Dear diaryyyy, i just had a panic attack when i was doing my reading on discourse analysis and identity. i was reading about how each person has an identity and identity evolves in time. and the more you interact with people, the more it shapes you. so, to form an identity, it is very good to go mixing with people, provided you do not lose yourself completely while interacting.
you have to have a bit of yourself in it. its just interaction influences a big part of shaping who you are and the identities you hold.
a person can have more than one identity. you can be a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a best friend *and this is where my panic attack happens (im not anybody's girlfriend atm!!!)
it didnt really bother me before but ... well i went to card factory with tia today and she was buying a card for her fiance. its such a sweet gesture. she is so in love and her fiance is coming to warwick this friday and they will get to meet up. i am so happy for her, im imagining if im in her place, i would be on top of the world being able to meet the one i love after a long time not seeing each other.
i realized when i was looking all through the beautiful crafted cards in the shop that i realize i dont have anyone to give it to.
dear diary, this is the first year of me, of really not having a guy to give a love card to. plus, it is approaching valentine's day, so the feeling is greater.
i do not celebrate valentines day. the celebration of love should be everyday shouldnt it?
but it has been a while since i did not spend through it alone. last year, in the early years, miji was still there and well, the love was there haha. i dont remember whether i sent him a card or anything at that time. it was a rocky moment for us at that time i believe. we were not in good terms, but despite that, i still had feelings for him and so, the 'celebration of love' was sort of there.
but this year, i realize, i couldnt give anyone those lovely beautiful cards.
and u know what, the person that i thought who would not give her heart to anyone in this near future is head over heels with someone and she just completely lost it. given if the guy consents, or reacted positively to her affections, i swear there would be a marriage soon!!! haha she is so gonna get it from me, this is not supposed to happen until she turns 30-quoting her-. but im happy for her really. just by looking at her swooning at the guy, omggg.... i lost her, she is not someone i knew all these years hahaha... that guy has got to go through me first. need to interview him first and see if he is right for her then things can get down to business. how dare he takes her away from me :p haha
okay2, so yea thats the realization i had while i was doing my reading haha. its gonna be a weird moment for me, not having anyone at the moment. but in a way, its a blessing too. i am grateful, dont get me wrong, of the situation that i am in right now. Alhamdulillah, it is a way for me to find myself and i am discovering bits n pieces of me back and it feels good.
i think it is just the panic talking when u discover what u dont have, while others are cherishing in the arms of their loved ones. i pray that they will cherish their loved ones with all their hearts while they still can. those moments are truly fragile.they can dissapear in an instant.
i honestly dont know who will i be with in the future. its so mysterious...but i guess thats where we need to keep believing that Allah has instore for me something that will be good for me in His eyes. InsyaAllah i will go on this journey and praying and hoping that things will work out at its best. ;)