Not the same....

Dear diary,

it is almost 4 am in the morning and im unable to sleep.... just been doing some work and well, catching up on some stuff.

dear diary, i just have to say this.... that things are just not the same anymore. What things? Well lets just put it this way:

what used to be together, it is not anymore.
there is nothing much i can say, tho i can say lots.

sometimes things are done because it is necessary for it to do so,
so that one would not feel awkward of the other.

i miss it, thats all im saying, i miss it.
who knows how much time there is left for me in this,
but till the time comes
i pray i will leave with memories
that will last for a lifetime...
insyaAllah....

Ohhh Noo!

Dear diaryyyy, i just had a panic attack when i was doing my reading on discourse analysis and identity. i was reading about how each person has an identity and identity evolves in time. and the more you interact with people, the more it shapes you. so, to form an identity, it is very good to go mixing with people, provided you do not lose yourself completely while interacting.

you have to have a bit of yourself in it. its just interaction influences a big part of shaping who you are and the identities you hold. a person can have more than one identity. you can be a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a best friend *and this is where my panic attack happens (im not anybody's girlfriend atm!!!)

hahahahah it didnt really bother me before but ... well i went to card factory with tia today and she was buying a card for her fiance. its such a sweet gesture. she is so in love and her fiance is coming to warwick this friday and they will get to meet up. i am so happy for her, im imagining if im in her place, i would be on top of the world being able to meet the one i love after a long time not seeing each other. i realized when i was looking all through the beautiful crafted cards in the shop that i realize i dont have anyone to give it to. dear diary, this is the first year of me, of really not having a guy to give a love card to. plus, it is approaching valentine's day, so the feeling is greater. i do not celebrate valentines day. the celebration of love should be everyday shouldnt it?

 but it has been a while since i did not spend through it alone. last year, in the early years, miji was still there and well, the love was there haha. i dont remember whether i sent him a card or anything at that time. it was a rocky moment for us at that time i believe. we were not in good terms, but despite that, i still had feelings for him and so, the 'celebration of love' was sort of there. but this year, i realize, i couldnt give anyone those lovely beautiful cards.

 and u know what, the person that i thought who would not give her heart to anyone in this near future is head over heels with someone and she just completely lost it. given if the guy consents, or reacted positively to her affections, i swear there would be a marriage soon!!! haha she is so gonna get it from me, this is not supposed to happen until she turns 30-quoting her-. but im happy for her really. just by looking at her swooning at the guy, omggg.... i lost her, she is not someone i knew all these years hahaha... that guy has got to go through me first. need to interview him first and see if he is right for her then things can get down to business. how dare he takes her away from me :p haha

 okay2, so yea thats the realization i had while i was doing my reading haha. its gonna be a weird moment for me, not having anyone at the moment. but in a way, its a blessing too. i am grateful, dont get me wrong, of the situation that i am in right now. Alhamdulillah, it is a way for me to find myself and i am discovering bits n pieces of me back and it feels good.

 i think it is just the panic talking when u discover what u dont have, while others are cherishing in the arms of their loved ones. i pray that they will cherish their loved ones with all their hearts while they still can. those moments are truly fragile.they can dissapear in an instant. i honestly dont know who will i be with in the future. its so mysterious...but i guess thats where we need to keep believing that Allah has instore for me something that will be good for me in His eyes. InsyaAllah i will go on this journey and praying and hoping that things will work out at its best. ;)

Kiss me

Dear diary,
This is a song by Ed Sheeran 'Kiss Me' and it is such a lovely song. Beautiful words, the melody, it just lets u sing out the emotion u have in you. Well hope you can feel the effect too haha... here are the words....
Kiss me....

Settle down with me 

Cover me up

cuddle me in 

lie down with me 

and hold me in your arms

and your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck,

im falling for your eyes but they dont know me yet,

(*this is my favourite line in the song)

and with a feeling i'll forget, 

i'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved

you wanna be loved

you wanna be loved

this feels like falling in love

falling in love

we're falling in love

settle down with me 

and i'll be your safety, you'll be my lady 

i was made to keep your body warm

but i'm cold as the as the wind blows, so hold me in your arms

yeah ive been feeling everything

from hate to love

from love to lust

from lust to truth

i guess thats how i know you

so i hold you close to help you give it up

Snow in Coventry!

Dear diary,
Assalamualaikum and a very good morning to you dear diary and hey its snowing! Woke up, and i heard didi  saying that she wants to go early to class today because she wanted to get a few shots outside and i thought maybe because its snowing outside and yea it did! Alhamdulillah.... such a beautiful scenery and a lovely view to wake up to.

Hmm ive got two classess today, and ...im going out in the evening... but i hope i do have time to watch Merlin before i go out hahaha.... that should not be the main thing to do everyday but ... i couldnt help it! Haha

Ohh Balqis came over last night and it was supposedly a study session and it was dont worry, i did not tempt her to watch Merlin or anything last night. She tempted me! haha... but it was only for a while, and then we study, we studied chemistry yesterday, that was so much fun, i miss chemistry,i miss science!! she was trying to indoctrinate k-pop to me, but i said, no... not k-pop... u cant make me! i can like a few songs, but  no, u cant spread k-pop to me, aint gonna happen! hehe

but it was really fun, i hope she can come again and we can hang more! and i hope i am a good influence to her haha better set a good example! i must always remember that!

But the thing is dear diary, i learn so much from them...
'them' i meant, the younger people around me.... normally yes, people say you should hang out with someone older or your own age, but ... the thing is, its so much fun to hang out with people who are younger! its not just about the age, i thiink its the spirit, the spirit of youth! you can be as old as 50 but if you have a young spirit, life is as adventurous and mysterious as it always is.

they can teach you things and make you see life in their own way and it is a peculiar thing to be involved in. and in another way, it has that innocence about the things they do. they do it is not because there is a hidden agenda or anything, but its just because they want to and its what they believe in, and its sorta innocent. its like, you dont have to care about what other people think about you, you just do it! this is your life, and you live it the way you want it too... of course we have to consider others as well, im not naive haha, but yeah,if you could balance that, that would be cool.... the point is, you can learn a lot from them and thats why i love to hang with my brothers.... the youngest, he can teach me so many things...he surprises me at times with the things he does and thinks, and my second, he surprises me even more, and he is even more mature than me Sometimes and he likes to think that he is the big brother, cuz he is bigger, but noo... not a chance amir, i am still the big sister! haha... he better remember that!

i guess what they have taught me is that, live life simply, and you would see the wonder around you... they didnt say this to me, but it is what i realized when i hang out with them, i miss them, i really do. May Allah panjangkan our jodoh and i can still meet them when i get back, amin. the things i realize when i hang with people younger than me.

ohh i remember one saying, a good friend of mine always says this, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonades out of em haha, and yup that sort of summarises that you make full use of the things that are given to you in this life, live life to the fullest and if there is a room to make things easy, you take it, dont make life harder haha *this is referring to a shopping incident, i could just easily bring a trolley bag or something because apparently i shopped a lot that day, and i just make life harder by trying to carry it all, but luckily he was there and helped me out haha and even to that, i said no, so.. the moral of the story, when things can be helped out, you let it, as long as not troubling people so much but i think i kinda did, haha so gotta make sure i dont do that again, so yeah, definitely gotta bring a trolley bag haha

Okay, back to youthful spirit, and yeah, my mother for example, she can be so motherly *of course haha, she is the most responsible person ive known, and i know i can count on her for anything, anythinggg alhamdulillah, she knows what to do! but the thing about my mum is, she has such a young spirit! she would try to know the latest thing about the current generation and she would just wana hang with me and my brothers, getting to know the current songs and put it on her phone and she is just so cool that way.
i can see her youth especially if she is around her older sisters, my aunts. she is the youngest of them all and it shows when we all gather. she is just bubbly and jolly in her own way and i couldnt help but smile when i see her that way. May Allah bless her always amin....

so yeah, thats the thing about youthful spirit! it keeps you going! it makes life interesting. you would see that in each things around us, has wonder! if you see that, then you would wana live your life to the fullest and you can find joy in the simplest thing around you, for example... typing on your laptop right now, in the early morning and feeling like a writer trying to finish up her new book haha.... that would so cool though if it were true.... gonna have my own book one day insyaAllah... i have the content in  my head, its just i gotta get to work!

ooopss i gotta go! seee yaaa laterr.... salam dear diary..... *let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.....

Still wrapped up in my golden fleece....

Dear diary, 

I havent worked for so long.... mmmm because there are too many other things to do in my life! i just couldnt find the time haha Alhamdulillah  but gotta start soon.... but i just honestly wana focus on my studies now...

missing my brothers... cant wait to hang out with them soon when i get back. my time in the uk is almost coming to an end, i do want to make d most of it insyaAllah.... but i do miss my brothers so, justin biebers songs are gonna be on my playlist for a while haha

ohh my friend, musaddiq, i call him moose, who is a doctor hehe a really cool guy, he was admitted to the hospital two days ago and now he has been discharged alhamdulillah. he had an operation, a minor one but still anything that goes on in the hospital is a big thing for me. i have always wondered how it would be like to sleep in the hospital, i dont know, i think its the thing in me u know, that ive always wanted to become a doctor, so im curious to know how it feels to spend d night in the hospital. that would be a  new experience!

ohh im gonna watch Merlin now! have a date with collin and bradley in 5 minutes haha. i loveeee them!!! 

i havent gone crazy over celebrities like this in a while now and im enjoying it haha. oh brad.... oh collin.... 

at least it keeps me happy! and i dont miss my family too much, and my friends, theyre the best. May Allah bless them all always. 

Pray that ill be a good friend to them, a friend who is there to help them when they need it, a friend to be able to share their happiness and sorrow, a friend whom they can trust, because thats what they have shown to me, thats what they have given to me. all the new and my old friends, they are all wonderful in their own way.  

i hope each of them know that :)

okay2, im lateee for my date! haha Snowy is already ready, ok2 blogg with you soon dear diary. 

Night....

Wrapped up in my golden fleece...

Dear diary,

The things that happen in my life, they do happen for a reason. I am a strong believer of that. Allah always has a plan for me and I know He is watching me right now, writing this post haha. Ya Allah, forgive me for all my sins and pray that i will be a hamba to You who is grateful and redha with everything You kurniakan. Alhamdulillah ya Allah for everything despite the sadness that comes with it.

In life, you have to feel a bit of pain, or not you wont appreciate the peace and happiness that comes in the later part of the day.

I realized i have so much to do in life. I am running out of time to be honest. I going to turn 23 this year insyaAllah and its like half of life has passed. I have even made out a list, things to do before i go back and while i still live. There is so much to life that sometimes it makes me ponder why would anyone say that their life is boring? there is so much to it and if u look carefully, in each and every of the incident that happens, there is a mystery to it and you will never know what would happen and things would just happen out of the blue. in a way it is exciting, making life worth anticipating for, but in a way, it will drag u down, might even crush your soul, but hopefully it doesnt take your iman away.

because only with iman, you can find peace in the things that happen. coz you know Someone is looking after you and you would know what to do.

What are the things to do in life you may ask dear diary? Well, lets see shall we! (the things are not in order so things may just happen when it happens so yeah)

1) Graduate
2) go to jurassic coast with balqis (definitely gotta do that, hmm if i could bring my brother along that wud be so cool! )
3) write a book! and publish one!
4) Be close to Allah and rajinkan diri in that direction always ( wana do it istiqamah insyaAllah pray that im given the strength and patience to do it)
5) Go to Egypt, study/live there. ( oh btw, my mum seems to be making plans for me with the son of her friend who studies in egypt haha, ive met the guy, very handsome haha and so baik... but... hmm... too early to tell, but oh well, like i said, life is a mystery, we will never know what will happen!)
6) Go to Cambridge
7) Go to Turkey with Pain
8) Go umrah and haji

Hmm that is so far on what ive got, but insyaAllah things may add up later and hopefully i could do all of these things. this is my to-do-list and i wana make each of it count!

The night is so cold, i dont know why
all the smiles and laughter turns to sigh,
reflecting on life, on how it may be,
pondering on the veil of uncertainty,
now with each day,
it passes by and with virtue it says,
Go and live your day,
For there might not be another one like the one uve got today...

Inspired !

Dear diary,
for years i have been trying to go on with my passion of getting to know more about the ancient civilization, hieroglyphs, the earth....all of that! i lovee reading about them and i love making more research about them, those are d kinds of things i would like to get involved it, those r the things i want to immerse myself in, God, you have no idea how it feels to be able to read hieroglyphs a bit, and i did, well sort of. ive been on the internet a lot and gotta know a bit about it but will make more effort for more insyaAllah. Alhamdulillah ya Allah, thank you for the passion, its so wonderful to have it.

I have one little girl to thank by the way for this. She has inspired me so much to go on with my passion. Have you ever felt like are you the one who is the odd one, or you would want to have someone who understands your passion and would work for it. it doesnt have to be d same passion, it cud be another but the effort is the effort you wanna put in in your area of interest. Her name is Balqis. She is amazing! She is sooo smart, so hardworking, soo... amazing, but dont tell her i said that haha.

in a way, she reminds me of myself when i was a kid. i was that motivated, i was that immersed in my own world, my studies, my reading, that alhamdulillah i was good in what i do. i remember when i was a kid, i had a stronger attitude, a more 'you do not mess with me' attitude, like... i know what im doing sort of thing. haha when i was a kid i remembered i was mengade. where did that little girl go? haha

well i know she is in me somewhere, her drive is still in me, it has just being shaped by the years of growing up thats all, and i wouldnt have wished growing up in another way, Alhamdulillah, i love the way the years Allah has given me. He has plans for me i know, and He has given me a chance to meet a wonderful girl like Balqis now, (its her birthday today btw) Happy Birthdayy Balqis hehe, alhamdulillah that u have been bornt. Perhaps you are the inspiration that i needed to go on being myself and love the work and passion i have in me and not to let it go. I pray that we would be great friends :)

mmm, i realized that i have wrote a lot on 'the guy' haha. Mmm let me just make it clear. I really really care for him. He is great haha but we are just close friends, and thats just the way it is. Alhamdulillah he is safely back home, and just remember he is just a close friend( tho it is hard to say so) haha. i just dont want things to get weird thats all. i dont want him to feel weird around me, thats more important.

Alright, imma gonna get ready for asar, listening to Nouman ali khan on surah an-nasr. He is a great speaker alhamdulillah. his videos are a great source for ilmu, tafseer and reminder of how important it is and how special the Quran is. Try to listen to him if u do come across it, i love reading on the tafseer of the surah, it makes us appreciate the surah in our solat, it gives a ..stronger impact on your solat insyaAllah, try it for yourself, you'll see hehe. okay2, im gonna go now.

May Allah bless us all insyaAllah... till next post, take care!