dear diary

i dont think i can ever resist myself...i will always feel it and to fight it, is quite sufferable for me but that is the way it should be, i should suffer a bit, thats the way it should be...but what if i cant, i evem thought of the unthinkable in order to stop myself from it....huhuhuhhu

leamington

dear diary,

ive gone to leamington today. leamington spa to be exact and my, what a wonderful place it is. the road that i took was the kenilworth road and we had to pass kenilworth town to get there too. and it was all so country side like. it was beautiful. it is certainly so much different than coventry town. it had come to my mind to conclude that coventry was more of a busy town like place while kenilworth and leamington was more country side like, and was of a place for resting for that is certainly the atmosphere it gave away.

leamington was white. the buildings were all white like creams on a cake, the colour white on canvas where it looks like someone's painted oil paint on all of the buildings to create a regent look, an old look, where old england i've read, that particular place for that matter was like that. the road was from up the hill to the lowest, white all over, beautiful parks, so cold for there were many trees, and absolutely adorable dogs everywhere. it was like going into a storybook where the places are lined up perfectly, and even when it is not perfect, there would be something to dazzle it a bit. music filled the air by talented street musicians who played for their own pleasure and find their own living. i must say, my stay in england has been pretty much like a movie that ive been unconsciously casted for. im still having a hard time believing that im here and insyaAllah will be for the next three years.

i bought a movie, finding neverland, and it was divine. leamington allows your imagination to take you to wherever you need to go. and so did this movie. it encourages you to believe what you want to believe, and you dont need to be all that proper, just as long as you dont restrict yourself from having fun in the right manner, it would be lovely. dont be afraid of your imagination. ive always believed in that but ive hard time expressing it with people around me. among my brothers, i cans simply be myself and let myself go, for they too can imagine what i imagine and we shared a special bond through that. it is what has kept us close since we're kids. however, with me and my friends, only a few of them i can truly be myself around them and i dont know why. i can always do that, if i want to, but sometimes i dont. i truly, really wonder why. ive been so self conscious that i constrain myself from having the fun that i want. this is not the life that i want. therefore, i shall start make a difference starting from right now. im going for a picnic tmrw and let us see how shall i behave and wanting to make a difference regarding my life. i know i can do better. i know i can just let myself go and stop worrying so much. i guess it is just what people especially grownups keep on telling, a lot of things you may lose when you grow up, the things you may believe in when you were kids, you dont allow yourself to think of it anymore because one always seem to think that it is of no use as 'reality' always get hold of things. but reality can be of a great joy too of one does not forget their inner child for it is this, is what keeps the spirit young and alive,our spirits will not be wasted and we would not worn out. i hope i wont forget my inner child, not now and not ever. i still do imagine stories in my head and act them out when im alone, i sing and i dance to keep myself entertain. it is what i like to do since i was a kid, and i am never ever going to quit doing that for i would like my children to have that as well. i would want them to have a beautiful life, full of imagination, wonders and things that other people would not encourage them to have. i want them to look at life differently; that although there are so many bad things in the world and we are aware of that, keep on believing the good things, for they too happen in this world and not all are bad, there are still some wonders around us, you just have to open your eyes and heart to them, and you will see it!

England!

dear diary,

living in england has been part of my dream since i was a kid. although im not living here permanently, but im happy to say that living here is like living part of my dream. diary, Im here!

the rush of cold air swept over my face when i first step foot in heathrow airport. it was such a blast. the fog that came out of my mouth was like the one i had when i was a kid in scotland. so much of the things here reminded me of my childhood in glasgow. i do miss it and i plan to go there soon. the environment here is great, the people...although my first feeling was exhaustion when i got here but i couldnt help noticing other stuff as well. the day seemed brighter, the weather is definitely colder and the people, friendlier. Im living in a building, rootes building and i live far away from my friends which is a good start. i mean, i am the kind of girl who likes to find new experiences and if i stuck to my friends all the time then there's nothing different about coming here. ive always wanted to know whether i can live on my own and besides, i know i woudl have my friends with me, its just sometimes its good to be on your own too. that way, you would know your strengths and weaknesses, how you can bring yourself into the world. and another thing, i wanted people not to fear us. i came here not just a malaysian but a muslimah malaysian and generally people do have that sort of fear. of course it is just easier just to not be friends with them and stick to your own group but if we do that, then other people wouldnt know that there is nothing to fear about us. i believe they are just as scared of us as we are scared of them. i like to imagine them as malays in a university back in malaysia. their 'unfriendliness' would have been the same among our malaysians too. the truth is, the malaysians in england are not all that friendly. some dont even bother to be friends. so there is not difference between us and the foreigners. we are all freshers, we are all looking for friends, sure we come from different background, but that is not the reason why we should stick to our own group for comfortness because that way we will not learn and they wont learn from us. how long do we need them to live in the dark and not knowing that we too are only humans just like them and we mean no harm, and they mean no harm as well, we just have to know and get to know that fact and have faith because only that way, we can move on!

alright i gotta go now, see u later and cheers!
salam....

Baby, its like ipoh..only its a bit further..thats all!

dear diary,
the time is nearing for me to go! im going, can u believe it? i'll be leaving next week n boy, i dont know what im feeling...im so scared because i know, that once i step a foot there in uk, my life wud change...im going there to learn and therefore, im going to grow up..and when i come back, i no longer would be the 'me' now, somehow and in some ways, i wud change and how scary is that? not only i would be the one who changed, the life here in malaysia would change too...hope all will go well...

the things that i tell myself to calm my nerves..

1. sarah sweety, u gotta calm down, its like ipoh..only its further...
2. dont worry too much
3. besides, ure going there to learn and travel n learn, no unnecessary flirting...n d thing is, u dont feel like flirting anymore...literally, i dont huhu
4. love ur company, u know u got great friends!
5. its just 3 years..or better yet, 36 months, i think 36 months sounds shorter..im only going there for 36 months, its not that long haha
6. this is part of ur dream when ure a kid, now u have d chance to relieve it, dont waste it!
7. u have a life too sarah, and u have to do this for urself, lengkapkn diri then u can think about being together with 'the one'.
8. u know ure going to miss ur family, 'him' n friends, but dont let it bring u down...use it as a strength, u know they always want d best for u...
9. just go there sarah and cherish d moment and finish what u went there for with flying colours, this is part of ur destiny, and warwick is ur hogwarts....u have some unfinish duties, thus, fulfil ur destiny sarah and dont let urself, ur family, n ur beloved down...
10. this is ur life sarah, do it ur way!

11. 3 tahun skjap je sarah..........!! insyaAllah...moga2 dipermudahkn sgala urusan olehNya...n dijauhkn kesulitan....amin ya rabbal amin...

You gotta ponder!

Dear diary,

Why must people think it is ok to love moderately? I know everyone when they were kids, all of them dreamt of an everlasting love, a love which is so powerful that they needed each other endlessly. I know all of us believed in that once and dreamed of it, wishing that it will come true.
But like other things that disappeared while growing up; believe we could fly, believe that we can talk to animals and plants, believe that we could see things..., this sort of belief died off too. Most of them grew up denying that there is ever such thing because like they always say, 'reality check', that sort of thing doesnt exists. Dream killers I would name them but I dont blame them a hundred percent, they say it based on what they have been through. Everyone of us were dreamers, and some are still are. But some have lived their life and had gone through a phase which changes their perception on things. It matures them but my small wish here is that, although it matures them, I hope they dont lose the kind of dream they have when they're kids. For it is these things that keeps you going in life and happy at the same time. Your emotions will be tested in all directions and thats where you will discover, how complex it is being a human, therefore, how big our fight is.

I am just trying to point out one important point here, two individuals can feel such love if only they both believe in it.
I know I heard this somewhere,..an elderly woman siad this once:

' When you are in a relationship and in love, it does not mean you have to stick to that person like a glu on a paper; being together every minute of the day because life my dear, is about each individuals and it is not always about others. If you are apart, then you just have to have enough faith that the other person loves you and misses you as much as you do. That sort fo faith is important as it will remind you to hold on till the end. You may never find another one like him, and he should know, he would never find another one like you. ' Now for me, thats the reality of it'.

And I think what she said is the best explanation ever. You just have to have faith but that faith must be founded upon something too. If it is clear that the man or woman shows no effort to keep your relationship going well, then what are you fighting for? It takes two to tango. if you are fighting, then make sure he/she is fighting too. Thus, in the end, a result will be obtained but the truth is, you will never stop fighting. Life is a climb. You gotta fight to climb your way up. And they say, the view is great .

the time is nearing...

dear diary,
buenas dias diary hihi and yup, like i stated above, the time is nearing.

only one word for me to say, Alhamdulillah. diary, it has been my dream since i was a kid to further my study in a university. i have always imagined myself sitting under a tree, studying, alone or with friends, it does not matter, but that image has not left my mind since i was little. and soon, i may get the chance to live that dream : )

am i scared?
yes. truth be told, i do feel scared. people always ask, why? what are you scared of?

well the only answer to that is, i dont know. i dont know what am i scared of but i know i am. i am scared of the unknown. i dont know what to expect once i get there but i will keep an open heart and open mind. my lecturer says that is important: to keep an open heart and open mind. it helps in adapting to new places. and one thing im scared of is, what if i dont know how to do d assignments? mmm the only thing that consoles me to that is, i have my 52 friends to lend a hand and i can always get in touch with my family here for help, and i know my friends here in malaysia would help : ) alhamdulillah im surrounded by beautiful people with beautiful hearts. may Allah always bless them.

i have to be ready physically, mentally, and emotionally. i am still healing and this ramadhan month has been a great blessing. its like a light that focuses on your wound and slowly heals it.
but i have only one worry, i hope he wont treat me like this after marriage. the rift we're having now i may not mind so much since we're coupling. but i really hope this 'rift' doesnt happen after marriage. i hope he does not take me and my love for granted. i would love that someone to the ends of the world, my only hope is, the man that i would marry would not take it for granted. i dont want d situation ' mentang2 da kawin, awak da dapat saya, awak biarkan je ape yg berlaku, and tak kisah da what happens to me' .....hehe, i can only think of this dialogue to express my worry. my friend says, if that is what you worry, then it is important for me to find the right man. 'a man who would not use me, a man who would love me and care for me and will be able to lead me to the right path'.-i thank lala for this hihi. pray that i will find him, and if he is the man that i'm with presently, i could only hope things will be ok when we're married.

Dear diary,
im starting this one with a smile and a laugh. I am healing. Those are three very simple words and yes, I am healing. I wont say from what but what I would say is that I am. Healing. A part of me has started to realize that life isnt always what we expect it to be. It never is but there is the mystery. Allah works in different ways. Ways that we couldnt imagine because it is out of our league to think of it. But all in all, alhamdulillah i am ever so grateful that i am healing. slowly but healing.
I tried as hard as I can to ignore the negative feelings. I let it pass by me. I feel it but I dont take notice of it. I let it go. I dont hang on to it. I dont want to hang on to it. It just goes through.
but I have to take a stand. I have to know what I want out of my life. I cant just tolerate everything just because people say im nice. true, for me, it is easier for me if i just accept and not complaining, really, it is sooo much easier. but diary, ive done that for long enough and alhamdulillah im happy with it and life has been good : ) but again, in things that i think needs working, i think it does. they say dont fix anything, let time decide. hmm...ok.

dear diary,
it has been long since i made a positive remark on anything. i have always been dreadful, so negative and so full of anger. it even shocked me for i never thought i could feel such emotions, but afterall i am only human and as a human, i am prefectly obliged to feel as one. what complex creatures humans are, they are so full of life but at the same time can be so dead. it is up to us how we determine ourselves, especially when we're setting our own foot in our own life.

Too much passion could be exceedingly dangerous. and a person with too much romantic prejudices if acquainted with the ways of the world will only lead to ruination and despair. i fear i may have too much passion for my ideallic ways of love that reality just cant be enough to be put to it. but the thing is, i do not think i would put my hopes to a stop. i have my beliefs in love therefore i should not put my dreams and hopes to a rest. if one can dream to be rich with money then my only dream to be rich in love shouldnt be much to ask for, because thats the only thing i have my interest for. yes, i would get hurt along the way, but it is only to prepare me for something greater. maybe the challenge ahead would be very tough, my emotions will be put to a test more than before and i have to endure it, with great strength and bravery. i shall pray that i will have all the strength in the world. and pray that i will not be weak.

the very man that i have mind would have as much passion than others. lets just say, i wish that man to be passionate, very full of love and charm, and when i say passionate, what i mean is, when he speaks he does not make me dull to hear it. and when i say full of love, he would love me with all his heart and charm, that is when he speaks with others, they would feel much entertained by him and very much honored to know him. you might think, these are all very high qualities and cannot be found in a man in this world. but believe me, i have met that man,he very much exists which proves that such a man i have in mind is not a fantasy but very much alive. the man that i'm with at the present, he too is a man charmed in his own nature. very different from the man i met before but charming still. the great thing about him is, he is full of love in the way i want to, only however, perhaps, he might have lost his way. and maybe i have lost my way with him. that is one thing that i need to recover. i never much liked blaming others or accusing others, i never much enjoyed doing that. i have always preferred to take the blame on myself for it is less hurtful. only recently, i have been doing that, and that, for certain, my ways have changed.

i will regain my ways but with limitations. i am..mm how do i put it...mm i am healing, curing...my heart cant take so much torment, perhaps that is why, people tell me to be moderate when in love. it is true that we should be modest in most things we do but how can i change this one thing i have had since i was a little girl. i am to believe and brought myself up by believing not to love moderately but richly. haha i may be out of mind in this sense but i have my beliefs and will do so along with rightful ways.

Once upon time, in a faraway land, lived a girl named Jane whom her thoughts are always on 'love'. She has been fascinated by 'love' since she was a little girl. She doesnt know why, but really, it was because she was raised in an environment that encourages such thought. She was raised among fairytales, happily ever after stories, Cinderella, Snowhite you name it, she has seen it all. And it was because she has seen all these movies, she dreamed that one day, she too will find her prince charming, who would love her endlessly, care for her tireslessly and would make her happy forever after. Little did she know, reality isnt as what has been portrayed in fairytales. Things are slightly more complicated and only the strong and the brave, could endure it. Jane was a strong and bravehearted girl and believe that everything can be made right. But one day, her faith was shaken as she had to decide what she has to do, that would uphold her belief'life is endlessly good' and at the same time, do what is right in the eyes of the societies that may cause pain.
Jack : Jane sweetheart, I want you to know that I love you so much that I would do anything for you, anything to make you happy...but you know, we can't keep seeing each other in secrets anymore.
Jane: But Jack, we did not actually chose to do this. We had to ..'coz if not, we wouldnt be able to see each other, ever...and we wouldnt actually have these wonderful memories that we're living now...
Jack: I love our every moment together, you know I do, it's just, I want to do this right. You're a special girl to me Jane, you changed my life forever since the first time we knew each other. You make me believe in myself than I ever had. I know you are the girl for me and I am the man for you, therefore, I want to do this right.
..Jane: What are you saying Jack?...
Jack: I would like to make you my wife..
Jane: You do?
Jack: Yes ( he smiled)...the love you gave me is so very special, how could I treat it wrongly, how could I abuse it when it is meant to be treated like the greatest gift of all. Jane, will you marry me?
Jane: Yes!..a thousand times yes my darling! But Jack, ...
Jack: So can I meet your parents now?
Jane: I was afraid you were going to say that...Jack, you do know that my parents will never agree to this, they want me to graduate first, get a job, settled, then think about marriage...I dont think its possible right now...
Jack: Hmm, I thought you were going to say that, thats why...I came prepared...
Jane: huh?
Jack: I will be leaving here first thing next week. I got a job interview at the Ronx, and I really think I have a chance there, so..while you study in New Orleans , I would be working there, and by the time both of us are getting on our feet, we'll come back here and get married.
Jane: You're leaving me? ...What? I thought you promised not ever to part with me, you were going to follow me...
Jack: I cant Jane...if I follow you, I wont be able to resist myself from hugging you, kissing you..thats going to distract you from your studies...
Jane: No it wont Jack, how could you say that..? I..
Jack: Sweetheart, it is not that hard. I am not leaving you, I am not leaving us...I am just giving ourselves a time away from each other, achieve what we want in life, then later, we can be together.
Jane: I cant live being apart from you! Jack...
Jack: That is one fo the reasons Im doing this. Our love is so intense that I was afraid that if we ever lose each other, both of us will go crazy and die in pain. I dont want us to be like that Jane. I want to be able to know that you can survive on your own without me, but at the same time loving me and endure the longing we both have for each other. I love you so much that I know I would be devastated to lose you. As long as you love me, miss me, long for me, that's where I'll be, with you.
Jane: Jack, we will be together again..wont we?
Jack: As long as I breathe, yes my darling, we will...but if something happens in between...know that..
Jane: No..no dont say that Jack, please...I cant stand imagining it...
Jack: Jane...shh...if something does happen, know that I always love you till the very end, and I want you to be happy...and our love will keep us going no matter where we go...can you say it to me now Jane?
Jane: No..
Jack: please...I need to hear it from your lips..I need it to survive..
Jane: I will always love you Jack till the last breath in me, till in heaven where we will meet each other again,and my love for you would be the drug to keep you alive...and you better come back and marry me to stay living! ( they both laughed)
Jack: I'm here...
Jane: I love you Jack...
Jack : I love you too...

to be continued...

according to you!

According to you..

i have changed, im hard to please, and i cant do anything right...
although you never said that way, but you meant it everyday..according to you...according to you!

Maybe i am hard to please but because i have my expectations especially from a guy that i call 'lover'. you should not be like any other guys, you should treat me better. if i wanted a good guy friend, and you wanted a good girl friend that comes and go only for a little while, then you should tell me so and you should not call me lover.

COZ right now, im confused! i dont know what you want! everything i do is not right!!

adam lamberg: what do you want from me?? what do you want from me...what do you want from me.................?

stacie orrico: i cant take it! what am i waiting for? my heart still breakin! i miss u even more...then i cant fake it, the way i could before, i Hate you but i Love you, i cant stop thinking of youu! its true! im stuck on youuu!

paramore: you treat me just like..another stranger, and its nice to meet you sir, i guess i'll go, i best me on my way out! ignorance is your new best friend, ignorance is your new best friend!

the World of love when it crumbles down...

dear diary,
for the past couple of weeks, my love life is turning up into smokes...pooof! i never thought it would be like this.
everybody says, life has its ups and downs, but they never say that when you're down, your heart will be wrenched out really bad and you will feel all the pain in the world...i havent broken up with miji if thats what crossed your mind, we're still togther but the thing is, he....is acting different now. he says he has a lot of problems. i told him, i'm here if he wants to share...but he insists that these problems is better off me not knowing them. each time i asked him about it, he would get pissed off and angry, and both of us will get hurt because both of us are not satisfied with one another.
i get it if he does not want to share it with me, i will not force him to. but if the problems are starting to affect our love life, i think i should do something.
since he's having his problems, he calls me less, each time i call, he doesnt pick up, and he never feels guilty when he doesnt pick it up or not letting me know how he is, because to him, its better that he faces the problems alone rather than talk it with me....
if thats the case, what am i doing here? whats the use of having someone you love who knows you and is there for you, if you cant tell your problems. from the way i see it, he's hurting himself. he's letting himself getting hurt keeping all the problems to himself.
i'm hurting too...each night, the tendency for me to cry is high...he's always on my mind, and when im in love, i would give my heart and soul to it. i devote myself to it, thats why im hurting so much on the inside. he has a problem and i couldnt do anything to help. he gets mad at me, he's emotional for reasons i couldnt understand. the best thing for me to do is, leave him alone. we're still together but we no longer talk like we used to. i dont know him anymore...he keeps telling me that ive changed but he doesnt realize he has changed too. he used to be a passionate lover, a very good friend, my best friend, we tell each other stories and it was endless....but now, he's keeping something from me and our relationship is affected. he asked me to be patient with him more than usual. but how could i? ive tried...and im still trying but dont you know miji, that you are hurting me really bad. i wish you could read this. but sadly you dont.
every minute i thought of you, my fingers are just tingling to call you, but im afraid, for three reasons: 1. you wont answer my calls no matter how many times i call you 2. you will get mad at me if i say something wrong 3. you will hurt me by saying you dont want to talk anymore because you have nothing more to say( which never happens before because you always have something to say).
you say im important, but you dont show it. you make me feel like im a burden. im someone disturbing your life. instead of me becoming the shoulder you can cry on, im a burden to be added. you wont explain to me whats going on and yet you expect me to understand your situation. i may be a dumb person for not being able to simply understand that you want me to be patient for a while. but how long is a while miji? according to my dictionary, it doesnt last for almost two weeks now.
i figured its best for me not to call you or text you for now. ive told you before, im here if you need me. just..dont do this till the very last day im leaving this country. im going for 3 years, thats not a short time. you dont have internet connection no computer, no easy to contact me. we agreed on letters and i ve no problem with that. i love you and may that love lasts till the end. i will try my very best to take care of your heart and i hope you would do the same for me...

that night...

after the eruption, many lives were taken...cities turned dark and grey, not a living soul in sight...captain Ross Fermand and his troops set out a search party to find any survivors...he knows that there will not be much time fearing the mountain will erupt again....what he did not know was that one of the survivors may change his live forever..

rodrigo: in here captain...there's someone in here..
ross: move those boulders aside...hurry, we dont have much time... who goes there?..i say, who goes there?...
lidya: dont move any closer....if u touch me i swear u will not see another light after this!
ross: we've come to save u, please, we dont have much time...i can assure you, we mean no harm..
lidya: i bet thats what u said to all the other girls you've slept with captain Fermand!
ross: you know me?
lidya; oh ur reputation exceeds u!
ross: very well then, then i am willing to stay here unless u have agreed to follow me..
rodrigo: but sire..
ross: hush rodrigo, u need not stay with me..meet me at the campsite...i will try to convince her, one way or the other...