Sunday, December 13, 2009

a discovery..

dear feelin' it,

I just discovered something both disturbing and relieving! My goodness, the man that I have so much sympathy for, is nothing but a fraud. Why do I say that? I just overheard my parent's conversation. I am not his only 'little sister' as I thought that I am. He has many and one of them came to the funeral yesterday. I do not know about others for I am only informed that one of them was there. It did not leave a good impression towards my parents. Imagine if my parent's knew of my feelings towards him....they would disagree wouldn't they? But that is not for me to say. Still, I thought he was a man who needs so much sympathy. And here I thought he has no one else except his fiance and me. How could I even be so blind? Of course he has others. Where on earth did I get the notion that he was all alone? I am so deceived....

That makes everything easier. Getting over him would be so easy from now on. I need not worry anymore for he has a lot of companion. I did not want to believe that he is a playboy..he may not be one now, but he was...and the past still sticks to him..It is not fair for me to judge him for what he had done during the past, but it affects me now! I want to care for the man, I genuinely do care for him. But if others come and do the same, my presence seems pointless and not needed. I would look like a fool begging for his attention while he is not interested to give any. He already has a lot to give to others and I would be a burden.

If that is what I am to him, then it is not worth of me trying to do more. I tried letting go of him once, and it did not work so good...I hope with this reason, I could. I am tired of it. I do still have the notion that I want to be with him. But if I were to choose between him and Miji, I would choose Miji. The difference between these men is, Miji loves me and he does not. I love Miji and my love towards him have grown since the last two years. The feeling I'm having towards 'him' is the same love that I had when I first saw him. It did not grow nor did it lessen, for I did not know him more then the man I knew. I only learnt of his name and his past from others. He never showed the real him to me face to face. Therefore, we are only strangers. Strangers who have a blood tie. I shall not bother him anymore. I hope I am able to get over the man, for I am ready to give all my devoted love towards the man who deserves it more, Miji.

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