Who to marry?

Dear diary,
assalamualaikum :)
currently im listening to bbc coventry's radio but just turned it off cuz...well lets just say the music did not appeal to my ears. haha, i was trying to check it out since i am going to the radio's station next morning for a very educational trip with my fellow journalism coursemates. hope it will be a good trip and gain something beneficial in the end.

okay2, i know u must be wondering how i am right now.
alhamdulillah i couldnt express my gratitude more than saying alhamdulillah because it is because of Allah i am surviving right now.

Only to Allah, i put my trust to and only to Him, i wanna go to.

i am doing alright and i dont think it could be better than this at the moment.
i am still a single girl who still has feelings for the her ex, who is trying to move on but knows deep in her heart that she will always, always have something for him. i am still in contact him i have to admit. it was not like that before, but it just turned out that way. i wish, i wish we would not be in contact with each other although his presence makes me eat better, happier and delighted inside but i am afraid that it would not end well. i know one day, things are going to have to change. i dont know what are his motives of contacting me again. i should be stronger and push him aside but i couldnt, i am not that strong to push him away. i will try harder though to avoid contacting him and not be close to him like i used to. he has to know that things just wont work between us. we still have hope, yes. but the chances are very limited.

then there is this other guy named syafiqrul. he is a good man. he has got a very good background, good family, good education good job and a good personality. he claims to love me, but unfortunately i dont love him back. he is... he has the perfect package i might say and any other girl would just be happy to be with him because from my eyes, he could provide a girl with what she needs or wants. he could provide a good home, he could make that girl happy, a good secure life and all but i am not those any other girls. am i being ungrateful? i hope not. he just scares me at times. he wants me to love him as much as he loves me but how can i promise that. how could i do that while my feelings...while im just still sooo confused. he cant expect so much from me. i think thats why im scared. he expects me to be someone sooo good.while miji, he knows me how i am, my bad, my good and he's okay with it. this guy, he doesnt know.  i am seriously just trying to be honest with myself. i dont know what i want. right now, i am not feeling anything for this guy. he's great but ......sigh....in a way, i am making this guy suffer, he really wants me to say yes. he proposed to me you know,he wanted me to give him a chance for him to prove himself. whats wrong with me? why do i keep rejecting good proposals.

first it was a proposal from the uztaz then syafiq. both, are good honourable men but my heart was feeling insecure for them although they could provide me security whereas miji, the element of security is my heart and feelings for him but economically, no.

right now, i just want to be close to my creator. He has been faithful,loyal, and forever there. He has always listened to me, knows me inside out and knows what is best for me. im putting my trust in Him. i dont want another painful relationship that was deviating in so many ways. it keep me far from the path of righteousness and i was blind. forgive me ya Allah for all my past and current sins. i will try to be a better hamba for You ya Allah. Be close to me, be near me and please dont give up on me and dont ever let me give up on You, nauzubillah....

well okay, thats all for now, Hope that He will bless me with someone that when i see him, its gonna strike me lightning and thats how he would see me as well. amin...