holding on

Dear diary,

It has been quite some time after the event. It has been raining all the time in Ipoh and the situation is much like the weather. Grey, dim and wet....

Let me be honest with the aftermath of what happened...

The moment i broke myself free, i felt like i have stood up for myself and i have been wanting to do that for a very long time. I felt myself broken and i felt like my feelings were taken for granted. and when i broke myself free that day, i swore that i would try to find myself back. ive lost too much along the way...and i felt lost...and i couldnt live like that. i must also acknowledge the fact that i loved him. i loved him so much that it was so hard to think how could i ever do this to a man that i love? but i was losing myself and i felt angry all the time because i kept my feelings to myself and i should know better than to do that. i broke myself because i dont want to become the person i was becoming. i was angry, i was distant with everybody, friends and family...i was becoming someone that i dont know. i think negatively of the man that i love and i didnt like that one bit. I was a broken girl, emotionally that is and when i became free that day, i honestly felt good. I did think of him, how will it affect him , but i figured, if i stayed like this and pretend that everything was okay, i was hurting myself and im hurting him by being angry and negative all the time. i didnt want a relationship like that.

the time that i was free? how did i felt?
I was free and i set out to do the things that i wanted to do. Ive closen the distance between me and my friends. It is not completed yet , a lot of things needed patching up , but im trying my best. im trying to repair all the relationships that has been broken before. I felt good because i knew i was doing the right thing. but even all the while, i missed him. i tried to remove him completely because at that time, it felt as if i needed to do that. i was still angry that time and talking to him didnt seem like a good idea. so i kept my distance and i was repairing my life in every way it could be repaired. i missed him, everything about him, but i knew i had to do this for everybody's sake, especially for myself. i couldnt live the life that i lived before. i was ready to love and i was willing to give everything to him, but it doesnt mean that my life should be destroyed because of it. i dont know why i felt like it was destroyed. the whole time of this stage, i was thinking about the time we had together.

in my heart, i knew he loved me. i know we connected and i know although both of us are afraid of a heartbreak , we gave in to our feelings and we tried to be together. but i was confused with the way he treated me. i know he loves me and perhaps all the things he did was his way of showing his love. he kept me away from guys because he didnt want me to leave him. but he should know that that will never happen. i loved him so much, all his bad and all his good, how could i ever leave him? he was the best in his way, and i stopped looking for other guys the moment he came into my life. he was the only one and i change my ways a lot because i wanted to show him that. but he never saw that. or maybe he did, i dont know, but it left me hurt and confused why doesnt he believe me?
i kept thinking about us and i wished he believed everything that i did. and i guess he was hoping i would believe everything he did as well. he tried to show me too, but i didnt want to believe because i was afraid that it was all a life. what if he felt that way too? he was afraid i was lying as i was afraid that he was lying? both of us, were not ready to trust and in the end, ended up hurting each other.

i read that the greater the love, the greater the tragedy. i reflected that, alhamdulillah, i was given the chance to fall in love and to have experience a love so deep that each time i did, it became the biggest tragedy in my life. the time i was with miji, it left me broken as well , but i have loved with all my heart when i was with him. but it was not meant to be...so the story ended there.

and then, it was him. i never thought i would fall for him. he was as strange as a man that i have never met before. he appears so strong in front of me, in front of others, but when we spend time with each other, i saw that he is most vulnerable with me. he shows it in a way that no one else could see. i saw a pain in his eyes that i wish i could push it away. i wanted to be the woman he wants in his life. i wanted to love and take care of him. i wanted him to know that i would love him passionately and endlessly if he just lets me.

i left him because i was hurt, and now all i could think about is wanting him back. i dont want him back because i miss him and because im lonely, but its because i cant help feeling that i belong beside him. i dont know how to describe that. i never felt this way before. it hurts so bad to know that you love a person, but you have hurt them and now they are moving away from you.

i dont know whether is he the one for me or not but all i know is i cant stand the fact that he is so close now, in malaysia but i cant make it right. why cant he come and see me? doesnt he want to patch things up? doesnt he want to convince me that things could be better? doesnt he love me?

part of me says, he loves me but he is afraid that he will face another heartbreak again. part of me says, i should just let time decide and see where things should go from here.

all im feeling now is i want to go to him and tell him im sorry and tell him i love him so much. he does mean the world to me, but it doesnt mean that he can do anything he likes with my feelings.

im just so sad at the moment. and i feel its okay to be sad now because i do love him and i didnt let myself be sad earlier because i was so busy feeling angry. and now that i may lose the love of the man that i love, i guess this is the time for me to allow myself to be sad....i feel sad that i have never felt before...i cant eat, its hard for me to sleep unless if i sleep accidentally because im tired. my spirits are so low that only Allah can make me happy. alhamdulillah my friends are around to keep me sane...but other than that, im like a girl who really feels as if she is losing the love of her life and i dont know how to wake up from this...

if only he knows just how much i love him...