Sunday, October 27, 2013

if only...

Dear diary,

There isnt a day lately that I wished that he would reply to my texts saying that, 'It's okay, i understand why you did it..and im sorry too, for hurting you. I love you and I want us to be together'.
I honestly really wish that he would say that. I wish that he would come down to Ipoh and i dont care if he wants to give me a cold treatment or anything, i just want him in front of me. i want to see him. I miss him so bad that it hurts...

He is a good guy, despite everything that i think of him , but deep down i know he is. He just has his own way of doing things that makes people and even myself misinterprets him. He took care of me when he is near. He makes sure that im safe and that im taken care of when we travel. He never lets me be hungry and i miss the time that we would have meals together and how eating made us so happy.
And when we are far apart, he took care of me in the only way he knows how. In most eyes, even in mine, i see it as controlling but in truth, i know, he was just being protective. I am not saying this just because I am trying to defend the man I love, but it is after researching, reading and asking and talking to people about this, I can see it more clearly that he is only looking out after me.
Some may ask, so what about the other things? what do those things say? Well i dont have the answer to everything. But i do know this, that we loved each other...and we did see a future together. We even talked about it and honestly, it gave me a genuine sense of happiness knowing that i would be the girl, the woman in his life. I wanted to be no matter how scary at first it seemed to me. I wanted to be his girl. And i want him to be my man.

I know im putting a lot of expectations...but yea, i really do wish that he would say those things. I honestly pray that he would find it in his heart to take me back. We shared a love that is so deep that I was afraid of admitting it because i couldnt believe it was true. I couldnt believe that he would actually fall for me.
I never told anyone this but he did once broke the barrier and repeatedly told me that he loves me and ask me not to leave him. On the day that i left for malaysia, he texted me before the plane took off , and asked me to be loyal to him and to wait for him no matter what happens. I should see that he does love me but things started to be so hard after that and that i forgot my promise to him.

I dont want to blame myself, but i will only blame myself for actually making him believe that i left him. i even blame myself for pampering him while i could have been strict. if i was strict earlier, i wouldnt have let him allowed myself do things that i dont want. and he would know that. and perhaps both of us could have worked together.

i guess the only way for me to heal now is, that i shouldnt regret things that have happened. I should let it go. Allah had allowed it to happen for a reason and im not saying that if i could turn back time, i would take back my words, no. I am only saying that I wish that he would find it in his heart to forgive me and would take me back....and give our love another chance. Im praying that the love would bring us together again and if he is my jodoh, then insyaAllah Allah would pave the way, i have to believe in that.
And if not, then i am glad and happy to have known a man named Zaim whom in his presence i found myself to fall in love again and be happy.

But for now, i am allowing myself to feel sad for the fact that maybe my leaving had left him heartbroken too and makes it harder for him to accept love again and me. I can only pray that he too would im praying for mine....

holding on

Dear diary,

It has been quite some time after the event. It has been raining all the time in Ipoh and the situation is much like the weather. Grey, dim and wet....

Let me be honest with the aftermath of what happened...

The moment i broke myself free, i felt like i have stood up for myself and i have been wanting to do that for a very long time. I felt myself broken and i felt like my feelings were taken for granted. and when i broke myself free that day, i swore that i would try to find myself back. ive lost too much along the way...and i felt lost...and i couldnt live like that. i must also acknowledge the fact that i loved him. i loved him so much that it was so hard to think how could i ever do this to a man that i love? but i was losing myself and i felt angry all the time because i kept my feelings to myself and i should know better than to do that. i broke myself because i dont want to become the person i was becoming. i was angry, i was distant with everybody, friends and family...i was becoming someone that i dont know. i think negatively of the man that i love and i didnt like that one bit. I was a broken girl, emotionally that is and when i became free that day, i honestly felt good. I did think of him, how will it affect him , but i figured, if i stayed like this and pretend that everything was okay, i was hurting myself and im hurting him by being angry and negative all the time. i didnt want a relationship like that.

the time that i was free? how did i felt?
I was free and i set out to do the things that i wanted to do. Ive closen the distance between me and my friends. It is not completed yet , a lot of things needed patching up , but im trying my best. im trying to repair all the relationships that has been broken before. I felt good because i knew i was doing the right thing. but even all the while, i missed him. i tried to remove him completely because at that time, it felt as if i needed to do that. i was still angry that time and talking to him didnt seem like a good idea. so i kept my distance and i was repairing my life in every way it could be repaired. i missed him, everything about him, but i knew i had to do this for everybody's sake, especially for myself. i couldnt live the life that i lived before. i was ready to love and i was willing to give everything to him, but it doesnt mean that my life should be destroyed because of it. i dont know why i felt like it was destroyed. the whole time of this stage, i was thinking about the time we had together.

in my heart, i knew he loved me. i know we connected and i know although both of us are afraid of a heartbreak , we gave in to our feelings and we tried to be together. but i was confused with the way he treated me. i know he loves me and perhaps all the things he did was his way of showing his love. he kept me away from guys because he didnt want me to leave him. but he should know that that will never happen. i loved him so much, all his bad and all his good, how could i ever leave him? he was the best in his way, and i stopped looking for other guys the moment he came into my life. he was the only one and i change my ways a lot because i wanted to show him that. but he never saw that. or maybe he did, i dont know, but it left me hurt and confused why doesnt he believe me?
i kept thinking about us and i wished he believed everything that i did. and i guess he was hoping i would believe everything he did as well. he tried to show me too, but i didnt want to believe because i was afraid that it was all a life. what if he felt that way too? he was afraid i was lying as i was afraid that he was lying? both of us, were not ready to trust and in the end, ended up hurting each other.

i read that the greater the love, the greater the tragedy. i reflected that, alhamdulillah, i was given the chance to fall in love and to have experience a love so deep that each time i did, it became the biggest tragedy in my life. the time i was with miji, it left me broken as well , but i have loved with all my heart when i was with him. but it was not meant to the story ended there.

and then, it was him. i never thought i would fall for him. he was as strange as a man that i have never met before. he appears so strong in front of me, in front of others, but when we spend time with each other, i saw that he is most vulnerable with me. he shows it in a way that no one else could see. i saw a pain in his eyes that i wish i could push it away. i wanted to be the woman he wants in his life. i wanted to love and take care of him. i wanted him to know that i would love him passionately and endlessly if he just lets me.

i left him because i was hurt, and now all i could think about is wanting him back. i dont want him back because i miss him and because im lonely, but its because i cant help feeling that i belong beside him. i dont know how to describe that. i never felt this way before. it hurts so bad to know that you love a person, but you have hurt them and now they are moving away from you.

i dont know whether is he the one for me or not but all i know is i cant stand the fact that he is so close now, in malaysia but i cant make it right. why cant he come and see me? doesnt he want to patch things up? doesnt he want to convince me that things could be better? doesnt he love me?

part of me says, he loves me but he is afraid that he will face another heartbreak again. part of me says, i should just let time decide and see where things should go from here.

all im feeling now is i want to go to him and tell him im sorry and tell him i love him so much. he does mean the world to me, but it doesnt mean that he can do anything he likes with my feelings.

im just so sad at the moment. and i feel its okay to be sad now because i do love him and i didnt let myself be sad earlier because i was so busy feeling angry. and now that i may lose the love of the man that i love, i guess this is the time for me to allow myself to be sad....i feel sad that i have never felt before...i cant eat, its hard for me to sleep unless if i sleep accidentally because im tired. my spirits are so low that only Allah can make me happy. alhamdulillah my friends are around to keep me sane...but other than that, im like a girl who really feels as if she is losing the love of her life and i dont know how to wake up from this...

if only he knows just how much i love him...

Saturday, October 12, 2013

A new beginning

Dear diary,

How are you all doing? Alhamdulillah I am just fine right here and for now, 'fine' is more than alright. And 'fine' is just perfect at the moment.

Dear diary,
I have all the reason to be grateful even after what happened. Life is full of drama and drama teaches you things. That's why I wanted to do a thesis on drama one day because I believe that drama could bring out the best in people and if not that, drama is the key to a person's breakthrough to many great things. It could be a key to self-expression, to self-development, to being more than you could possibly imagine yourself to be. Of course it may sound exaggerating but I just believe drama can do many things. I hope I could prove that one day.

Anyway, what I really intended to say is that, I am grateful that things happen in my life. I can learn a lot and I am learning a lot.

I learnt that a girl needs to be strong wherever and whenever she is. She has got to be the girl of her own mind. She needs to have a principle. Life's principle, life's code. This is important because it could really take care of you and it makes you remember what are the things that you want to do and do not want to do. It does not let you go overboard or limit yourself, depends on the principle you constructed. But principles are important for a girl to live by to.

I have been watching my friends a lot lately, especially the strong ones. My, do I admire them...
They can just be strong as anything, they have their own principles, their code and their boyfriends love them for that.
That is another thing I learnt. If a guy loves you, they will love you for all of you and will trust you. They will respect you and will not treat you like crap. If the guy disagrees, things can be discussed. Fight is normal I learnt but too much is not good either. Alright, the point is, if a guy loves you, they will respect you, admire you, make you feel good about yourself, trust you and want you. So ladies, keep an open eye to these things aite?

My strong friends have such a character. They know what they want and they are very determined. It is this character that I must learnt. I cant be 'me' all the time because well, people may take advantage of that. I dont want that. I have my life and myself to take care of too. I am more than happy to devote myself to something or someone whom I know who will love me back and well does not make me feel bad.

There are so many things to learn in this life and I'll be open to them and see it if it is in front of my eyes.
Life is definitely too short to be angry and bitter all the time. I have to move on and keep moving on. If I happen to find love once again, then I'll pray my heart will be open to it and will not runaway from it.
I have always dreamt of finding my soulmate and true love. I have always wondered how it really works and how it really is. But one never really does know. We could formulate a lot of theories you know but in the end, it is still up to you and if things does not work out then we should not stop trying. The heart may be tired as I'm feeling that right now but it would be a shame to shut your heart out to everything just because one or two incidents have left you dead and dry.

Allah would want me to move on and make the best out of everything that is around me and insyaAllah that is exactly what I would do.

Alright dear diary, I will leave this post here then. Till next time, cheerio! Salam...