let you know ok, ok bubye...

I Miss You

I miss you
How do I make it up to you?
You drive me crazy
since the moment I met you
You 'intruded' my nights
with your phone calls
You drained me out
with laughter
making silly jokes and unthinkable comments
You lit up my day

You were becoming part of me
The songs we shared were similar
the image and imagination
were so vivid and yet so playful
I was so cheerful around you

You were also so emotional with me
You get mad at things that i thought people wont get mad about
But its like you said
You and I are different
and looking through your eyes is what im trying now
so that i could understand you better

I fell in love...

Things may have changed now
But i pray that the love is still there...
I accept that whats going on now is the consequence of my past
But i pray to be given a second chance in love
I do hope for it
I do pray for it
May your heart hear my call...

Friday, April 12, 2013

Ya Allah...

Ya Allah ya rahman ya rahim, ampunkanlah dosa2 hambamu ini ya Allah... sesungguhnya your hamba telah byk membuat dosa, and all that she's hoping for is for You to forgive her and give her a chance to change and become a better person....

Ya Allah, You have given me that chance since a long time ago... Alhamdulillah You have never deprive me of that chance and i am trying my very best not to waste it... Ya Allah, You have given me so much in my life,  all the nikmat You have given and all kinds of love im able to feel.... Alhamdulillah ya Allah and i pray i would always be on Your path and work towards in gaining Your love and rahmat...

Tonight, ya Rabb, i have... let down a person whom im starting to have feelings for... You have sent him into my life ya Allah, a reason ive wondered why, but as time passes, i got to know why...  he makes me think, he is able to sedarkan myself from thinking that i cant take everything lightly, people are different and i should not expect people to think the same way that i do... thats what i learnt from him and it is a valuable lesson that perhaps pushes me to move forward and i pray that i do.

You have seen me grown up ya Allah and You know me, inside and out, better than i would know myself... You know how i am like and of course, Engkau Maha Mengetahui, You would know how this guy makes me feel.

I love him ya Allah, i do... i would never ever would want to hurt him but i did. I honestly wish that this is a nightmare and i would wake up anytime soon and hope that all of this never happened, wishing that i have never ever hurt him. He has a good heart, no matter how stubborn or annoying he can be... but he has a good heart. Any girl would have been so blessed to have him as her husband. He can be a good husband, i can see that. He is strong, principled and he is not afraid to do the right thing or say the right thing no matter how different it may seem but he has his own way of making a point and thats what i love about him, he is crazy but good crazy.... he makes me happy, makes me playful, but at the same time, he makes me responsible, and asks me to think on another level, asks me to be a grown up in my decisions and that everything has a consequence.

i do realize that things have consequences... i have lived with regret all my life but Allah says 'la tahzan' dont be sad, He is ever Merciful, ever forgiving and honestly it is only because of You ya Allah, i am still able to smile and live life as anyone else. Allah says to not ever give up on His rahmat or nikmat because it is everywhere around us..... i have a past, but i wish n hope to move on and dear Allah, help me to move on... help me to become better and thank You for granting me, blessing me with this one guy, who actually pushes and makes me wana be better. I dont know what he will think of me now, i just pray that he would still see me as the Sarah that he knows before.... because i am still that Sarah, i am still that girl regardless of anything and honestly, really, i do want to become better.

Ya Allah please give us the strength to live life as You would have wanted, to balance our life on earth and also the hereafter.... dont leave me, and dont give up on me ya Allah, and dont ever let me give up on You... let him be safe, take care of him and grant him peace and Your loving ya rahman...

I cant sleep, perhaps ill wait for subuh... tomorrow, i hope my eyes dont give away how much i havent slept and cried... i havent seen siti or allyanne for a very long time, even adam n faiz...could u believe that i havent texted anyone and i have been so couped up in my room for many days that my friends are starting to think that im a vampire! i think siti is mad at me, and i hope to make it up to her tomorrow. its not gonna be easy tmrw,with me thinking about all this. i wish i could change it but i cant and it is not good to say that right, i wish i wish i could change because in some way, somehow, things do happen for a reason, perhaps this is my reminder, a reminder that i should be wary of my actions, a reminder for both of us to be careful in falling in love. i can love him with all my heart, really i can... i am willing to not spend time with the usual gang im with just because of him... but this one thing happened and i cant take it back and so, i would have to go on with life from there.

it would be ... a miracle if one day, he is able to see me as just me, that he is able to see past my actions, my past and just see me and would love me as me regardless of what ive done. it would be a dream, a miracle, a blessing..... that is a lot to hope for, but there is no limit to what you can ask from our Creator, and He expects us to ask from Him and ask Him i shall.... alright, i think i better make a eyes are tired, but my heart still wants to fight and prove to him that things can be alright.... i dont know what to do, i pray that He would shine the way and guide me to what i should do... ok dear diary, i shall take my leave.

                                                                                                                              signed ,
                                                                                                              -the saddest of my ife-

Monday, April 1, 2013


Dear Diary,

It is in the middle of the night and here I am, in front of the laptop, listening to 'This will be' by Natalie Cole, one of my favourites from the oldies. How is everybody? Hope everyone is ok, and oh it's easter by the way and most universities students are having their easter break and I am left with 2 more weeks of holidays. Yeahhh holidays are great arent they? Honestly, how can anyone get enough of holidays? Holidays are simply the best and even if u do have work to do over the holidays, it's ok cause you would be able to do them in your own free time and according to your will. I love that feeling; to be able to work without pressure. It is pleasurable in so many ways, altho a little pressure is good but i still prefer to work without last minute pressure. Okay, enough about that. I am here to share you a lil bit of Paris!!!

Haha, yes dear diary, I went to Paris for three days and 2 nights and there is only one word I could use to describe it, it is simply wonderful! Wonderful haha... I can honestly just smile just thinking about it, thinking about the trip, the experience, the places and the guy I am with during the holidays, all adds up to a wonderful getaway. Alhamdulillah...

Who did I go with ? why did that question had to be the first? Haha... scratch that, i'll save that up for later. ill ask another question then.

Where did i go?

I went to Paris in general, and gosh, Paris is just so charming! It is dirty, dont get me wrong, but yea it is and the people... some are nice and some are not, just the basic general people. But i loved the combination between the old design of trains and platforms but at the same time it had all the modern facilities. It was unique.... no wonder a lot of people would like to come here but of course the response and reaction towards it varies, but if you just ignore the dirtiness and the harshness of the lifestyle in Paris, you would find it romantic and its such a charming, romantic city. 

I went to Le Tour De Eifl, Notre Dame and Du Louvre. Aaaahhhh I was so happy... I get to explore the city the way I wanted to, i mean really explored the city and the metro system this time, oh my god, it is not the easiest thing to do but it was such a challenge and it was a good experience! And what more, I get to go to Du Louvre and that is the amazing thing! I have always wanted to go and I went in it and it was sooo soo big,so many paintings and there were so many sculptures, beautiful they are and there were Egyptian and Islamic entry which is soo so cool! It is always nice to see the Islamic design and ways are being incorporated and accepted in the areas of the world. It shows that you cant runaway from the Islamic influence no matter how much people are trying to get rid of it, you just cant cuz it is Allah's religion, it is what Allah has blessed down for us and Alhamdulillah we are part of it and I pray I will always be in it, and always be grateful. I pray not to be too lost in the world and forget what really matters- that is to be with Him in the end. That is the only consolation I have whenever I fear of the days of the End. I pray that I will always remember Him, be thankful and do good deeds so that His love will always be upon us all. 

Alright, so basically I went to those three main places and I had such a wonderful time. Honestly, I would want to do it again. Such a good trip and.... with Allah's will, I would not have got to do it without the company of mr.Z. 

Ah so now you get the image of who I went with right? Haha yes dear diary, I went with our beloved mr.Z and for that part, I will write another entry in a minute. So see you in the next entry which I am going to write about in 5 minutes. Mmuuah mmuahh ciao!

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Dear diary,

Hey, it has been a while since i last made an entry. So sorry about that had my hands full. and actually right now, i still have em full, with assignments and what not, but i figured i wana do a quick entry before resuming to my beloved essays. Gosh i have 3 to submit, well 4 but 3 in the near time. I hope I do have time. the thing is, although it may look simple, and the word count is not that much but its because there is a word count which makes it all a bit more complex. u have to concise everything in, and pack it all up. u cant write as much as u want. You have to choose and be critical at the same time. not so easy i tell you but hey , we gotta try right. What is a challenge without a challenge.

Ya Allah, please guide me through ya Allah. I feel so much better knowing that You will be there ya Allah to guide me through, like no matter what, You are gonna be there like forever and ever, and i can tell you anything. You know me so well, You created me, You know how i'm like.... i used to fall so easily, but less now. You know how im trying to guard my heart,I  to try to see things as bluntly sometimes as they are because im scared of hoping and being crushed again ... I have been in a relationship, a long, serious,commited relationship and that did not end that well for me and gosh i dont want to feel that pain again where i had to let go of something i dearly love.
I guess experiences had me a bit ... well.... sceptical just a bit, and i understand more about the way the world works now whether i like it or not, thats how it is right. Just have to live it and adapt. .... But i still do cherish in the power of love. I am a disney girl afterall haha how could i ever let go of the hope of there is always a happily ever after... there is not one happily ever after, but many in our lives and it comes after a bliss, a struggle or a fight. And that dear diary, is worth fighting for.

I know that came a bit out of the blue hehe but... i dont know, i just had to let that out and i havent made an entry for a long time, so thats the entry for today haha i would wana share something with u more, but mybe not now.  Alright, back to work!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Just a girl...

'Don't forget, i'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her'-Notting Hill.

Dear diary,
this is one of my favourite quotes of all time. It is for all of the girls out there, who wishes to confess but fears to do so, and it is for all those boys out there, that when a girl confesses to you, or claims to have affections for you, do not push her aside so easily, because well, it might as well be you in that position and what more if a girl is in that position, she would be well.... crushed easily. But girls are strong! Of course, in time, her heart will heal. But, the quote above is just enough to tell you that no matter how that girl is, whether she is really independent, or really happy all the time or anything that tells you that she would be okay with it, she is really deep inside, just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. And that requires much of a girl to do so. everyone in the society expects a boy to confess first, so for a girl to do the first move, requires much strength and bravery.

Just a little quote to share through the night. Goodnight everybody....

Sunday, February 3, 2013



Dear diary,
im sorry but ive just gotta start it with a laugh hehehe coz im here to tell you about a particular guy who is soooooooooo incrediblyyyyyy annoyinggggg!!!! hahahaha

He is like...... somebody that i can have a real argument with. I have never talked to a guy that way before. I would never talk in that manner in d first place. Oh but with him, he just brings out the ... the inner firey part of me that i thought nobody could take out. except for a particular friend of mine but i never saw him more than just a friend that i could argue with.

But this guy, he ... he be honest, i can see a certain 'future' sort of if i wanted to, insyaAllah. Allah has sent me this guy for a reason into my life. every guy Allah has sent in my life has their very own significance and insyaAllah im sure this guy has his own significance too.

He makes mee sooo angryy, sooo fired up! But the thing is, the firey part is not the kind that you would dread over, its d kind that would just makes u laugh in the end.

He has his charm i must admit. He knows how to get his way around me. His effort is adorable tho its hard for me to say. He just likes to bully me around. He drains my energy by calling me in the middle of d night and we talk until 4 am in the morning and that would still would not stop unless i say i want to sleep.

Oh one more thing, normally i meet guys who loves to sleep, who would just prefer sleep over doing anything else. But this guy, he would just not sleep. he wouldnt mind not sleeping, but do his work or talking to me! He is the first guy who does not put sleep as his priority list which is very unusual.

And he is sooooo perasannn omgggg!!! He thinks he is sooooooo goood... well he is... butt... he is soooo perasaannnn!!! hahahah.... thats one of his charm really. its just sooo ... soo.... u just want to slap him, or wrestle him, or strangle him or just push him off something.

I could be myself around him but this self of mine is not the kind that one would think. This self is the one that i am my worse and he still would want to be friends with me. I am so mengade with him. I am not that mengade with anyone else. i dont know how to describe it but i am so mengade with him, i am talkative around him, i literally just could scream when i talk to him. and and.... i could just marah him whenever i like. i dont have to cautious around him. i can say anything i like, i can be as annoying as well to him because he is so annoying to me, i can be honestly really really...... terrible around him but he is still there and it just makes you think.

He just appeared into my life out of nowhere and now he is well.... part of my life i guess. So annoying.
He really just is so annoying. Hahaha. * thats the effect he has over me: he is so annoying, but it makes you smile. So annoying, hahaahha. Ok2, well dear diary, thats d latest entry.

His name? Hahahaha lets save that for another day. For now, all i could say is he is the annoying...z! hahaha

ill see you around next time then, Assalamualaikum!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Not the same....

Dear diary,

it is almost 4 am in the morning and im unable to sleep.... just been doing some work and well, catching up on some stuff.

dear diary, i just have to say this.... that things are just not the same anymore. What things? Well lets just put it this way:

what used to be together, it is not anymore.
there is nothing much i can say, tho i can say lots.

sometimes things are done because it is necessary for it to do so,
so that one would not feel awkward of the other.

i miss it, thats all im saying, i miss it.
who knows how much time there is left for me in this,
but till the time comes
i pray i will leave with memories
that will last for a lifetime...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Ohhh Noo!

Dear diaryyyy, i just had a panic attack when i was doing my reading on discourse analysis and identity. i was reading about how each person has an identity and identity evolves in time. and the more you interact with people, the more it shapes you. so, to form an identity, it is very good to go mixing with people, provided you do not lose yourself completely while interacting.

you have to have a bit of yourself in it. its just interaction influences a big part of shaping who you are and the identities you hold. a person can have more than one identity. you can be a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a best friend *and this is where my panic attack happens (im not anybody's girlfriend atm!!!)

hahahahah it didnt really bother me before but ... well i went to card factory with tia today and she was buying a card for her fiance. its such a sweet gesture. she is so in love and her fiance is coming to warwick this friday and they will get to meet up. i am so happy for her, im imagining if im in her place, i would be on top of the world being able to meet the one i love after a long time not seeing each other. i realized when i was looking all through the beautiful crafted cards in the shop that i realize i dont have anyone to give it to. dear diary, this is the first year of me, of really not having a guy to give a love card to. plus, it is approaching valentine's day, so the feeling is greater. i do not celebrate valentines day. the celebration of love should be everyday shouldnt it?

 but it has been a while since i did not spend through it alone. last year, in the early years, miji was still there and well, the love was there haha. i dont remember whether i sent him a card or anything at that time. it was a rocky moment for us at that time i believe. we were not in good terms, but despite that, i still had feelings for him and so, the 'celebration of love' was sort of there. but this year, i realize, i couldnt give anyone those lovely beautiful cards.

 and u know what, the person that i thought who would not give her heart to anyone in this near future is head over heels with someone and she just completely lost it. given if the guy consents, or reacted positively to her affections, i swear there would be a marriage soon!!! haha she is so gonna get it from me, this is not supposed to happen until she turns 30-quoting her-. but im happy for her really. just by looking at her swooning at the guy, omggg.... i lost her, she is not someone i knew all these years hahaha... that guy has got to go through me first. need to interview him first and see if he is right for her then things can get down to business. how dare he takes her away from me :p haha

 okay2, so yea thats the realization i had while i was doing my reading haha. its gonna be a weird moment for me, not having anyone at the moment. but in a way, its a blessing too. i am grateful, dont get me wrong, of the situation that i am in right now. Alhamdulillah, it is a way for me to find myself and i am discovering bits n pieces of me back and it feels good.

 i think it is just the panic talking when u discover what u dont have, while others are cherishing in the arms of their loved ones. i pray that they will cherish their loved ones with all their hearts while they still can. those moments are truly fragile.they can dissapear in an instant. i honestly dont know who will i be with in the future. its so mysterious...but i guess thats where we need to keep believing that Allah has instore for me something that will be good for me in His eyes. InsyaAllah i will go on this journey and praying and hoping that things will work out at its best. ;)

Kiss me

Dear diary,
This is a song by Ed Sheeran 'Kiss Me' and it is such a lovely song. Beautiful words, the melody, it just lets u sing out the emotion u have in you. Well hope you can feel the effect too haha... here are the words....
Kiss me....

Settle down with me 
Cover me up
cuddle me in 

lie down with me 
and hold me in your arms

and your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck,
im falling for your eyes but they dont know me yet,
(*this is my favourite line in the song)
and with a feeling i'll forget, 
i'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
you wanna be loved
you wanna be loved
this feels like falling in love
falling in love
we're falling in love

settle down with me 
and i'll be your safety, you'll be my lady 

i was made to keep your body warm
but i'm cold as the as the wind blows, so hold me in your arms

yeah ive been feeling everything
from hate to love
from love to lust
from lust to truth
i guess thats how i know you
so i hold you close to help you give it up

Monday, January 14, 2013

Snow in Coventry!

Dear diary,
Assalamualaikum and a very good morning to you dear diary and hey its snowing! Woke up, and i heard didi  saying that she wants to go early to class today because she wanted to get a few shots outside and i thought maybe because its snowing outside and yea it did! Alhamdulillah.... such a beautiful scenery and a lovely view to wake up to.

Hmm ive got two classess today, and going out in the evening... but i hope i do have time to watch Merlin before i go out hahaha.... that should not be the main thing to do everyday but ... i couldnt help it! Haha

Ohh Balqis came over last night and it was supposedly a study session and it was dont worry, i did not tempt her to watch Merlin or anything last night. She tempted me! haha... but it was only for a while, and then we study, we studied chemistry yesterday, that was so much fun, i miss chemistry,i miss science!! she was trying to indoctrinate k-pop to me, but i said, no... not k-pop... u cant make me! i can like a few songs, but  no, u cant spread k-pop to me, aint gonna happen! hehe

but it was really fun, i hope she can come again and we can hang more! and i hope i am a good influence to her haha better set a good example! i must always remember that!

But the thing is dear diary, i learn so much from them...
'them' i meant, the younger people around me.... normally yes, people say you should hang out with someone older or your own age, but ... the thing is, its so much fun to hang out with people who are younger! its not just about the age, i thiink its the spirit, the spirit of youth! you can be as old as 50 but if you have a young spirit, life is as adventurous and mysterious as it always is.

they can teach you things and make you see life in their own way and it is a peculiar thing to be involved in. and in another way, it has that innocence about the things they do. they do it is not because there is a hidden agenda or anything, but its just because they want to and its what they believe in, and its sorta innocent. its like, you dont have to care about what other people think about you, you just do it! this is your life, and you live it the way you want it too... of course we have to consider others as well, im not naive haha, but yeah,if you could balance that, that would be cool.... the point is, you can learn a lot from them and thats why i love to hang with my brothers.... the youngest, he can teach me so many things...he surprises me at times with the things he does and thinks, and my second, he surprises me even more, and he is even more mature than me Sometimes and he likes to think that he is the big brother, cuz he is bigger, but noo... not a chance amir, i am still the big sister! haha... he better remember that!

i guess what they have taught me is that, live life simply, and you would see the wonder around you... they didnt say this to me, but it is what i realized when i hang out with them, i miss them, i really do. May Allah panjangkan our jodoh and i can still meet them when i get back, amin. the things i realize when i hang with people younger than me.

ohh i remember one saying, a good friend of mine always says this, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonades out of em haha, and yup that sort of summarises that you make full use of the things that are given to you in this life, live life to the fullest and if there is a room to make things easy, you take it, dont make life harder haha *this is referring to a shopping incident, i could just easily bring a trolley bag or something because apparently i shopped a lot that day, and i just make life harder by trying to carry it all, but luckily he was there and helped me out haha and even to that, i said no, so.. the moral of the story, when things can be helped out, you let it, as long as not troubling people so much but i think i kinda did, haha so gotta make sure i dont do that again, so yeah, definitely gotta bring a trolley bag haha

Okay, back to youthful spirit, and yeah, my mother for example, she can be so motherly *of course haha, she is the most responsible person ive known, and i know i can count on her for anything, anythinggg alhamdulillah, she knows what to do! but the thing about my mum is, she has such a young spirit! she would try to know the latest thing about the current generation and she would just wana hang with me and my brothers, getting to know the current songs and put it on her phone and she is just so cool that way.
i can see her youth especially if she is around her older sisters, my aunts. she is the youngest of them all and it shows when we all gather. she is just bubbly and jolly in her own way and i couldnt help but smile when i see her that way. May Allah bless her always amin....

so yeah, thats the thing about youthful spirit! it keeps you going! it makes life interesting. you would see that in each things around us, has wonder! if you see that, then you would wana live your life to the fullest and you can find joy in the simplest thing around you, for example... typing on your laptop right now, in the early morning and feeling like a writer trying to finish up her new book haha.... that would so cool though if it were true.... gonna have my own book one day insyaAllah... i have the content in  my head, its just i gotta get to work!

ooopss i gotta go! seee yaaa laterr.... salam dear diary..... *let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.....

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Still wrapped up in my golden fleece....

Dear diary, 

I havent worked for so long.... mmmm because there are too many other things to do in my life! i just couldnt find the time haha Alhamdulillah  but gotta start soon.... but i just honestly wana focus on my studies now...

missing my brothers... cant wait to hang out with them soon when i get back. my time in the uk is almost coming to an end, i do want to make d most of it insyaAllah.... but i do miss my brothers so, justin biebers songs are gonna be on my playlist for a while haha

ohh my friend, musaddiq, i call him moose, who is a doctor hehe a really cool guy, he was admitted to the hospital two days ago and now he has been discharged alhamdulillah. he had an operation, a minor one but still anything that goes on in the hospital is a big thing for me. i have always wondered how it would be like to sleep in the hospital, i dont know, i think its the thing in me u know, that ive always wanted to become a doctor, so im curious to know how it feels to spend d night in the hospital. that would be a  new experience!

ohh im gonna watch Merlin now! have a date with collin and bradley in 5 minutes haha. i loveeee them!!! 
i havent gone crazy over celebrities like this in a while now and im enjoying it haha. oh brad.... oh collin.... 
at least it keeps me happy! and i dont miss my family too much, and my friends, theyre the best. May Allah bless them all always. 

Pray that ill be a good friend to them, a friend who is there to help them when they need it, a friend to be able to share their happiness and sorrow, a friend whom they can trust, because thats what they have shown to me, thats what they have given to me. all the new and my old friends, they are all wonderful in their own way.  
i hope each of them know that :)

okay2, im lateee for my date! haha Snowy is already ready, ok2 blogg with you soon dear diary. 


Wrapped up in my golden fleece...

Dear diary,

The things that happen in my life, they do happen for a reason. I am a strong believer of that. Allah always has a plan for me and I know He is watching me right now, writing this post haha. Ya Allah, forgive me for all my sins and pray that i will be a hamba to You who is grateful and redha with everything You kurniakan. Alhamdulillah ya Allah for everything despite the sadness that comes with it.

In life, you have to feel a bit of pain, or not you wont appreciate the peace and happiness that comes in the later part of the day.

I realized i have so much to do in life. I am running out of time to be honest. I going to turn 23 this year insyaAllah and its like half of life has passed. I have even made out a list, things to do before i go back and while i still live. There is so much to life that sometimes it makes me ponder why would anyone say that their life is boring? there is so much to it and if u look carefully, in each and every of the incident that happens, there is a mystery to it and you will never know what would happen and things would just happen out of the blue. in a way it is exciting, making life worth anticipating for, but in a way, it will drag u down, might even crush your soul, but hopefully it doesnt take your iman away.

because only with iman, you can find peace in the things that happen. coz you know Someone is looking after you and you would know what to do.

What are the things to do in life you may ask dear diary? Well, lets see shall we! (the things are not in order so things may just happen when it happens so yeah)

1) Graduate
2) go to jurassic coast with balqis (definitely gotta do that, hmm if i could bring my brother along that wud be so cool! )
3) write a book! and publish one!
4) Be close to Allah and rajinkan diri in that direction always ( wana do it istiqamah insyaAllah pray that im given the strength and patience to do it)
5) Go to Egypt, study/live there. ( oh btw, my mum seems to be making plans for me with the son of her friend who studies in egypt haha, ive met the guy, very handsome haha and so baik... but... hmm... too early to tell, but oh well, like i said, life is a mystery, we will never know what will happen!)
6) Go to Cambridge
7) Go to Turkey with Pain
8) Go umrah and haji

Hmm that is so far on what ive got, but insyaAllah things may add up later and hopefully i could do all of these things. this is my to-do-list and i wana make each of it count!

The night is so cold, i dont know why
all the smiles and laughter turns to sigh,
reflecting on life, on how it may be,
pondering on the veil of uncertainty,
now with each day,
it passes by and with virtue it says,
Go and live your day,
For there might not be another one like the one uve got today...

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Inspired !

Dear diary,
for years i have been trying to go on with my passion of getting to know more about the ancient civilization, hieroglyphs, the earth....all of that! i lovee reading about them and i love making more research about them, those are d kinds of things i would like to get involved it, those r the things i want to immerse myself in, God, you have no idea how it feels to be able to read hieroglyphs a bit, and i did, well sort of. ive been on the internet a lot and gotta know a bit about it but will make more effort for more insyaAllah. Alhamdulillah ya Allah, thank you for the passion, its so wonderful to have it.

I have one little girl to thank by the way for this. She has inspired me so much to go on with my passion. Have you ever felt like are you the one who is the odd one, or you would want to have someone who understands your passion and would work for it. it doesnt have to be d same passion, it cud be another but the effort is the effort you wanna put in in your area of interest. Her name is Balqis. She is amazing! She is sooo smart, so hardworking, soo... amazing, but dont tell her i said that haha.

in a way, she reminds me of myself when i was a kid. i was that motivated, i was that immersed in my own world, my studies, my reading, that alhamdulillah i was good in what i do. i remember when i was a kid, i had a stronger attitude, a more 'you do not mess with me' attitude, like... i know what im doing sort of thing. haha when i was a kid i remembered i was mengade. where did that little girl go? haha

well i know she is in me somewhere, her drive is still in me, it has just being shaped by the years of growing up thats all, and i wouldnt have wished growing up in another way, Alhamdulillah, i love the way the years Allah has given me. He has plans for me i know, and He has given me a chance to meet a wonderful girl like Balqis now, (its her birthday today btw) Happy Birthdayy Balqis hehe, alhamdulillah that u have been bornt. Perhaps you are the inspiration that i needed to go on being myself and love the work and passion i have in me and not to let it go. I pray that we would be great friends :)

mmm, i realized that i have wrote a lot on 'the guy' haha. Mmm let me just make it clear. I really really care for him. He is great haha but we are just close friends, and thats just the way it is. Alhamdulillah he is safely back home, and just remember he is just a close friend( tho it is hard to say so) haha. i just dont want things to get weird thats all. i dont want him to feel weird around me, thats more important.

Alright, imma gonna get ready for asar, listening to Nouman ali khan on surah an-nasr. He is a great speaker alhamdulillah. his videos are a great source for ilmu, tafseer and reminder of how important it is and how special the Quran is. Try to listen to him if u do come across it, i love reading on the tafseer of the surah, it makes us appreciate the surah in our solat, it gives a ..stronger impact on your solat insyaAllah, try it for yourself, you'll see hehe. okay2, im gonna go now.

May Allah bless us all insyaAllah... till next post, take care!