Who to marry?

Dear diary,
assalamualaikum :)
currently im listening to bbc coventry's radio but just turned it off cuz...well lets just say the music did not appeal to my ears. haha, i was trying to check it out since i am going to the radio's station next morning for a very educational trip with my fellow journalism coursemates. hope it will be a good trip and gain something beneficial in the end.

okay2, i know u must be wondering how i am right now.
alhamdulillah i couldnt express my gratitude more than saying alhamdulillah because it is because of Allah i am surviving right now.

Only to Allah, i put my trust to and only to Him, i wanna go to.

i am doing alright and i dont think it could be better than this at the moment.
i am still a single girl who still has feelings for the her ex, who is trying to move on but knows deep in her heart that she will always, always have something for him. i am still in contact him i have to admit. it was not like that before, but it just turned out that way. i wish, i wish we would not be in contact with each other although his presence makes me eat better, happier and delighted inside but i am afraid that it would not end well. i know one day, things are going to have to change. i dont know what are his motives of contacting me again. i should be stronger and push him aside but i couldnt, i am not that strong to push him away. i will try harder though to avoid contacting him and not be close to him like i used to. he has to know that things just wont work between us. we still have hope, yes. but the chances are very limited.

then there is this other guy named syafiqrul. he is a good man. he has got a very good background, good family, good education good job and a good personality. he claims to love me, but unfortunately i dont love him back. he is... he has the perfect package i might say and any other girl would just be happy to be with him because from my eyes, he could provide a girl with what she needs or wants. he could provide a good home, he could make that girl happy, a good secure life and all but i am not those any other girls. am i being ungrateful? i hope not. he just scares me at times. he wants me to love him as much as he loves me but how can i promise that. how could i do that while my feelings...while im just still sooo confused. he cant expect so much from me. i think thats why im scared. he expects me to be someone sooo good.while miji, he knows me how i am, my bad, my good and he's okay with it. this guy, he doesnt know.  i am seriously just trying to be honest with myself. i dont know what i want. right now, i am not feeling anything for this guy. he's great but ......sigh....in a way, i am making this guy suffer, he really wants me to say yes. he proposed to me you know,he wanted me to give him a chance for him to prove himself. whats wrong with me? why do i keep rejecting good proposals.

first it was a proposal from the uztaz then syafiq. both, are good honourable men but my heart was feeling insecure for them although they could provide me security whereas miji, the element of security is my heart and feelings for him but economically, no.

right now, i just want to be close to my creator. He has been faithful,loyal, and forever there. He has always listened to me, knows me inside out and knows what is best for me. im putting my trust in Him. i dont want another painful relationship that was deviating in so many ways. it keep me far from the path of righteousness and i was blind. forgive me ya Allah for all my past and current sins. i will try to be a better hamba for You ya Allah. Be close to me, be near me and please dont give up on me and dont ever let me give up on You, nauzubillah....

well okay, thats all for now, Hope that He will bless me with someone that when i see him, its gonna strike me lightning and thats how he would see me as well. amin...

starting a new life

dear diary,

let me update u on the latest news of my life.

1. i am single. i broke up with miji about a month ago. still not completely over it. still crying in the middle of the night. gosh, why did i let myself get hurt like this. well, love is pain and it involves a bit of drama. what can i say? life is a stage and we are all players. i bet shakespeare had to go through a love moment in his life for him to come up with that phrase :p

2. need to do a lot of catching up in my life. studies..and whatever. that i leave it up to my mood. main aim right now: surviving.

3. trying to think positive. i may appear as the optimistic kinda of gal but i can sometimes be indulged in negative thoughts. oh dear, they are truly negative. forgive me ya Allah, im trying my best to be as positive and trust in Your judgement. i am truly trying.

miji is doing a fantastic job in moving on. the latest news i heard was that he is trying to find another. good for him. he deserves to be married now. gosh, i wonder how it would be like when he is already married and if i get to see him again one day, with a wife that is not me, and children who are not from my womb....how do i react to that???

i should be happy for him which i am. i want him to be happy. although we cant be together, but knowing that if we are together, both of us will get hurt...hurt with each other or hurt by the people around you...at least, if he is far away...he would be safe from the criticism of the society around me, at least he can live his life freely as he wishes to without trying so hard to fit in the world he is not accustomed to.

i am not a princess and he is no ordinary commoner. we are both from the same world, differ only slightly in educational background, states and perhaps, mentality. status? not really different, we are both peasants. i am no royalty, but if i am, i would just want to marry whoever my heart chooses.

i love him. i do. i pray he knows that. the thing is, if this, my love scenario happens in movies, people would go swooning and say, how sweet and how romantic, how lovely. but when it happens in real life, they say, its just not gonna work, its silly, its risky...its just not gonna happen. the hypocrasy of it all. come on! you want to believe it could happen in d real life but humans are sceptical and afraid of something magical to happen. well there is wonder n magic around us. there is nothing wrong in believing a bit of wonder exist in our life coz it does. Allah's wonder is everywhere, since the beginning of time until now.

right now, i want to believe in the power of Healing. time heals, prayer heals, Allah heals. pray that id be strong to move on and he too as well. if we are meant to be together, we would. if not, then we are not. gotta sleep now, gotta wake up early because tmrw, im going to birm to celebrate a friend's birthday. so ill see you again.

assalamualaikum....