Friday, July 30, 2010

the World of love when it crumbles down...

dear diary,
for the past couple of weeks, my love life is turning up into smokes...pooof! i never thought it would be like this.
everybody says, life has its ups and downs, but they never say that when you're down, your heart will be wrenched out really bad and you will feel all the pain in the world...i havent broken up with miji if thats what crossed your mind, we're still togther but the thing is, acting different now. he says he has a lot of problems. i told him, i'm here if he wants to share...but he insists that these problems is better off me not knowing them. each time i asked him about it, he would get pissed off and angry, and both of us will get hurt because both of us are not satisfied with one another.
i get it if he does not want to share it with me, i will not force him to. but if the problems are starting to affect our love life, i think i should do something.
since he's having his problems, he calls me less, each time i call, he doesnt pick up, and he never feels guilty when he doesnt pick it up or not letting me know how he is, because to him, its better that he faces the problems alone rather than talk it with me....
if thats the case, what am i doing here? whats the use of having someone you love who knows you and is there for you, if you cant tell your problems. from the way i see it, he's hurting himself. he's letting himself getting hurt keeping all the problems to himself.
i'm hurting too...each night, the tendency for me to cry is high...he's always on my mind, and when im in love, i would give my heart and soul to it. i devote myself to it, thats why im hurting so much on the inside. he has a problem and i couldnt do anything to help. he gets mad at me, he's emotional for reasons i couldnt understand. the best thing for me to do is, leave him alone. we're still together but we no longer talk like we used to. i dont know him anymore...he keeps telling me that ive changed but he doesnt realize he has changed too. he used to be a passionate lover, a very good friend, my best friend, we tell each other stories and it was endless....but now, he's keeping something from me and our relationship is affected. he asked me to be patient with him more than usual. but how could i? ive tried...and im still trying but dont you know miji, that you are hurting me really bad. i wish you could read this. but sadly you dont.
every minute i thought of you, my fingers are just tingling to call you, but im afraid, for three reasons: 1. you wont answer my calls no matter how many times i call you 2. you will get mad at me if i say something wrong 3. you will hurt me by saying you dont want to talk anymore because you have nothing more to say( which never happens before because you always have something to say).
you say im important, but you dont show it. you make me feel like im a burden. im someone disturbing your life. instead of me becoming the shoulder you can cry on, im a burden to be added. you wont explain to me whats going on and yet you expect me to understand your situation. i may be a dumb person for not being able to simply understand that you want me to be patient for a while. but how long is a while miji? according to my dictionary, it doesnt last for almost two weeks now.
i figured its best for me not to call you or text you for now. ive told you before, im here if you need me. just..dont do this till the very last day im leaving this country. im going for 3 years, thats not a short time. you dont have internet connection no computer, no easy to contact me. we agreed on letters and i ve no problem with that. i love you and may that love lasts till the end. i will try my very best to take care of your heart and i hope you would do the same for me...

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