Ya Allah ya rahman ya rahim, ampunkanlah dosa2 hambamu ini ya Allah... sesungguhnya your hamba telah byk membuat dosa, and all that she's hoping for is for You to forgive her and give her a chance to change and become a better person....
Ya Allah, You have given me that chance since a long time ago... Alhamdulillah You have never deprive me of that chance and i am trying my very best not to waste it... Ya Allah, You have given me so much in my life, all the nikmat You have given and all kinds of love im able to feel.... Alhamdulillah ya Allah and i pray i would always be on Your path and work towards in gaining Your love and rahmat...
Tonight, ya Rabb, i have... let down a person whom im starting to have feelings for... You have sent him into my life ya Allah, a reason ive wondered why, but as time passes, i got to know why... he makes me think, he is able to sedarkan myself from thinking that i cant take everything lightly, people are different and i should not expect people to think the same way that i do... thats what i learnt from him and it is a valuable lesson that perhaps pushes me to move forward and i pray that i do.
You have seen me grown up ya Allah and You know me, inside and out, better than i would know myself... You know how i am like and of course, Engkau Maha Mengetahui, You would know how this guy makes me feel.
I love him ya Allah, i do... i would never ever would want to hurt him but i did. I honestly wish that this is a nightmare and i would wake up anytime soon and hope that all of this never happened, wishing that i have never ever hurt him. He has a good heart, no matter how stubborn or annoying he can be... but he has a good heart. Any girl would have been so blessed to have him as her husband. He can be a good husband, i can see that. He is strong, principled and he is not afraid to do the right thing or say the right thing no matter how different it may seem but he has his own way of making a point and thats what i love about him, he is crazy but good crazy.... he makes me happy, makes me playful, but at the same time, he makes me responsible, and asks me to think on another level, asks me to be a grown up in my decisions and that everything has a consequence.
i do realize that things have consequences... i have lived with regret all my life but Allah says 'la tahzan' dont be sad, He is ever Merciful, ever forgiving and honestly it is only because of You ya Allah, i am still able to smile and live life as anyone else. Allah says to not ever give up on His rahmat or nikmat because it is everywhere around us..... i have a past, but i wish n hope to move on and dear Allah, help me to move on... help me to become better and thank You for granting me, blessing me with this one guy, who actually pushes and makes me wana be better. I dont know what he will think of me now, i just pray that he would still see me as the Sarah that he knows before.... because i am still that Sarah, i am still that girl regardless of anything and honestly, really, i do want to become better.
Ya Allah please give us the strength to live life as You would have wanted, to balance our life on earth and also the hereafter.... dont leave me, and dont give up on me ya Allah, and dont ever let me give up on You... let him be safe, take care of him and grant him peace and Your loving ya rahman...
I cant sleep, perhaps ill wait for subuh... tomorrow, i hope my eyes dont give away how much i havent slept and cried... i havent seen siti or allyanne for a very long time, even adam n faiz...could u believe that i havent texted anyone and i have been so couped up in my room for many days that my friends are starting to think that im a vampire! i think siti is mad at me, and i hope to make it up to her tomorrow. its not gonna be easy tmrw,with me thinking about all this. i wish i could change it but i cant and it is not good to say that right, i wish i wish i could change because in some way, somehow, things do happen for a reason, perhaps this is my reminder, a reminder that i should be wary of my actions, a reminder for both of us to be careful in falling in love. i can love him with all my heart, really i can... i am willing to not spend time with the usual gang im with just because of him... but this one thing happened and i cant take it back and so, i would have to go on with life from there.
it would be ... a miracle if one day, he is able to see me as just me, that he is able to see past my actions, my past and just see me and would love me as me regardless of what ive done. it would be a dream, a miracle, a blessing..... that is a lot to hope for, but there is no limit to what you can ask from our Creator, and He expects us to ask from Him and ask Him i shall.... alright, i think i better make a move....my eyes are tired, but my heart still wants to fight and prove to him that things can be alright.... i dont know what to do, i pray that He would shine the way and guide me to what i should do... ok dear diary, i shall take my leave.
signed ,
-the saddest of my ife-
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