Saturday, December 12, 2009

What I feel right now....

dear feelin' it,

I could not describe more than what I could feel at this moment. I have to tell you, that my cousin just died this morning. He drowned. It was all very so sudden. He dropped by yesterday evening while dropping off his wife at an interview centre near our house. I can't imagine what his wife might be feeling right now. They just got married and plus, she's pregnant. She must be having a devastating time. Imagine a wife without a husband, a kid who's born into this world knowing that his/her father is not there to greet into a new world. I dont know him that well. All I know is, he is the kind of person that I know I can relate myself to.

You know how some people think that people who are mostly silent and not talking much are people who are less confidence and not cool. Well I dont agree with that. It is because I am someone like that. But I am not always like that. I speak when I have to. I do not speak unneccsarily. Furthermore, I think it is better that way. The world needs balance. There would always be the one who talks a lot and the one who listens. If everybody talks, then the world would be filled with too much voices.

Anyway, that is not what I want to talk about. The thing is, I could not help thinking and feeling how relief I am, that it was this man who died today. I know it is wrong. But this man is the little brother of a man who I happen to fall madly in love with. True I have someone else in the place of a boyfriend and I loved him with all my heart. Only this man, the big brother, was someone I loved before, earlier. What if he died today? I do not think I am ready for that, but who is? Who would be ready for a death? No one is. I have to admit, I am truly relief that is was not him who drowned today. Everyone dies. But today, I am just so relief that is was not him. If only he knew how much I am grateful for him to be alive right now.

I want him to know that my feelings towards him have not changed. I have confessed to him before, through text, but there was no reply. We have not been in contact since the confession. He is getting married by the end of this year. He did not even told me the news first hand. We used to share stories between each other but this time, there was none. I wish I am there to console him. To be there for him. But of course, that place is more suitable to be filled in by his fiance. I am sure that his fiance right now, is trying to calm him down as best as she can. Gosh, I would do anything to be in her place right now. Despite him neglecting, ignoring, avoiding and putting me out his life behaviour, I still do care for the man.

I am not trying to take him away from his fiance. That is the last thing I'd do. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a life. Settle down..with the right woman. And if she is the one, then I am happy for him. His brother just died today. I am supposed to be there for him. I want to. But I dont want him to feel that I am suffocating him. He has his fiance. Why on earth he would need me for? ....All I could think of saying to him....I am sorry for his brother's lost, but at the same time, I am grateful that it was not you who drowned, and you are still alive. ....

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