dear feelin' it,
I just finished reading 'the message in the bottle' by Nicholas Sparks. Some cried after and during reading it and some, someone like me, wanted to cry but somehow, the feelings are deliberately kept inside, tired of crying, stoning our hearts, not wanting to feel it wholly. Why? Fearing that we would not be able to get over it or just tired of feeling so much emotions may or may not be one of the reasons.
The story which is portrayed in the book, is undeniably a beautiful one. It tells of a story which love is everlasting and there are people who believed it in, gained so much from it, but at the same time, suffered severely from it. It depicts the everlasting love 'Garret' has for his wife ' Catherine'. He was never ready to let her go. After her death, he kept sending messages in a bottle out to the open sea, hoping that it would reach her. It is beautiful that his love is never ending. But it does becomes a problem for it does not allow someone else to fill in the empty space in his life. Theresa, a woman who loves him, discovers the letters Garret wrote to his wife. It was as if it was meant to be. Both of them fall helplessly in love with each other but Garret was not completely over Catherine. Garret somehow tried to recreate a relationship which he once had with his wife with Theresa which is not right. Each and every person is different, therefore, relationship between different people would be different as it would have been. Later, Garret realized that and he said his goodbye to Catherine,finally. However, it was too late. He died before Theresa knew it. I know at this moment, a lot of people cried. The question of 'if only' arise but that is just how the story goes. Nevertheless, Theresa was able to go through it. In the end, she did what Garret did, she wrote a letter to Garret, grateful that he came into her life,filling in her life, becoming something beautiful, something important, meaningful...the love of her life. I often wonder in life, would I will be able to get over a loved one's death. It is bound to happen one day, but would I have the courage? I would be in Garret's position,losing someone who truly meant the world to you, losing all hope to move on. I would be completely devastated. Garret met Theresa in the end,does that mean, if it does happen, will there ever be someone else who would fill in? Of course, that someone would not be 'him'. No one will ever compete with him, but there is where we should not ever measure, for every person is different and will always will be.
I wonder too, whether my relationship with Miji is just a distraction, for me to get over 'F'. Initially, it seemed like the idea. But as time goes by, and I got to know him more, I fell in love with him deeply than I thought I ever could. Miji becomes the soul, he is the missing part of my life. He completes me. I have realized this for a long time but just did not have the courage to say it. I am holding on to 'F' all this time, because he is a perfect image of a man that I want a man to be. Sure, I had feelings for him but it is not a growing love. It was stagnant. I can never devote to Miji with my initial feelings in the way. The message in the bottle has taught me more than I thought it would. First, there is something that I'd like to do.
I have had feelings for you since long I could remember. You were someone so special to me that I interested everyone who asks me of the people that I fancy, I tell them. But the truth remain as it is. You have never loved me back. You might have liked me, but it was a different sort of like. You have always liked me as a little sister, and I am sort of dissapointed to find out that I was not the only one. You had others. I have come to realize that loving someone that who could not ever love you back, is a waste. I have never regretted knowing you or have feelings for you. I am glad. However, enough is enough. It is very unhealthy for me to be feeling this way. I love Miji and will always will and I want to devote all my love to him. Your marriage to someone else had opened up more than just my eyes. It opens up an oppurtunity for my love story to be completed.
I am ready to say goodbye. I am ready to let you go. It had been exciting while it lasts. I could not get on with this as I want to start a new life. You have made it clear with the life you have chosen. You have always taught me a lot of new things in life, and this, I now learnt. Goodbye 'F', goodbye.....from now on, you would see me as a cousin, just a cousin, and that is how I will see you as. You are my cousin, always have been and will always be. Sorry, it took me a while to realize that, but like the old saying, Love is blind.
It has also made me blind to see that I could have gotten over you a long time ago...