Ya Allah ya rahman ya rahim, ampunkanlah dosa2 hambamu ini ya Allah... sesungguhnya your hamba telah byk membuat dosa, and all that she's hoping for is for You to forgive her and give her a chance to change and become a better person....
Ya Allah, You have given me that chance since a long time ago... Alhamdulillah You have never deprive me of that chance and i am trying my very best not to waste it... Ya Allah, You have given me so much in my life, all the nikmat You have given and all kinds of love im able to feel.... Alhamdulillah ya Allah and i pray i would always be on Your path and work towards in gaining Your love and rahmat...
Tonight, ya Rabb, i have... let down a person whom im starting to have feelings for... You have sent him into my life ya Allah, a reason ive wondered why, but as time passes, i got to know why... he makes me think, he is able to sedarkan myself from thinking that i cant take everything lightly, people are different and i should not expect people to think the same way that i do... thats what i learnt from him and it is a valuable lesson that perhaps pushes me to move forward and i pray that i do.
You have seen me grown up ya Allah and You know me, inside and out, better than i would know myself... You know how i am like and of course, Engkau Maha Mengetahui, You would know how this guy makes me feel.
I love him ya Allah, i do... i would never ever would want to hurt him but i did. I honestly wish that this is a nightmare and i would wake up anytime soon and hope that all of this never happened, wishing that i have never ever hurt him. He has a good heart, no matter how stubborn or annoying he can be... but he has a good heart. Any girl would have been so blessed to have him as her husband. He can be a good husband, i can see that. He is strong, principled and he is not afraid to do the right thing or say the right thing no matter how different it may seem but he has his own way of making a point and thats what i love about him, he is crazy but good crazy.... he makes me happy, makes me playful, but at the same time, he makes me responsible, and asks me to think on another level, asks me to be a grown up in my decisions and that everything has a consequence.
i do realize that things have consequences... i have lived with regret all my life but Allah says 'la tahzan' dont be sad, He is ever Merciful, ever forgiving and honestly it is only because of You ya Allah, i am still able to smile and live life as anyone else. Allah says to not ever give up on His rahmat or nikmat because it is everywhere around us..... i have a past, but i wish n hope to move on and dear Allah, help me to move on... help me to become better and thank You for granting me, blessing me with this one guy, who actually pushes and makes me wana be better. I dont know what he will think of me now, i just pray that he would still see me as the Sarah that he knows before.... because i am still that Sarah, i am still that girl regardless of anything and honestly, really, i do want to become better.
Ya Allah please give us the strength to live life as You would have wanted, to balance our life on earth and also the hereafter.... dont leave me, and dont give up on me ya Allah, and dont ever let me give up on You... let him be safe, take care of him and grant him peace and Your loving ya rahman...
I cant sleep, perhaps ill wait for subuh... tomorrow, i hope my eyes dont give away how much i havent slept and cried... i havent seen siti or allyanne for a very long time, even adam n faiz...could u believe that i havent texted anyone and i have been so couped up in my room for many days that my friends are starting to think that im a vampire! i think siti is mad at me, and i hope to make it up to her tomorrow. its not gonna be easy tmrw,with me thinking about all this. i wish i could change it but i cant and it is not good to say that right, i wish i wish i could change because in some way, somehow, things do happen for a reason, perhaps this is my reminder, a reminder that i should be wary of my actions, a reminder for both of us to be careful in falling in love. i can love him with all my heart, really i can... i am willing to not spend time with the usual gang im with just because of him... but this one thing happened and i cant take it back and so, i would have to go on with life from there.
it would be ... a miracle if one day, he is able to see me as just me, that he is able to see past my actions, my past and just see me and would love me as me regardless of what ive done. it would be a dream, a miracle, a blessing..... that is a lot to hope for, but there is no limit to what you can ask from our Creator, and He expects us to ask from Him and ask Him i shall.... alright, i think i better make a move....my eyes are tired, but my heart still wants to fight and prove to him that things can be alright.... i dont know what to do, i pray that He would shine the way and guide me to what i should do... ok dear diary, i shall take my leave.
signed ,
-the saddest of my ife-
Friday, April 12, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Paris
Dear Diary,
It is in the middle of the night and here I am, in front of the laptop, listening to 'This will be' by Natalie Cole, one of my favourites from the oldies. How is everybody? Hope everyone is ok, and oh it's easter by the way and most universities students are having their easter break and I am left with 2 more weeks of holidays. Yeahhh holidays are great arent they? Honestly, how can anyone get enough of holidays? Holidays are simply the best and even if u do have work to do over the holidays, it's ok cause you would be able to do them in your own free time and according to your will. I love that feeling; to be able to work without pressure. It is pleasurable in so many ways, altho a little pressure is good but i still prefer to work without last minute pressure. Okay, enough about that. I am here to share you a lil bit of Paris!!!
Haha, yes dear diary, I went to Paris for three days and 2 nights and there is only one word I could use to describe it, it is simply wonderful! Wonderful haha... I can honestly just smile just thinking about it, thinking about the trip, the experience, the places and the guy I am with during the holidays, all adds up to a wonderful getaway. Alhamdulillah...
Who did I go with ?
Ahaaa...now why did that question had to be the first? Haha... scratch that, i'll save that up for later. ill ask another question then.
Where did i go?
I went to Paris in general, and gosh, Paris is just so charming! It is dirty, dont get me wrong, but yea it is and the people... some are nice and some are not, just the basic general people. But i loved the combination between the old design of trains and platforms but at the same time it had all the modern facilities. It was unique.... no wonder a lot of people would like to come here but of course the response and reaction towards it varies, but if you just ignore the dirtiness and the harshness of the lifestyle in Paris, you would find it romantic and its such a charming, romantic city.
I went to Le Tour De Eifl, Notre Dame and Du Louvre. Aaaahhhh I was so happy... I get to explore the city the way I wanted to, i mean really explored the city and the metro system this time, oh my god, it is not the easiest thing to do but it was such a challenge and it was a good experience! And what more, I get to go to Du Louvre and that is the amazing thing! I have always wanted to go and I went in it and it was sooo soo big,so many paintings and there were so many sculptures, beautiful they are and there were Egyptian and Islamic entry which is soo so cool! It is always nice to see the Islamic design and ways are being incorporated and accepted in the areas of the world. It shows that you cant runaway from the Islamic influence no matter how much people are trying to get rid of it, you just cant cuz it is Allah's religion, it is what Allah has blessed down for us and Alhamdulillah we are part of it and I pray I will always be in it, and always be grateful. I pray not to be too lost in the world and forget what really matters- that is to be with Him in the end. That is the only consolation I have whenever I fear of the days of the End. I pray that I will always remember Him, be thankful and do good deeds so that His love will always be upon us all.
Alright, so basically I went to those three main places and I had such a wonderful time. Honestly, I would want to do it again. Such a good trip and.... with Allah's will, I would not have got to do it without the company of mr.Z.
Ah so now you get the image of who I went with right? Haha yes dear diary, I went with our beloved mr.Z and for that part, I will write another entry in a minute. So see you in the next entry which I am going to write about in 5 minutes. Mmuuah mmuahh ciao!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Hmm.....
Dear diary,
Hey, it has been a while since i last made an entry. So sorry about that had my hands full. and actually right now, i still have em full, with assignments and what not, but i figured i wana do a quick entry before resuming to my beloved essays. Gosh i have 3 to submit, well 4 but 3 in the near time. I hope I do have time. the thing is, although it may look simple, and the word count is not that much but its because there is a word count which makes it all a bit more complex. u have to concise everything in, and pack it all up. u cant write as much as u want. You have to choose and be critical at the same time. not so easy i tell you but hey , we gotta try right. What is a challenge without a challenge.
Ya Allah, please guide me through ya Allah. I feel so much better knowing that You will be there ya Allah to guide me through, like no matter what, You are gonna be there like forever and ever, and i can tell you anything. You know me so well, You created me, You know how i'm like.... i used to fall so easily, but less now. You know how im trying to guard my heart,I to try to see things as bluntly sometimes as they are because im scared of hoping and being crushed again ... I have been in a relationship, a long, serious,commited relationship and that did not end that well for me and gosh i dont want to feel that pain again where i had to let go of something i dearly love.
I guess experiences had me a bit ... well.... sceptical just a bit, and i understand more about the way the world works now whether i like it or not, thats how it is right. Just have to live it and adapt. .... But i still do cherish in the power of love. I am a disney girl afterall haha how could i ever let go of the hope of there is always a happily ever after... there is not one happily ever after, but many in our lives and it comes after a bliss, a struggle or a fight. And that dear diary, is worth fighting for.
I know that came a bit out of the blue hehe but... i dont know, i just had to let that out and i havent made an entry for a long time, so thats the entry for today haha i would wana share something with u more, but mybe not now. Alright, back to work!
Hey, it has been a while since i last made an entry. So sorry about that had my hands full. and actually right now, i still have em full, with assignments and what not, but i figured i wana do a quick entry before resuming to my beloved essays. Gosh i have 3 to submit, well 4 but 3 in the near time. I hope I do have time. the thing is, although it may look simple, and the word count is not that much but its because there is a word count which makes it all a bit more complex. u have to concise everything in, and pack it all up. u cant write as much as u want. You have to choose and be critical at the same time. not so easy i tell you but hey , we gotta try right. What is a challenge without a challenge.
Ya Allah, please guide me through ya Allah. I feel so much better knowing that You will be there ya Allah to guide me through, like no matter what, You are gonna be there like forever and ever, and i can tell you anything. You know me so well, You created me, You know how i'm like.... i used to fall so easily, but less now. You know how im trying to guard my heart,I to try to see things as bluntly sometimes as they are because im scared of hoping and being crushed again ... I have been in a relationship, a long, serious,commited relationship and that did not end that well for me and gosh i dont want to feel that pain again where i had to let go of something i dearly love.
I guess experiences had me a bit ... well.... sceptical just a bit, and i understand more about the way the world works now whether i like it or not, thats how it is right. Just have to live it and adapt. .... But i still do cherish in the power of love. I am a disney girl afterall haha how could i ever let go of the hope of there is always a happily ever after... there is not one happily ever after, but many in our lives and it comes after a bliss, a struggle or a fight. And that dear diary, is worth fighting for.
I know that came a bit out of the blue hehe but... i dont know, i just had to let that out and i havent made an entry for a long time, so thats the entry for today haha i would wana share something with u more, but mybe not now. Alright, back to work!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Just a girl...
'Don't forget, i'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her'-Notting Hill.
Dear diary,
this is one of my favourite quotes of all time. It is for all of the girls out there, who wishes to confess but fears to do so, and it is for all those boys out there, that when a girl confesses to you, or claims to have affections for you, do not push her aside so easily, because well, it might as well be you in that position and what more if a girl is in that position, she would be well.... crushed easily. But girls are strong! Of course, in time, her heart will heal. But, the quote above is just enough to tell you that no matter how that girl is, whether she is really independent, or really happy all the time or anything that tells you that she would be okay with it, she is really deep inside, just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. And that requires much of a girl to do so. everyone in the society expects a boy to confess first, so for a girl to do the first move, requires much strength and bravery.
Just a little quote to share through the night. Goodnight everybody....
Dear diary,
this is one of my favourite quotes of all time. It is for all of the girls out there, who wishes to confess but fears to do so, and it is for all those boys out there, that when a girl confesses to you, or claims to have affections for you, do not push her aside so easily, because well, it might as well be you in that position and what more if a girl is in that position, she would be well.... crushed easily. But girls are strong! Of course, in time, her heart will heal. But, the quote above is just enough to tell you that no matter how that girl is, whether she is really independent, or really happy all the time or anything that tells you that she would be okay with it, she is really deep inside, just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. And that requires much of a girl to do so. everyone in the society expects a boy to confess first, so for a girl to do the first move, requires much strength and bravery.
Just a little quote to share through the night. Goodnight everybody....
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Annoying
Hahaahaha,
Dear diary,
im sorry but ive just gotta start it with a laugh hehehe coz im here to tell you about a particular guy who is soooooooooo incrediblyyyyyy annoyinggggg!!!! hahahaha
He is like...... somebody that i can have a real argument with. I have never talked to a guy that way before. I would never talk in that manner in d first place. Oh but with him, he just brings out the ... the inner firey part of me that i thought nobody could take out. except for a particular friend of mine but i never saw him more than just a friend that i could argue with.
But this guy, he ... he ...to be honest, i can see a certain 'future' sort of if i wanted to, insyaAllah. Allah has sent me this guy for a reason into my life. every guy Allah has sent in my life has their very own significance and insyaAllah im sure this guy has his own significance too.
He makes mee sooo angryy, sooo fired up! But the thing is, the firey part is not the kind that you would dread over, its d kind that would just makes u laugh in the end.
He has his charm i must admit. He knows how to get his way around me. His effort is adorable tho its hard for me to say. He just likes to bully me around. He drains my energy by calling me in the middle of d night and we talk until 4 am in the morning and that would still would not stop unless i say i want to sleep.
Oh one more thing, normally i meet guys who loves to sleep, who would just prefer sleep over doing anything else. But this guy, he would just not sleep. he wouldnt mind not sleeping, but do his work or talking to me! He is the first guy who does not put sleep as his priority list which is very unusual.
And he is sooooo perasannn omgggg!!! He thinks he is sooooooo goood... well he is... butt... he is soooo perasaannnn!!! hahahah.... thats one of his charm really. its just sooo ... soo.... u just want to slap him, or wrestle him, or strangle him or just push him off something.
I could be myself around him but this self of mine is not the kind that one would think. This self is the one that i am my worse and he still would want to be friends with me. I am so mengade with him. I am not that mengade with anyone else. i dont know how to describe it but i am so mengade with him, i am talkative around him, i literally just could scream when i talk to him. and and.... i could just marah him whenever i like. i dont have to cautious around him. i can say anything i like, i can be as annoying as well to him because he is so annoying to me, i can be honestly really really...... terrible around him but he is still there and it just makes you think.
He just appeared into my life out of nowhere and now he is well.... part of my life i guess. So annoying.
He really just is so annoying. Hahaha. * thats the effect he has over me: he is so annoying, but it makes you smile. So annoying, hahaahha. Ok2, well dear diary, thats d latest entry.
His name? Hahahaha lets save that for another day. For now, all i could say is he is the annoying...z! hahaha
ill see you around next time then, Assalamualaikum!
Dear diary,
im sorry but ive just gotta start it with a laugh hehehe coz im here to tell you about a particular guy who is soooooooooo incrediblyyyyyy annoyinggggg!!!! hahahaha
He is like...... somebody that i can have a real argument with. I have never talked to a guy that way before. I would never talk in that manner in d first place. Oh but with him, he just brings out the ... the inner firey part of me that i thought nobody could take out. except for a particular friend of mine but i never saw him more than just a friend that i could argue with.
But this guy, he ... he ...to be honest, i can see a certain 'future' sort of if i wanted to, insyaAllah. Allah has sent me this guy for a reason into my life. every guy Allah has sent in my life has their very own significance and insyaAllah im sure this guy has his own significance too.
He makes mee sooo angryy, sooo fired up! But the thing is, the firey part is not the kind that you would dread over, its d kind that would just makes u laugh in the end.
He has his charm i must admit. He knows how to get his way around me. His effort is adorable tho its hard for me to say. He just likes to bully me around. He drains my energy by calling me in the middle of d night and we talk until 4 am in the morning and that would still would not stop unless i say i want to sleep.
Oh one more thing, normally i meet guys who loves to sleep, who would just prefer sleep over doing anything else. But this guy, he would just not sleep. he wouldnt mind not sleeping, but do his work or talking to me! He is the first guy who does not put sleep as his priority list which is very unusual.
And he is sooooo perasannn omgggg!!! He thinks he is sooooooo goood... well he is... butt... he is soooo perasaannnn!!! hahahah.... thats one of his charm really. its just sooo ... soo.... u just want to slap him, or wrestle him, or strangle him or just push him off something.
I could be myself around him but this self of mine is not the kind that one would think. This self is the one that i am my worse and he still would want to be friends with me. I am so mengade with him. I am not that mengade with anyone else. i dont know how to describe it but i am so mengade with him, i am talkative around him, i literally just could scream when i talk to him. and and.... i could just marah him whenever i like. i dont have to cautious around him. i can say anything i like, i can be as annoying as well to him because he is so annoying to me, i can be honestly really really...... terrible around him but he is still there and it just makes you think.
He just appeared into my life out of nowhere and now he is well.... part of my life i guess. So annoying.
He really just is so annoying. Hahaha. * thats the effect he has over me: he is so annoying, but it makes you smile. So annoying, hahaahha. Ok2, well dear diary, thats d latest entry.
His name? Hahahaha lets save that for another day. For now, all i could say is he is the annoying...z! hahaha
ill see you around next time then, Assalamualaikum!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Not the same....
Dear diary,
it is almost 4 am in the morning and im unable to sleep.... just been doing some work and well, catching up on some stuff.
dear diary, i just have to say this.... that things are just not the same anymore. What things? Well lets just put it this way:
what used to be together, it is not anymore.
there is nothing much i can say, tho i can say lots.
sometimes things are done because it is necessary for it to do so,
so that one would not feel awkward of the other.
i miss it, thats all im saying, i miss it.
who knows how much time there is left for me in this,
but till the time comes
i pray i will leave with memories
that will last for a lifetime...
insyaAllah....
it is almost 4 am in the morning and im unable to sleep.... just been doing some work and well, catching up on some stuff.
dear diary, i just have to say this.... that things are just not the same anymore. What things? Well lets just put it this way:
what used to be together, it is not anymore.
there is nothing much i can say, tho i can say lots.
sometimes things are done because it is necessary for it to do so,
so that one would not feel awkward of the other.
i miss it, thats all im saying, i miss it.
who knows how much time there is left for me in this,
but till the time comes
i pray i will leave with memories
that will last for a lifetime...
insyaAllah....
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Ohhh Noo!
Dear diaryyyy,
i just had a panic attack when i was doing my reading on discourse analysis and identity.
i was reading about how each person has an identity and identity evolves in time. and the more you interact with people, the more it shapes you. so, to form an identity, it is very good to go mixing with people, provided you do not lose yourself completely while interacting.
you have to have a bit of yourself in it. its just interaction influences a big part of shaping who you are and the identities you hold. a person can have more than one identity. you can be a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a best friend *and this is where my panic attack happens (im not anybody's girlfriend atm!!!)
hahahahah it didnt really bother me before but ... well i went to card factory with tia today and she was buying a card for her fiance. its such a sweet gesture. she is so in love and her fiance is coming to warwick this friday and they will get to meet up. i am so happy for her, im imagining if im in her place, i would be on top of the world being able to meet the one i love after a long time not seeing each other. i realized when i was looking all through the beautiful crafted cards in the shop that i realize i dont have anyone to give it to. dear diary, this is the first year of me, of really not having a guy to give a love card to. plus, it is approaching valentine's day, so the feeling is greater. i do not celebrate valentines day. the celebration of love should be everyday shouldnt it?
but it has been a while since i did not spend through it alone. last year, in the early years, miji was still there and well, the love was there haha. i dont remember whether i sent him a card or anything at that time. it was a rocky moment for us at that time i believe. we were not in good terms, but despite that, i still had feelings for him and so, the 'celebration of love' was sort of there. but this year, i realize, i couldnt give anyone those lovely beautiful cards.
and u know what, the person that i thought who would not give her heart to anyone in this near future is head over heels with someone and she just completely lost it. given if the guy consents, or reacted positively to her affections, i swear there would be a marriage soon!!! haha she is so gonna get it from me, this is not supposed to happen until she turns 30-quoting her-. but im happy for her really. just by looking at her swooning at the guy, omggg.... i lost her, she is not someone i knew all these years hahaha... that guy has got to go through me first. need to interview him first and see if he is right for her then things can get down to business. how dare he takes her away from me :p haha
okay2, so yea thats the realization i had while i was doing my reading haha. its gonna be a weird moment for me, not having anyone at the moment. but in a way, its a blessing too. i am grateful, dont get me wrong, of the situation that i am in right now. Alhamdulillah, it is a way for me to find myself and i am discovering bits n pieces of me back and it feels good.
i think it is just the panic talking when u discover what u dont have, while others are cherishing in the arms of their loved ones. i pray that they will cherish their loved ones with all their hearts while they still can. those moments are truly fragile.they can dissapear in an instant. i honestly dont know who will i be with in the future. its so mysterious...but i guess thats where we need to keep believing that Allah has instore for me something that will be good for me in His eyes. InsyaAllah i will go on this journey and praying and hoping that things will work out at its best. ;)
you have to have a bit of yourself in it. its just interaction influences a big part of shaping who you are and the identities you hold. a person can have more than one identity. you can be a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a best friend *and this is where my panic attack happens (im not anybody's girlfriend atm!!!)
hahahahah it didnt really bother me before but ... well i went to card factory with tia today and she was buying a card for her fiance. its such a sweet gesture. she is so in love and her fiance is coming to warwick this friday and they will get to meet up. i am so happy for her, im imagining if im in her place, i would be on top of the world being able to meet the one i love after a long time not seeing each other. i realized when i was looking all through the beautiful crafted cards in the shop that i realize i dont have anyone to give it to. dear diary, this is the first year of me, of really not having a guy to give a love card to. plus, it is approaching valentine's day, so the feeling is greater. i do not celebrate valentines day. the celebration of love should be everyday shouldnt it?
but it has been a while since i did not spend through it alone. last year, in the early years, miji was still there and well, the love was there haha. i dont remember whether i sent him a card or anything at that time. it was a rocky moment for us at that time i believe. we were not in good terms, but despite that, i still had feelings for him and so, the 'celebration of love' was sort of there. but this year, i realize, i couldnt give anyone those lovely beautiful cards.
and u know what, the person that i thought who would not give her heart to anyone in this near future is head over heels with someone and she just completely lost it. given if the guy consents, or reacted positively to her affections, i swear there would be a marriage soon!!! haha she is so gonna get it from me, this is not supposed to happen until she turns 30-quoting her-. but im happy for her really. just by looking at her swooning at the guy, omggg.... i lost her, she is not someone i knew all these years hahaha... that guy has got to go through me first. need to interview him first and see if he is right for her then things can get down to business. how dare he takes her away from me :p haha
okay2, so yea thats the realization i had while i was doing my reading haha. its gonna be a weird moment for me, not having anyone at the moment. but in a way, its a blessing too. i am grateful, dont get me wrong, of the situation that i am in right now. Alhamdulillah, it is a way for me to find myself and i am discovering bits n pieces of me back and it feels good.
i think it is just the panic talking when u discover what u dont have, while others are cherishing in the arms of their loved ones. i pray that they will cherish their loved ones with all their hearts while they still can. those moments are truly fragile.they can dissapear in an instant. i honestly dont know who will i be with in the future. its so mysterious...but i guess thats where we need to keep believing that Allah has instore for me something that will be good for me in His eyes. InsyaAllah i will go on this journey and praying and hoping that things will work out at its best. ;)
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